The SBG name

On Saturdays, I like to play The Game. All my mates have already heard about The Game, but damn it, this is my hobbyhorse and I’m going to ride it until the wheels fall off. Or I get bored and start playing with my Barbie Campervan instead.

The Game involves looking through the birth notices in The Traumatiser for inappropriate baby names. When you find one, you yell it out to the nearest person (plus the spelling, because that’s often the best bit). If there’s no-one home, you text a mate so they too can be horrified.

You'll know an inappropriate baby name when you see one. It’s when people call their kids stuff like Amber Rain (how did no-one realise that was way too close to "Golden Shower"?) or Jaxxxson D. You can just imagine the weddings in about 25 years’ time: “Do you, Tulip Melodee Capri, take Diezel-Reef Rocky to be your lawful wedded husband?”

No. It’s just wrong and it has to stop.

When I was a kid, the worst thing that people could do was call their children Kylie or Darren. Now the possibilities are endless. “Hey, darl, let’s just make up some crap and call junior that! I know - Shanniyquw'aah would be really individual!” When kids were all called Jane or Robert, they made up rock’n’roll stage names like Pink and Eminem, but now what do they have? Sweet FA. These kids will be changing their names to Bill and Nancy to be different because their friends are all called Stelth Jet and Charlize-Trinity-Pi.

This phenomenon goes by many names, but my favourite is the one that a friend came up with: the shallow bush grave name. Giving a child a shallow bush grave name condemns him or her to a lifetime of socioeconomic disadvantage, at the very least; at the worst, it means an unmarked grave in a state forest.

When choosing a name for a new pet (yes, even goldfish), I like to use what I refer to as the doorstep test. Choose a name, then stand at the back door and yell it. Do you feel like a dick? If the answer is ‘yes’, choose another name for kitty. The same goes for kids. Come on, people, there’s no need for anyone to have a name that he or she will have to spell out every time they order a pizza FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. Have some sense of mercy.

There are so many different levels of wrongness with the current trend in children’s names. The South Australian department of Hatch, Match and Despatch has helpfully collected all the names given to children over the past few years on their web site. I spent a little time the other day going through the 2005 list, looking for examples, and all of these names are fair dink. Have a look for yourself: http://www.ocba.sa.gov.au/bdm/babynames.html. I needed several large vodka, lime and sodas afterwards to calm my nerves, but if just one child can be saved the indignity of being called Tae'lah, it will have been worth it.

Initials (in disguise or not) are just cruel:
Ajay, Arjay, Ceejay, J, MC, Tjay, Lakaya-K.

Dogs' names are also out. What if he or she grows up to become Prime Minster?
Ace, Astro, Bud, Dash, Duke, Jet, Coco, Lulu, Terriah.

Making a name by taking something random and adding “lyn”, “len”, “din”, “den”, “don”, “son”or “syn” also doesn’t work:
Acelyn, Baylen, Caelyn, Rocklyn, Shayden, Trenden.

Some kids are doomed to be bullied because their names are just not appropriate for anything past 45BC (or is that BCE? not that I'm politically correct, of course):
Adonis, Caesar, Lancelot, Neptune, Oberon, Aphrodite, Delilah, Isis.
Then there’s Latrelle, which is obviously made-up and not from the age before time, but dooms the poor kid to Chinese burns in the schoolyard anyway because it's a little close to 'latrine'.

Just because famous people chose arsehat names for their kids, doesn’t mean you should too:
Brooklyn, Romeo, Talon, Apple, Cruz, Mackenzie, Tigerlilly.

Thou shalt not name thy children from The Lord of the Rings or any other fantasy adventures.
Aelfric, Balen, Eldan, Haydar, Merlin, Odhinn, Shandor, Theoden, Thorin, Avalon.

Putting two crap names together with a hyphen doesn’t make the final effect any better:
Alvin-Aram, Blaize-Aanton, Coda-Ryley, Max-Shingo, Charm-Sahara, Cherkira-Anne, Rumour-Lilly, Shania-Shanni.

No, no, and no!
Anzac.

But they’re trees, man! Trees!
Aspen, Cypress, Huon, Jarrah, Acacia, Cedar, Oaklane, Sequoia, Grevillea.

It might have sounded cool on TV, but it won't work at kindy:
Alfie, Bond, Jorell (wasn’t that Superman’s dad?), Maximus (yes, we all liked Gladiator and thought Russell Crowe looked hot in leather, but it’s time to get over it now), Neo, Ripley, Trinity, Wyloe (that's 'Willow' to people who can spell), Xena, Leia.

Naming your child after a singer or actor will not guarantee them stage success and they probably still won’t want to talk to you when you are 64:
Axel, Cobain, Diesel, Duran (!), Jaggar, Jethro, Ozzy, Presley, Delta, Dusty, Mariah, Missy, Santanah, Shaniah, Sharday, Sinead, Chevvy, Deniro, Denzel, Dustin, Errol, Keanu, Marlon, Phoenix, River, Cameron, Demi, Jada, Sienna, Tatum, Charlize.

Destined to become US soap opera characters:
Beacher, Bracken, Clay, Dace, Reef, Riven, Saxon, Ocean, Nova, Onyx, Paisley, Serenity, Storm.

These are nicknames, not proper names. Think about it, parents - if you don't have a 'full' name like Charles or Robert or James, what will you yell when you're angry because your kid has shaved the cat or voted Liberal?
Banjo, Rusty, Skip.

Naming your child after alcohol is inappropriate (and even worse if you can’t spell it):
Bintang, Cooper, Jayga (I'm taking bets that the middle name is Mysta), Semyon, Karona.

Bikers and molls:
Blade, Blayde, Blaed, Blaze and Blayze, please leave the room.

Geographical names will not make your child look cosmopolitan:
Boston, Brooklyn, Cairo, Dakota, Dallas, Indiana, Memphis, Utah, Bethlehem, Bonneyville, Calais, Chyna, Cierra, Daytona, Decoda, Denver, Devon (or could that be after the NSW version of fritz?), Havanah, Indianna, Jemaica, Karolina, London, Montana, Sahara, Savannah, Tarlee, Yarra (at least these two are Aussie, I guess), Tennessee, Vienna, Indiya, Kenya, Oceania (a city or a country not enough? Then why not go for a whole soccer region!)

Changing “er” for “ah” just makes the kid sound just a little “special”:
Connah, Tylah, Ambah, Summah, Taylah.

Pure trailer trash:
Jad, Jachlan, Jailin, Jaimon, Jarren, Jaxon, Jhyrelle, Jodon, Kheshawn, Lyjones, Neshaun, Raiden, Taiyne, Tallyn, Tjarell, Tyreese, Aneisha, Chenael, Chinae, Darillinna, Jaelah, Jakyrah, Jamelia, Jarnilla, Jaskan, Jenisa, Kimjoline, La-Shay, Laytish, Schenise, Starla.

In the ghetto (for a girl this should end in ‘sha’, but often starts with ‘Ch’ or ‘Sh’, ‘K’ or ‘La’):
Chaniqua, Dayischa, Kaleesha, Keenisha, Lakeisha, Letaiiya, Shakahna, Shakeita, Shaytana, Shontayah, Tallaylah, Ditanyia.

Stripper names (girls only): Angel, Electra, Destiny, Breeze, Cameo, Emerald, Fuscia, Ginger, Gypsy, Honey, Jazelle, Jewel, Khushi, Kiki, Kalypso, Misty, Necta, Sapphire, Star, Wynter, Jazz, Liberty, Rain, Lotus.

Random apostrophes = bad (see also Pure Trailer Trash and In the Ghetto):
John’Anton, A’Janae, Da’jah, E’Lyssia, T’Leeah, T’Kira, T’nesha, Tae’lah.

Crimes against spelling (or how to force your kid to spell out his or her name for the rest of his or her life):
Kacper, Kamran, Kyrahn, Naython, Raighne, Rhyeleigh, Jorja, Mackayla, Penellape, Porscha, Sermone, Melleny.

Come on, man, you just made that crap up!
Xayde, Xyen, Ved, Tyryn, Tahnyl, Quratulain (this may be foreign and therefore not strictly an SBG name, but nothing with a ‘rat’ in it can be good), Tjayanga, Brightlyn, Charmony, Dagny, Jaskan, Jezalia, Opriss, Tohlea.

“Darl, listen to this one! It sounds so classy!”
Ashanti, Caprice, Chanel, Chevelle, Chetine, Danique, Dior, Magenta, Mercedes, Ritz, Qamarah (no, babe, it doesn’t sounds like a sweet potato!)

Now banned from overuse (in all their spellings) and because I’m just bored with them:
Jessica, Jordan, Madison, Bailey, Lachlan, Jayden, Michaela, Nikita, Scarlett, Brianna.

WTF, man?
God-Li, Knowledge, Sheriff, Elordy.

I have no more words
Stelth, Tornado, Zenith, Zeplyn, Akaylah, Justus, Celtic, Axiom, Terra (Terror? Do you really want your daughter to be stopped at every airport in the western world?)

Some of the South Australians who named their kids in 2005 obviously got some ideas from this site. It’s great. Really. http://www.babynameworld.com/unique.asp