Friday, December 15, 2006

The plague

Ah, Adelaide. Can there really be a better place for weirdo-watching? I have two examples par excellence for your amusement.

Exhibit one: Ms Orange Peel
Yesterday, I wandered into Rundle Mall to do some shopping for Western Consumer Holiday (book vouchers, mais bien sur). On the way back, I found myself walking behind Ms Orange Peel. It was like an immense train wreck. I simply couldn't look away. Ms OP was wearing fried blonde hair with about four inches of dark roots, the skankiest high heels one has ever seen in one's life and a denim miniminimini skirt. She was a reasonable size for a mini, yet not of a reasonable age. Cellulite overtakes us all, sooner of later. It's a sad fact. But I could have forgiven her all of her other sins, had it not been for The Skirt.

In the end, there is very little I can say about this skirt apart from, "Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! The plague has spread!!!!!"

Naturally, I mean the plague of pantlesssness. Britney and all those other over-paid, over-privileged little skanks have done it again. Knickerlessness is rife.

Ms OP had either failed to undies up for the day, or she was wearing a G-string. Nothing really wrong with a G, although I find them extremely uncomfortable myself, and I can't help thinking of Number One Brother's charming turn of phrase: "Have you flossed your arse today?"

So, Ms OP had either flossed her arse or simply gone sans culottes. (There's a reason that in French "sans culottes" means "crazy". Especially when you are wearing an arse-length denim miniminimini.

Because Ms OP had one small problem. Every time she took a step, the lower half of her right arse cheek fell out of her skirt. Never the left. Only the right.

I couldn't look away. How could I? It was like The Ghan hitting that dirty great pantechnicon that was parked across the tracks outside of Darwin. Step, fine, step, maaahh! - visible arse cheek! Step, fine, step, maaahh! - visible arse cheek!

As my dear Mancunian mate said when I told him this story (and pointed out a similar specimen on the footpath ahead of us), "Is orange peel the only fruit?" Hurrah, Marc. I enjoyed your Janette Winterson reference, but was nevertheless traumatised. Holy hell - I used to like oranges!

Example two: Mr Crab
As Bloke and I walked through the train station last night, we couldn't help but notice Mr Crab. I looked at him and thought, "Oh, poor fucker. He must be brain injured."

Mr Crab was bent sideways, with his head all but in his armpit and his knapsack riding his ear. He was staggering. He had a very long, grey pony-tail. Every now and again, the head-in-armpit thing would get the better of him and would steer him directly into a wall. And he would just stand there, kicking the wall some. He didn't seem to be able to work out the right combination of moves to get away from the wall.

In fact, the poor bastard was so fucked that he looked like me trying to play Grand Theft Auto. It's embarrassing to admit, but I'm a Playstation 'tard. The last video game I was capable of playing was Donkey Kong in that little orange-and-silver Nintendo double-screen thingie. Jump barrel, forward, forward, jump barrel, up ladder, jump barrel...

Anyway, here was I thinking this poor bastard was brain injured and I was torn between trying not to look and wanting to help him onto the train, when Bloke says, "Faaaark, he's pissed". Obviously, I'm not what you'd call a nice or compassionate person. Obviously. But even I said, "Jeez, Bloke, he's brain injured isn't he? That's not nice!"

"No," Bloke said. "I often see him on the train and he's totally normal."

Well! Reader, I developed a new sense of respect for Mr Crab. I've never seen anyone that trashed who was still conscious. Even some of MY mates, and let me tell you, that's saying a lot.

So, hurrah, Adelaide! Well done to us. We have the mankiest miniminimini-skirt in the history of pantslessness AND the Most Pissed Guy In The World.


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At 10:18 pm, December 15, 2006, Blogger londongirl said...

you must be very proud

At 10:22 pm, December 15, 2006, Blogger redcap said...

Erm, not really. I'd rather have Thomas Pynchon living next door (albeit across a very, very, very large open space). But then Adelaide is the City of Serial Killers, so I guess that's a claim to fame, yeah?

At 11:40 pm, December 15, 2006, Blogger MadameBoffin said...

Most Pissed Guy In The World. I think you're right and this is in the country that gave the world Boonie and Bob Hawke. Impressive.

Someone should take a photo of those girls and show it to them: See! See, this is what you look like! SO QUIT TORTURING US WITH YOUR SAGGY ASS!! ;)

At 7:06 am, December 16, 2006, Blogger jedimerc said...

Man, and thought this was really going to be about the plague *sigh* :)

I thought Adelaide was a very charming city, but I was there during the Festival, so it was a bit rowdier than I was told it would be (um, by the guidebooks)

At 6:09 pm, December 16, 2006, Blogger audrey said...

My friend's friend was visiting from Sydney the other day, and she wanted to see The Emos. So Cath took her over to their clubhouse at Gloria Jeans and they all hung out together and took photos. It was just like the ganguro in Yoyogi Park....

Then the friend said she'd email one of the emos the photo if she got their address. It was, and I kid you not:

Adelaide. Heart.

At 7:16 pm, December 16, 2006, Blogger Ariel said...

I've seen some pretty skanky minis and hotpants in Adelaide. Let alone all those navel-diving tops. Some of them on my (beloved) relatives, who have friends who are cheerleaders and pole dancers.

It's a people-watching haven.

At 7:25 pm, December 16, 2006, Blogger redcap said...

Boff, I know it's a big call. But holy hell! You should have seen the guy. And it wasn't that Ms OP's ass was particuarly saggy - it was more that it was lopsided and her skirt far, far too short. ~shudder~

Jedimerc, sorry to get your hopes up, man. I shouldn't have said "the plague" I should have just said "a plague". Or perhaps just "the plague of pantlessness". Though I'll be more than happy to rustle up something on the Black Death, of Albert Camus, if it would make your life complete :)

Audrey, I've been looking at Emos recently (bless their little black cotton socks) and wondering whether they should be allowed to drive. After all, with their hair all over one eye like that, do they have enough peripheral vision?

Ariel, cheerleaders and pole dancers? I'm impressed. But Adelaide is, indeed, people-watching heaven. I used to work at Port Adelaide and the Port Canal Shopping Centre is possibly one of *the* best value watch spots in all of Adelaide.

At 8:17 am, December 17, 2006, Blogger Scorpy said...

LOL...that brings back so many memories of riding my bike into Adelaide for a coffee on Sunday morning only to find the weirdness of the world staggering thru Rundle Mall. I hate those chicks that look hot from the back with tight jeans and flowing (but over peroxided hair) strutting their stuff but once they turn around the Ghan train wreck now springs to mind...We used to call them 1959's...19 from the back but 59 from the front LOL

At 8:41 am, December 17, 2006, Blogger jedimerc said...

Ah, the Black Death :) (I actually own a stuffed yersinia pestis ) Now that was a plague's plague...

At 11:06 pm, December 17, 2006, Blogger redcap said...

Scorpy, ha! Nice one. I think there's a Japanese word for a woman who looks great from behind but somewhat less attractive when she turns around.

Jedimerc, you have a stuffed plague bacillus? Wow. It wouldn't have occurred to me that such things were available!

At 6:21 am, December 18, 2006, Blogger jedimerc said...

I attend a lot of pop culture/sci fi/anime shows (where I sell anime-related products) and many of the vendors sell odd t-shirts and other odds and ends... one of the odds and ends a particular t-shirt vendor sells is stuffed viruses and diseases... funny, but terribly wrong. Since I study a great deal of medieval history, I thought the stuffed Plague would be appropriate :)

At 10:24 am, December 18, 2006, Blogger redcap said...

Yes, very wrong, but still amusing :)


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