Monday, September 18, 2006

Value-priced, satisfaction guaranteed

Girls and boys, the Hack is deeply disturbed. Flipping through the TV guide the other day, as one does, I came across this:

It's A Faberge-inspired Tribute to a Departed Loved One. Have a click. You, too, can be horrified.

Apart from the fact that is clearly Egg Artistry Theft, it plays "Amazing Grace" and has a mawkish rhyme written on the front:

“If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I’d walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.”

(It’s probably copyright to Bradford, so I’m acknowledging them. I don’t want to get into a war with these guys. They look scary.)

The Faberge-blah-blah-blah thing has a little diamante staircase that leads up to a kinda-diamante cross. It’s silver. It’s white. It’s One of The Tackiest Things the Hack Has Ever Seen (sorry Etiquette Grrls, but I’m borrowing your Insert Pained Look Here capitals).

The TV guide ad says,

“When our loved ones pass on, we know they await us in Paradise, but still miss their presence in our daily lives.” Huh? WTF? For people who live in Adelaide, Paradise is not that desirable a suburb. It’s waaaay too close to the Great Big Happy Clapper Church that spawned Guy Sebastian. But hang on, I see the attraction. If you buy this crappy egg thingy for the remarkable value of just $79.95, you too can make yourself miserable at any hour of the day by cranking it up to play "Amazing Grace". Aww. Isn't that masochistic?

But the arse musical egg wasn’t enough. I, too, am a masochist (but not quite enough to buy the stairway to heaven), so I visited to see what else they had.

Reader, I was speechless. Where should I start? The Minature Cottages (at just $119.97 per "sculpture")? Or the Peter Brock the Legend Express Train Set (a steal at only $139.95 per issue)? Or perhaps one of the So Truly Real Pets, like My Little Yorkie? There’s something for everyone here, and the horror just goes on and on. And on. I’m starting to feel like Kurtz at the end of The Heart of Darkness. (Or Apocalypse Now. Whatever floats your boat.) Sorry, My Little Yorkie completely blew my formatting, so you'll have to click for a look. He/she is "poseable", "remarkably lifelike" and comes with a 365 day money-back guarantee. Against what? Crapping on the carpet? Humping your mother-in-law’s leg? I’m not sure, but you can get all of this for just $199.95. People, it’s a stuffed dog. Can we please make some sort of link to reality?

What I’d really like to know is how Bradford Editions stays in business. Do that many people really want a Bill the Little Eel? Who, apart from looking distinctly "special", looks remarkably like Luke the Little Rabbitoh, but in a different jersey?

(That's Luke on the right, by the way.)

And what is the market like for a Footprints in the Sand pendant? The thong also tried to take over my whole blog, so once again, you'll have to click. It's so tasteful: a fake diamond-encrusted thong, engraved with the lovely little epithet: "When you have seen only one set of footprints is when I have carried you." Presumably, I carried you in my thongs, but don't let that ruin the romance.

Or what about a complete set of Spirit of the Butterfly Dance ornaments?

Those butterfly dance ornaments really bother me. Why would Native American girls be wearing Tiffany wings? Why?

It’s just all too sad. As one of my mates says to me at least once a day, “What’s wrong with people?”

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At 12:10 pm, September 19, 2006, Blogger audrey said...

I hear you sister.

*trots off to order her tribute to The Brock*


At 12:27 pm, September 20, 2006, Blogger Steph said...

What? They haven't created a tribute to Steve Irwin yet? Slackers.

At 9:58 pm, September 20, 2006, Blogger PetStarr said...

oh dear. That reminds me, I got a lovely set of junk mail offers just like this in my letterbox the other day... *shuffles off to steal the idea and blog it herself*


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