Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Frock horror

Today I became trapped in a dress and had to be cut out. With scissors.

I was wandering through Target (that’s pronounced Tarjaaay, dahling) when I saw this dinky summer frock. It was blue and white floral with no sleeves, a knee-length A-line skirt and a tricky little tie belt. In short, it was just as cute as a button. "Hmm," I thought craftily. "That doesn’t look like a cheap frock." So off I flitted to the fitting room.

There was no problem getting the dress on. The zip went up nicely. Once on, however, it did look rather like a cheap frock because it gaped unattractively around the neckline. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained," I thought, trying to undo the zip. It jammed halfway. "Spiteful cheap frock!" I thought, yanking at the zip for a good minute before admitting that help was needed.

Mum was waiting outside, so I said, “Psst! Mum! I’m stuck!” She dragged at the zip for a while, but still no cigar. I tried to yank the dress over my head, but that wasn’t working either (boobs can be such a problem). Admitting defeat, I went to the fitting room lady and told her I had a zip problem. She came over and helpfully did it up for me.

“Nooo,” I whined. “It won’t go down. I’m trapped!” “In a Target frock!” I added in a silent wail. Not quite believing that anyone could be dumb enough to get stuck in a dress, she also dragged at the zip for a while. Ba-bow. She fetched another lassy who took her turn struggling with it. Meanwhile, I was wishing I’d shaved my underarms and was feeling like that jar of olives that everyone passes around at a party but no-one can open.

The two women went off to consult the manager about what to do with a customer stuck in a frock and one returned with a pair of scissors to “unpick” the zip. Predictably, this didn’t work, since scissors tend to be more suited to cutting. There was yet more consultation. Finally the first woman returned and said, “We’re just going to have to cut you out.” So she did.

Now let’s never speak of this regrettable incident again.

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At 1:27 pm, September 15, 2006, Blogger PetStarr said...

HAHAHAHAHAH that is the greatest! And the best part is - I was in Target last night and saw that exact dress. It IS natty, isn't it? Luckily I didn't try it on though, I might never have gotten out again.

PS: hurrah for your new blog!

At 9:36 am, September 18, 2006, Blogger peter said...

i'm sorry, but that's hilarious!

At 1:40 pm, September 18, 2006, Blogger raoul duke said...

never mind the bollocks, check out the uber funny and ridulous antics of Raoul Duke and the other HOAN buffons at http//hopesofanation.blogspot.com

At 4:39 pm, September 18, 2006, Blogger redcap said...

Oh hurrah. I'm providing free advertising for someone who thinks he's Hunter S Thompson. Fuck off, Raoul :)

At 9:13 pm, September 18, 2006, Anonymous Vitt said...

Not only is that the funniest thing i have read in a long time, i am now pissing myself at your response to Raoul (http://www.spikedhumor.com/articles/7287/Irn_Bru_Advert.html)

check out this ad it is on in the UK at the mo

ciao xx

At 2:41 pm, September 19, 2006, Blogger raoul duke said...

Oh redcap!! those words have pierced my heart! It's ME! think about the lamest HST pretender you most recently worked with, who may share the name of someone ELSE you know or just ask Petstarr. got me yet?

At 6:43 pm, September 19, 2006, Blogger redcap said...

Oops, sorry old sport! I didn't recognise you wearing that shade of typewriter ;)

At 6:53 pm, September 19, 2006, Blogger raoul duke said...

tis but a flesh wound, don't give it another thought old bean. what's say we bury the hatchet by linking to one another's blogs?

At 7:08 pm, September 19, 2006, Blogger redcap said...

Sold to the man in the red typewriter and the questionable hat!


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