Sunday, November 09, 2008

Welcome to Dadelaide

Remember when you were 14 and hated the world and your dad would wander through the living room wearing his cardigan with the leather buttons while you had friends over and were listening to music? And he’d try to be cool by making a dad joke or saying, “How about that Madonna, eh? Doesn’t wear very much, does she?” And then you’d notice he had a bit of Vegemite on his chin?

Well, Adelaide is your dad when you were 14.

There’s a new trend. Any event organiser worth his piss-and-party-pies at the work Christmas do is stuck on world record attempts. Last year, there was the attempt at the world’s biggest guitar band at the hugely underwhelming Adelaide International Guitar Festival. It failed dismally, but they refused to be deterred and decided to give it another good Aussie go at this year’s festival. They’ll fail again, of course, unless they bus people in from sheltered workshops all over the state.

Then there was yesterday’s stab at creating the world’s biggest and longest Mexican wave before the Christmas Pageant. Captive audience, you’d think, as people waited for Father Christmas and dumpy little fat chicks dressed as clowns to pass by. Epic fail. They tried twice and couldn’t get past the halfway mark. No one took into account the complete apathy of the local populace.

A week ago, a little town in Peru decided it was going to break a world record by hook or by crook, so it made the world’s biggest pair of jeans. I don’t know what bastard is going to wear 114-foot-tall denims (“Hi, can I get these taken up please? They’re a little long.”), but that’s beside the point. Now Lima gets to be home to the world’s biggest blue jeans and the previous record holders in Medellin, Colombia can sit around plotting revenge and drinking rum while they wonder what to do with their 113 foot jeans.

Sure, it’s a record. But it’s still pants.

Really, what were we going to do if we had broken the record? Change all the car number plates to “The Mexican wave state”? Erect a sign at the airport reading, “Welcome to Adelaide, holder of the world record for biggest Mexican wave?” It’s all so Dogpatch, USA. What do you do when you have no other claim to fame? Why you set a world record, of course. No point in going for anything that requires talent, of course, like eating 300 hotdogs in two minutes, and bona fide freaks are in huge demand, especially in India. And Lima has the biggest jeans, so that’s out. Ooh, I know! A mass participation record will make us sooooo cool. Madonna cool.

By the way, did you know you had Vegemite on your chin? Just there under your lip. Big smear.



At 8:35 pm, November 09, 2008, Blogger ashleigh said...

Welcome back!

Yers indeed, its all a bit cringeworthy. Why does this come as no surprise?

At 2:53 pm, November 10, 2008, Blogger Kath Lockett said...

Hear hear. Being a Murray Bridge gal, the town had,for a wee while, the 'World's Smallest Cathedral'.

I thought that the wave must have been a dud because there was no mention of it in the Sunday Fail. It seems to be a case of Small town-itis - either get into the Guinness Book of World Records or call you town/city/train stop a
'Gateway to....' This really means a 'Gateway to a much nicer and more interesting place that isn't here.'

Oh and our real estate agent rocked up on Saturday for the open inspection with a huge smear of red lippy on her chin. I *did* tell her because I didn't want any potential buyers to think that they were listening to a woman who'd applied her make up during an earth tremor.

Welcome back Red!

At 9:19 pm, November 11, 2008, Blogger I'm not Craig said...

Oh great, now I have to visit Peru.

And explain to my kids why we had to fly half way around the world to see some pants.

At 2:05 pm, November 12, 2008, Blogger eleanor bloom said...

This is not at all encouraging me to leave the excitement of Perth *yawn* for dear Adelaide. However, I will be flying through in a couple of months for a short 2 hour stopover.
As I am flying Qantas (!) there is great potential for some major excitement.

At 3:40 pm, November 13, 2008, Blogger River said...

Perhaps we could hold the world's record for the highest number of failed attempts?

Kath - I was married in the "World's Smallest Cathedral". I heard it was pulled down quite some time ago.

At 5:02 pm, November 13, 2008, Blogger redcap said...

ashleigh, why thankee sir :) Because Adelaide thinks it was born to be wild, but is really just a mild thing?

kath, yarp. Dogpatch, Illinois, here we come. Good move with the realtor, too. (How can you not notice you have lippy on your chin? Gravy, maybe. Lippy, no. She should have used a mirror!)

inc, oh come on. The kids will think it's pants too. They'll love it. Just like the Big Banana except even a bit crapper.

eleanor, there are some nice things, really. Most of them involve wine and food though...

river, I don't think we'd even win that. Holy Ford, what is that rolling down that hill and about to crush me?! Mediocrity! Noooooooo!

At 9:41 pm, December 02, 2008, Blogger The Man at the Pub said...

Adelaide has a guitar festival? It's good to hear you can get vegemite there now.

At 7:22 pm, December 05, 2008, Blogger ali g said...

When I was 14 my dad bought an 8 valve 3 speaker hi-fi radiogram that had a Garrard 3 speed record player which was good except he said 'That Elvis Presley.. dont want that rubbish played on that hi-fi he is disgusting the way he wriggles his body like that so nothing really changes does it. Bought my kids players and told them Elvis was good but that Madonna slag was gross so didn't want to hear her ..
Bit like Adelaide is Madonna ..everyone knows about but who cares and who wants to go there ghastly woman and dam I've got vegemite under my chin too...old age creeps on
nice to see you back again Red

At 9:12 am, December 07, 2008, Blogger Kath Lockett said...

Hey there Redcap,

Keep typing please - we want more than an article every four months, kay?

At 1:24 pm, December 26, 2008, Blogger Miles McClagan said...

Last time I was in Adelaide, the whole mall came to a shuddering halt because Chris Brown was buying trainers in foot Locker...

That was a world record for most screams in a foot locker

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