In which Red takes the piss out of a nitwit

A little while ago, I received this comment on an old post on shallow bush grave names.

“I decided to search for my daughters name online as it is quite unique name, and the name has personal meaning to my wife. this is the only site in the world that mentions it and because you happen to be from adelaide and have the name Kyealea on your blog I guess we probably know you.It must be a sad existance to be 36 at the time of blogging this and finding enjoyment from being the first person to tease young children because of thier names. Be brave and send me your real name to holdensblow@yahoo.com.au

this crap is why I dont blog because its a safe place for pathetic people to show how brave they are while being completely Anonymous. Heres some advice get off the computer go out get a partner and live life or if you already have one get a new one because they are obviously not doing anything for you, you twisted bitter old pathetic bitch.

hope to hear from you soon
David (yes a real name!!)”

Oh, Dave, Dave, Dave. Sweetie. Darling. Where can I even begin?

For a start, thank you for dropping by. It’s so nice to find a new person to offend. That’s the wonderful thing about old posts: they continue to piss people off for months and even years. Now, a few things:

(1) I do not know you. Promise.

(2) You seem to have missed the point. I feel sorry for children with appalling names. It’s actually you, their parents, that I’m having a good old Aussie go at. I’m guessing your daughter's name is probably pronounced just the same way as "Kylie", because let's face it, “Ky-a-lee-ah” would just be too Kath and Kim to contemplate. You also fail to understand that it makes no difference to me whether it has "personal meaning" to your wife. I don't care. My point is that your unique name is so unique that the poor kid will have to spell it for the rest of her life, every time she phones for a pizza, books a doctor's appointment or calls a taxi.

(3) As for emailing you with my real name, if you think that’s going to happen, you’re dumber than your email address. I mean, really. holdensblow@yahoo.com.au? Sorry to disappoint you, Dave, but you’re just going to have to look elsewhere for a pen pal. Try Bogans R Us. But in the meantime, if anyone would like to sign Dave up for some nasty German fetish porn, please feel free!

(4) I think the real reason you don’t blog is because you can neither punctuate nor spell. I'm pleased to see that you know the difference between "of" and "off", but I think you'll find it's "existence", not "existance". Basic literacy skills are usually required to write, despite what you may have seen on MySpaz.

(5) Thanks for your concern, but I have a man and a fun social life (that does not involve Ford motor vehicles in any way). Would you believe it, I even have friends? But guess what? I still have time left over for being a bitch. I guess I’m just multi-talented, me.

Love and kisses,

The Twisted, Bitter, Old, Pathetic Bitch
(See Dave? I understand the use of commas.)

PS I'd still like you to write out "Kylie" 100 times in chalk on the asphalt of the playground. Do let me know when you're done.

Daughter of SBG Redux

I've just demolished a bowl of vanilla ice-cream with caramel topping and I'm all sugared up and ready to take on Part II: the ickle durls. (Anyone still interested? First visit? Read yesterday's to find out what's going on. I'll wait until you get back.)

I thnk the girls' names may actually be worse than the boys' names. This is because you can make a girl's name from string and cardboard if you just put "a", "ana" or "elle" on the end. I shouldn't say that. It could give people ideas. "Stringana, darling, come here!" There are also more girls' names than boys' names: 2219 compared to 1743. I don't think there were that many more girls born than boys - it's just there are more lovely, unique names, mainly due to creative spelling.

As I mentioned last post, SBG names fall into several categories. You have the usual crimes against spelling, the "Ford-damn, you just made that crap up!", the hyphenated horrors and the ghetto names, but there are two that the boys don't have: the "ooh, darl, this'll sound classy" name and the stripper name. These two are my favourites, to tell the truth, though I do enjoy the names with random apostrophes running around all over the place like Paris Hilton.

That's just plain old wrong. I don't care if you want to be different. Go away and write it out 100 times.
Aleyna, Alizah, Amahli, Ameleiyah, Arnya, Caicee, Calleigh, Charlieze, Cortni, Donay, Eleasha, Febe, Hydi, Indyanna, Izzabella, Jazmaine, Kenede (yes, that's supposed to be Kennedy), Kayc, Keearah, Kyealea, Lateisha, Madasyn, Maddelen, Matildah, Myher, Murissa, Porscha, Rhyleagh, Summah.

Hyphenation/apostrophes gone mad
Aale'yah, Angelina-Boromey, Bre'anna, Char-Lee, Chey'Li, Emma'Lee, Eva'Rose, Halia-Rose, Isabella-Maddison, Isabella-Pauli, J'Larni, Jada-Jasmine, Jha-Zeil, K-Lee, Kai-Leigh, Layla'Raye, Ma'kaya-Lorraine, Raffi-Elle, Ruby-Anais, She-Ro, Skyler-Raine, Te-Arna, Teiria-Teaomanga.

Classy, darl, classy!
Acacia, Brielle, Chanel, Dariaux, Dior, Giverny, Lior, Monet, Revelle, Sable, Shardae, Teneille.

These are just ordinary old nouns and adjectives, people, not names
Clemency, Experience, Harmony, Patience, Serenity, Serene.

Destined to be a pole dancer
Akaidia, Amethyst, Angelle, Ashanti, Avalon, Bijou, Blayze, Bibi, Buffy, Chayse, Coco, Delilah, Dusty, Emerald, Flaire, Fayre, Gigi, Ginger, Gypsie, Hasti, Isis, Jazzelle, Jewel, Kismet, Lacey, Lelou, Loralai, Lotus, Loulou, Magnolia, Marigold, Mischka, Myky, Ocean, Opal, Pepper, Raven, River, Saffron, Sapphire, Sequoya, Star, Storm, Sunset, Tiger-Lily, Trinity, Wednesday, Velvet, Willow, Winter.

Another child is born in the ghettoooo...
Aashka, Aiyanah, Aliandra, Aliqua, Ayette, Briayshia, Chantae, Charnae, Chernille, Isheekeba, Jakira, Janaya, Kaniesha, Kanye, Kasharna, Katayah, Keshani, Kennocha, Kyesha, Lakeesha, Lashawna, Letaya, Nakeisha, Nasheeta, Natikah, Quinaiha, Qwynisha, Rachita, Rakeisha, (uh oh - we've hit the "sh" names and there's an arselolad of 'em) Shailea, Shaimsha, Shakaye, Shakota, Shakiya, Shanara, Shanaya, Shanee, Shaniqua, Shanrell, Shanze, Shaquanah, Sharanya, Sharndel, Shaykel, Shebella, Sherkia, Shianne, Shomiquah, Shontai, Sonaeya, T'nae, Ta'Shay, Taleeyah, Taleika, Taneisha, Tashara, Tanaya, Tiarnah, Tilyaana, Tkiah, Tleya, Tnisha, Trizarna.

It's not quite ghetto, but it's not quite right either. Probably made-up.
Annecy, Anyana, Arstarsia, Avantika, Azarita, Billyana, Braelyn, Casanne, Chalina, Dashiella, Deniessa, Dellen, Elleanah, Jalanie, Jordis, Kaiason, Kimly, Mairead, Mythany, Rayenne, Talise, Yazlyn.

Atlas names
Asia, Brooklyne, Calais, Chyna, Ciera, Elba, Illyria, Jersey, Manasi, Montahhareh, Oceania, Paris, Shiloh, Tarlee,

And, of course, the ones that need special jeering:

Alaska "It's so cold, in Alaska/When she takes speed/They laugh and ask her/What is in her mind." Thank you, Mr Lou Reed.
Alektra Go ask your dad how to spell your name properly.
Ambreen Christ, that's ugly! It sounds like fingernails on a blackboard.
Anastasia-Angle I know "Angel" is hard to spell sometimes. I know. It's like forgetting to put the L in public. But really, I think you should have tried a bit harder for your daughter's birth certificate.
Azaria Registry worker: "Excuse me, madam! I'm sorry, you can't use this name. We had far too much trouble with it last time. Pick another one. What about Caterina? I like Caterina."
Bligh Right. Captain who lost his ship to mutineers, reasonably foul-tempered Governor of NSW. Perfect name for a little girl!
Capri Capri pants = crap. Ford Capri = crap. Notice a trend here? If you rearrange the letters, it even spells CRAPI.
Chai This is really one of her middle names. Her first names are Spiced Soy. Her surname is Latte. Her parents are mad.
Chardennay Whoa. I know this name became quite popular in the UK after the first season of Footballers' Wives, but I thought everyone had forgotten about it now. This one always makes me think of the drag queen in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.
Chippy Pauline Hanson's granddaughter.
Coeli I can't wait until this kid has to do biology and the class is learning about that nasty, icky poo bug, E. coli.
Creina A particularly foul skin disease that causes carbuncles and peeling.
Dahli Since there's been a bit of a rash of people naming their kids after artists (see Monet above), I would like to think this child was named for that mad mostachioed master of the dripping clock. Otherwise, the options are (a) it's short for "darling" or (b) it's Foreign. Just in case it's the latter, I'll shut up now.
Destanee Oh, whacko. That one's pole dancing gold. She'll probably take "Susan" as her stage name though.
Demi-Tina What? Only half a Tina? Which half did they get?
Dorcus I know this is an old Celticky sort of name, but it's just too cruel to use now.
Emjay This is not a name. This is some initials that you just spelled out. Go away and think harder.
Ember Oh, right, like Amber, but, um, a bit more like a hot coal? Right. Great idea. I love it. It's fantastic. Are you an arsonist?
Jamaika-Rose Creative spelling, check. Hyphen, check. Future pole dancer, check. Poor kid. Three strikes and yerrrrout.
Kakodah Please, please, let this not be some sort of bastardisation of Kokoda. The cringe is too great. I may not survive it.
Kwalah Is this one Foreign too? Because it looks suspiciously like the name a rogue drop-bear would give itself as it tied a red rag around his head and went on a gun-totin' rampage.
Kiden No, these parents seem to have been serious.
Makita Obviously dad would have preferred a bench saw.
Margherita She has a brother called Four Seasons and a sister called With-the-Lot-Hold-the-Anchovies. (Everyone calls her Lottie for short, though.)
Maybelline "Well, it was just so cute. The first thing she did was grab my lipstick. We thought of calling her 'Slutty Red Oil Slick', but we decided against it."
Mystique We all liked that Jackman boy in X-Men (especially when he was sans shirt) and we'd all like to have a cool mutation like being able to summon Haigh's chocolate by just thinking about it, but calling your daughter Mystique is taking things too far. She's going to end up a pole dancer. A blue one.
Rykiah The first baby in the world that can be put together with an alan key.
Taimania Small island off southern Australia where everyone is just crazy about noodles topped with crushed peanuts.
Tannisen Pommy guy. Poet. Dead. Wrote "The Charge of the Light Brigade" and "The Lady of the Shallott", yeah?
Tennent Probably related to Merchant from the boys' list.
Tonique The only tonique I'm interested in is the watery sort, in a glass with my vodka. And even then, I'd prefer soda.
Zinfandel Dunno about you, but I'd love to be named after a shitty white wine. I suppose they could have called her UDL, though, so she should be thankful.

But there can be only one, as Sean Connery said when he was wearing that natty red velvet suit and dishy hat in Highlander. And here it is. The Shallow Bush Grave Name of 2006 (drum roll, etc., etc.)

Spiral-Moon Wow. I really am in awe.

SBG Redux

I've said it before and I'll say it again. In fact, I should just make a recording. What the hell is wrong with people?

You may have noticed from my sidebar that I have a very, very slight obsession with inappropriate baby names. I'm sorry to say that the problem has reached plague proportions. For every nice, normal name like Nick and Jack and Holly and Eva, there are five nasty, shallow bush grave names like Shaniquwaah and Blayde and Jayden and Keshani. Giving a child one of these names condemns him or her to

• a shallow bush grave (in extreme cases);
• a life of socioeconomic disadvantage;
• or, at the very least, to a lifetime of having to spell that crappy name every time they order pizza or make an appointment.

There are variations on the SBG theme, including the trailer trash name, the ghetto name and, for the girls, the stripper name. All are cruel and unusual punishment.

Every January, Hatch, Match and Dispatch puts together a list of all the names that have been given to children the year before. The 2006 list came out on Monday, but I hadn't had a chance to get to it until today. (Bloke cleared out for foreign climes yet again this morning (sniff!), leaving me with plenty of time on my hands). It didn't make for pleasant reading, people. Here we go with the boys:

There were the usual crimes against spelling committed by people who wanted their kids' names to be different and creative (but who just end up sounding like they have adenoid trouble or a slight brian injury): Baqer, Bay-Lih, Aksel, Adikus, Coopa, Danyall, Deazal, Dontae, Frayzah, Harrysen, Huntar, Jerramy, Jaymz, Keilghe (I think this is supposed to be "Kyle"), Linkin, Lokhlan, Maqenzee, Pheonix, Rivah, Xavaeir.

The ridiculous hyphenated and grocers'-apostrophied names: Alex-Zander, BJ-Basil, Cam'Ron, Cornelieu-Ioan, Indi-Oaklen, Jiley-Kim, Marc-Marwen, Maximillian-Claudius, O'Che, Shah-Fred.

Lord of the Rings (or just sound like they belong there): Balin (and Eowyn, Arwen and Pippin in the girls' section).

Star Wars (ditto): Anakin, Krillin, Rith, Tjeryan, Zarich, Zaak, Zixin.

US soap opera names: Chance, Moss, Reef, Rayne, Storm.

The people who think if they name their kids after someone famous, they'll follow in their footsteps: Beckham, Bonn, Bradtke, Brock, Bryson, Hendrix, Jamiriqui. (Thank Ford no-one called their son Irwin.)

Dogs' names: Butch, Banjo, Bosco, Kaiser, Kip.

The kids who are going to be teased mercilessly and will end up with eating disorders: Ador, Best, Florian, Fatonah, Linus, Mabil, Milo, Medwin, Trumby.

The kids whose parents obviously made up their names: Ashkan, Acelin, Caeydin, Braithan, Danthra, Corrado, Deontae, Dreyse, Eraynd, Jachin, Jaikye, Jaityn, Jaxton, Jharlei, Jibril, Kaiji, Navid, Naysan, Rhylan, Tayton.

The people who chose geograhical names for their children because they sounded so exotic (but since they don't own an atlas, they don't realise when they've mis-spelled them): Boston, Brooklyn, Cypress, Dakotah, Denver, Harvard, Jarva, Kairo, Rome, Yyork.

The people who don't realise that names from mythology, ancient history and Dickens often don't work now: Ajax, Hadrian, Hector, Jethro, Judah, Loki, Lucafer, Moses, Odin, Serafeim, Socrates.

There were the ones that came straight from the ghetto: Jamayne, Jyrelle, Kyrelle, Lamine, Lethaniel, Nashawn, Shakielle, Shayden, Shayaan, Tashawn, Tyrique.

And the ones that sounded kinda cool because of their connotations, but are nonetheless ridiculous: Blade, Jazz, Jet, Justice, Krush, Kouger, Maverick, Ocean, Radman (yeah, rad, man!), Rocky, Zephyr.

And then there were the real champions:

Aramis I don't care whether you named your kid after the Musketeer or the aftershave. It's a crap name and he's going to get beaten up. Often.
Apostle-Paul "Appy" for short?
Aryan Whose daddy's a white supremacist, then? Aww, cootchy-cootchy-ziegheil!
Bless Maybe he can hang around with Aryan and be a calming influence.
Dazza Are his friends going to nick-name him Darren?
Django Could this be a euphemism for the happy 'baccy? As in, "Don't bogart the django, man!" Either that, or the catch-cry of a super hero named Ebonics Man from a '70s Blacksploitation film.
Eagle Strange how no-one ever calls their kid Magpie or Lice-Besmirched Pigeon. That would work.
Fox And why doesn't anyone ever call their kid Ferret or Dung-Beetle? Oh well. At least little Fox and Eagle can play soccer together after they've finished torturing kittens and burning down the school.
Gemtree Well, I like gems and I like trees, so...
Mazin Please, oh please, tell me this is not an abbreviated version of "Amazing". It's a boy's name, so the middle name can't be Grace.
Merchant Huh?
Rathanak Klingon for, "Why, no thank you, I don't belive I will have any pudding this evening".
Oz Great. The inspiration here was either a lame Judy Garland movie or that sweet, funny US prison show. Destined to be beaten up at school.
PJ Were they sending the birth certificate by telegram? Did they have to pay by the letter or something?
Rommell See Aryan, further up. Deutschland, Deutschland, uber alles...
Safari Le sigh.
Shikane Er, don't racing cars go through these?
Tahkoma Bletch. Sounds cancerous.
Taine I believe this is a polite term for a skid mark on a pair of Y-fronts.
Taltos Let me guess, you love Anne Rice's books, right?
Tekin And your husband was big on video games? Gosh, I'm psychic.
Tresor You named your son after your favourite perfume. Wow. I'm... speechless.
Viva Hmm, I know I've heard that somewhere before. An Elvis song maybe?
Vegas Oh, yeah! Now I remember! I hope that Viva and Vegas become friends and meet an open-minded girl named Las when they grow up.
Vissarion A little-known but extremely powerful treatment for planter warts. (Ooh, let's paint a bucket of the stuff on Philip Ruddock and see if he'll vanish! If it works, we'll buy a 44 gallon drum and go to work on John Howard, Amanda Vanstone and Alexander Downer too.)
Zainul Is it just me, or is a fairly bad idea to give a child a name that rhymes with "anal"?
Zebulon Just spray on the Zebulon and bam! That taine is gone!

Oh, holy hell. I don't think I can go on. I haven't even got to the girls yet. If I don't slash my wrists tonight, I'll finish up tomorrow.

Why, oh why, are people so unkind?

Edit: Oops. I just went back to visit the Apple Barrel and realised that since I popped in this morning, people have been talking about crazy kids' names there all day. Sorry, Audrey - I didn't mean to copy!

The SBG name

On Saturdays, I like to play The Game. All my mates have already heard about The Game, but damn it, this is my hobbyhorse and I’m going to ride it until the wheels fall off. Or I get bored and start playing with my Barbie Campervan instead.

The Game involves looking through the birth notices in The Traumatiser for inappropriate baby names. When you find one, you yell it out to the nearest person (plus the spelling, because that’s often the best bit). If there’s no-one home, you text a mate so they too can be horrified.

You'll know an inappropriate baby name when you see one. It’s when people call their kids stuff like Amber Rain (how did no-one realise that was way too close to "Golden Shower"?) or Jaxxxson D. You can just imagine the weddings in about 25 years’ time: “Do you, Tulip Melodee Capri, take Diezel-Reef Rocky to be your lawful wedded husband?”

No. It’s just wrong and it has to stop.

When I was a kid, the worst thing that people could do was call their children Kylie or Darren. Now the possibilities are endless. “Hey, darl, let’s just make up some crap and call junior that! I know - Shanniyquw'aah would be really individual!” When kids were all called Jane or Robert, they made up rock’n’roll stage names like Pink and Eminem, but now what do they have? Sweet FA. These kids will be changing their names to Bill and Nancy to be different because their friends are all called Stelth Jet and Charlize-Trinity-Pi.

This phenomenon goes by many names, but my favourite is the one that a friend came up with: the shallow bush grave name. Giving a child a shallow bush grave name condemns him or her to a lifetime of socioeconomic disadvantage, at the very least; at the worst, it means an unmarked grave in a state forest.

When choosing a name for a new pet (yes, even goldfish), I like to use what I refer to as the doorstep test. Choose a name, then stand at the back door and yell it. Do you feel like a dick? If the answer is ‘yes’, choose another name for kitty. The same goes for kids. Come on, people, there’s no need for anyone to have a name that he or she will have to spell out every time they order a pizza FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. Have some sense of mercy.

There are so many different levels of wrongness with the current trend in children’s names. The South Australian department of Hatch, Match and Despatch has helpfully collected all the names given to children over the past few years on their web site. I spent a little time the other day going through the 2005 list, looking for examples, and all of these names are fair dink. Have a look for yourself: http://www.ocba.sa.gov.au/bdm/babynames.html. I needed several large vodka, lime and sodas afterwards to calm my nerves, but if just one child can be saved the indignity of being called Tae'lah, it will have been worth it.

Initials (in disguise or not) are just cruel:
Ajay, Arjay, Ceejay, J, MC, Tjay, Lakaya-K.

Dogs' names are also out. What if he or she grows up to become Prime Minster?
Ace, Astro, Bud, Dash, Duke, Jet, Coco, Lulu, Terriah.

Making a name by taking something random and adding “lyn”, “len”, “din”, “den”, “don”, “son”or “syn” also doesn’t work:
Acelyn, Baylen, Caelyn, Rocklyn, Shayden, Trenden.

Some kids are doomed to be bullied because their names are just not appropriate for anything past 45BC (or is that BCE? not that I'm politically correct, of course):
Adonis, Caesar, Lancelot, Neptune, Oberon, Aphrodite, Delilah, Isis.
Then there’s Latrelle, which is obviously made-up and not from the age before time, but dooms the poor kid to Chinese burns in the schoolyard anyway because it's a little close to 'latrine'.

Just because famous people chose arsehat names for their kids, doesn’t mean you should too:
Brooklyn, Romeo, Talon, Apple, Cruz, Mackenzie, Tigerlilly.

Thou shalt not name thy children from The Lord of the Rings or any other fantasy adventures.
Aelfric, Balen, Eldan, Haydar, Merlin, Odhinn, Shandor, Theoden, Thorin, Avalon.

Putting two crap names together with a hyphen doesn’t make the final effect any better:
Alvin-Aram, Blaize-Aanton, Coda-Ryley, Max-Shingo, Charm-Sahara, Cherkira-Anne, Rumour-Lilly, Shania-Shanni.

No, no, and no!
Anzac.

But they’re trees, man! Trees!
Aspen, Cypress, Huon, Jarrah, Acacia, Cedar, Oaklane, Sequoia, Grevillea.

It might have sounded cool on TV, but it won't work at kindy:
Alfie, Bond, Jorell (wasn’t that Superman’s dad?), Maximus (yes, we all liked Gladiator and thought Russell Crowe looked hot in leather, but it’s time to get over it now), Neo, Ripley, Trinity, Wyloe (that's 'Willow' to people who can spell), Xena, Leia.

Naming your child after a singer or actor will not guarantee them stage success and they probably still won’t want to talk to you when you are 64:
Axel, Cobain, Diesel, Duran (!), Jaggar, Jethro, Ozzy, Presley, Delta, Dusty, Mariah, Missy, Santanah, Shaniah, Sharday, Sinead, Chevvy, Deniro, Denzel, Dustin, Errol, Keanu, Marlon, Phoenix, River, Cameron, Demi, Jada, Sienna, Tatum, Charlize.

Destined to become US soap opera characters:
Beacher, Bracken, Clay, Dace, Reef, Riven, Saxon, Ocean, Nova, Onyx, Paisley, Serenity, Storm.

These are nicknames, not proper names. Think about it, parents - if you don't have a 'full' name like Charles or Robert or James, what will you yell when you're angry because your kid has shaved the cat or voted Liberal?
Banjo, Rusty, Skip.

Naming your child after alcohol is inappropriate (and even worse if you can’t spell it):
Bintang, Cooper, Jayga (I'm taking bets that the middle name is Mysta), Semyon, Karona.

Bikers and molls:
Blade, Blayde, Blaed, Blaze and Blayze, please leave the room.

Geographical names will not make your child look cosmopolitan:
Boston, Brooklyn, Cairo, Dakota, Dallas, Indiana, Memphis, Utah, Bethlehem, Bonneyville, Calais, Chyna, Cierra, Daytona, Decoda, Denver, Devon (or could that be after the NSW version of fritz?), Havanah, Indianna, Jemaica, Karolina, London, Montana, Sahara, Savannah, Tarlee, Yarra (at least these two are Aussie, I guess), Tennessee, Vienna, Indiya, Kenya, Oceania (a city or a country not enough? Then why not go for a whole soccer region!)

Changing “er” for “ah” just makes the kid sound just a little “special”:
Connah, Tylah, Ambah, Summah, Taylah.

Pure trailer trash:
Jad, Jachlan, Jailin, Jaimon, Jarren, Jaxon, Jhyrelle, Jodon, Kheshawn, Lyjones, Neshaun, Raiden, Taiyne, Tallyn, Tjarell, Tyreese, Aneisha, Chenael, Chinae, Darillinna, Jaelah, Jakyrah, Jamelia, Jarnilla, Jaskan, Jenisa, Kimjoline, La-Shay, Laytish, Schenise, Starla.

In the ghetto (for a girl this should end in ‘sha’, but often starts with ‘Ch’ or ‘Sh’, ‘K’ or ‘La’):
Chaniqua, Dayischa, Kaleesha, Keenisha, Lakeisha, Letaiiya, Shakahna, Shakeita, Shaytana, Shontayah, Tallaylah, Ditanyia.

Stripper names (girls only): Angel, Electra, Destiny, Breeze, Cameo, Emerald, Fuscia, Ginger, Gypsy, Honey, Jazelle, Jewel, Khushi, Kiki, Kalypso, Misty, Necta, Sapphire, Star, Wynter, Jazz, Liberty, Rain, Lotus.

Random apostrophes = bad (see also Pure Trailer Trash and In the Ghetto):
John’Anton, A’Janae, Da’jah, E’Lyssia, T’Leeah, T’Kira, T’nesha, Tae’lah.

Crimes against spelling (or how to force your kid to spell out his or her name for the rest of his or her life):
Kacper, Kamran, Kyrahn, Naython, Raighne, Rhyeleigh, Jorja, Mackayla, Penellape, Porscha, Sermone, Melleny.

Come on, man, you just made that crap up!
Xayde, Xyen, Ved, Tyryn, Tahnyl, Quratulain (this may be foreign and therefore not strictly an SBG name, but nothing with a ‘rat’ in it can be good), Tjayanga, Brightlyn, Charmony, Dagny, Jaskan, Jezalia, Opriss, Tohlea.

“Darl, listen to this one! It sounds so classy!”
Ashanti, Caprice, Chanel, Chevelle, Chetine, Danique, Dior, Magenta, Mercedes, Ritz, Qamarah (no, babe, it doesn’t sounds like a sweet potato!)

Now banned from overuse (in all their spellings) and because I’m just bored with them:
Jessica, Jordan, Madison, Bailey, Lachlan, Jayden, Michaela, Nikita, Scarlett, Brianna.

WTF, man?
God-Li, Knowledge, Sheriff, Elordy.

I have no more words
Stelth, Tornado, Zenith, Zeplyn, Akaylah, Justus, Celtic, Axiom, Terra (Terror? Do you really want your daughter to be stopped at every airport in the western world?)

Some of the South Australians who named their kids in 2005 obviously got some ideas from this site. It’s great. Really. http://www.babynameworld.com/unique.asp