I knew it!

Gay people have way more fun than straight people. How do I know this? Gay advertising is so much more entertaining than the mainstream rubbish.

Sitting in the pub tonight, I found Objects of Love, the official guide to the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras. The cover looked promising, with little circular images including a nekkid bum, some boobs and a martini, but it was the ads that really stole the show.

Page 5: an ad for a dental practice with a lovely looking boy dressed only in a very low-slung towel and holding up a toothbrush. The pitch? "Things you'll never hear at Holdsworth House Dental Practice", including:

• "I'm sure you've had nastier things in your mouth."
• "So, got any kids yet?"
• "That will cost... oh, just give us your car."
• "Come on down, and bring your sought-after pink dollars!"
• "No need to be afraid of a little prick!"

Comedy gold! Why don't they put stuff like this in mainstream publications? Are straight people really that easily offended? I'd pay extra to go to a dentist who never asked whether I had any kids yet.

Further in, we have an ad for water: "Pump me all night". Nice. Next page? Two extremely toned arses advertising Austrian Airways with the words, "No butts about it, we've got great packages."

A few more pages in, there's an ad for a deoderant called Naked. Of course.

I just couldn't find a thing to wear.

By this point, I was starting to feel very jealous, but then I reached the art exhibition ad on page 46. Suddenly, I was not jealous at all. But I was very, very sober:

The chairs! Take pity on the chairs!

Page 53 is advertising something called Sanctuary. I'm not sure what it is, but it's for when your "muff" is "feeling tuff". Um, excuse me, but how does one know if one's muff is feeling tuff? Does it start demanding tequlia laybacks and trying to pick fights with Hell's Angels?

On Page 61, there's an ad for a place called Hairstop, with a "Cheeky Mardi Gras Special - Pay for one cheek and get the other cheek on us." Apparently, this is valued at $300. (Why does it cost $300 to wax one bum cheek when legs only cost about $35? Wouldn't an arse be fairly easy to wax? And isn't that exploiting the pink dollar?)

Seven pages later, we have a full page ad for a nudey beach on Mykonos, complete with some boys wandering along in the buff. Page 70? Cocksox, of course.

And this is just the ads! The shows and exhibitions and parties look even more fun! Mardi Gras advertising is da shiz. I'm feeling pretty damned gypped with the mainstream junk, now that I've seen this. It just doesn't look like they're even trying to be witty or amusing, compared to this stuff. As an example, have a look at what I pulled out of an envelope full of rubbish in my letterbox today:

Who ordered the shaved chihuahua?

I think I'll have the guy on the train, thanks.