Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Greetings from Randomland

Yesterday morning, two women stopped at the base of an empty escalator, blocking the way.
"Excuse me," I said, politely.
They both turned and looked at me as though I'd spat on them.
"Could I get past, please?" Politely, again.
They mustered up some more outrage, but moved as little as possible. I slipped past and climbed the escalator. When I got to the top, I heard one shout, "You kno-owww, there are STAIRS if you want to WALK!"

***

On the train home, an eight-year-old boy restored my faith in humanity by running up and down the carriage, chanting, "Snot-snot-snot-snot-snot-snot-snot-snot-snot-snot".

****

Tonight, after leaving a civilised booze-up that was showing signs of turning messy, a guy approached me in the street.
"I had Portuguese chicken!" he said with a grin like an old sneaker.
"Well, that's just great."
"It was so good! It was Portuguese!"
"Fantastic, mate. Glad you enjoyed it."
"And spice-eeeee!"

****

And it's only Tuesday.

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28 Comments:

At 6:19 am, April 09, 2008, Blogger tea and crisps said...

I love your Portuguese chicken guy. Sounds similar to a guy that approached me last week desperately wanting me to know he was the second best breakdancer in the world.

 
At 9:43 am, April 09, 2008, Blogger Lonie Polony said...

Those escalator people are everywhere. They also refuse to move out of the way when I'm wrangling three small children and a heavy, unwieldy trolley. Fools.

 
At 2:35 pm, April 09, 2008, Blogger Kath Lockett said...

You know what's happening, don't you, Redcap? My Weirdo-Magnet powers have inexplicably been transferred to you. Peace for me and social misery for you. Mwah hah hah hah .... Oh hang on - unless *I'm* the weirdo??

 
At 6:48 pm, April 09, 2008, Blogger gigglewick said...

But what happens next?

It's only a matter of time before one of those human sandwich-board types accosts you and asks for your phone number/hand in marriage.

 
At 6:27 pm, April 10, 2008, Blogger eleanor bloom said...

No. Things go in threes. You should be right now.

And the 'old sneaker' simile... Love it!

 
At 9:14 pm, April 10, 2008, Anonymous MikeFitz said...

Now I'm wondering if the eight-year-old boy's sister was running up and down the next carriage, chanting, "'Tis-'tis-'tis-'tis-'tis-'tis-'tis". - thereby cancelling one of your three weird events.

 
At 8:36 am, April 11, 2008, Blogger Ariel said...

You're back! Yay!

Love these.

And I've been suppressing my rage at these escalator people all week. Comeback? 'If you want to stand still, there are ELEVATORS for that!' Or 'WHy do you have feet?'

Isn't there an unspoken law that there are two lanes on every escalator - the still and the moving? If not, there should be.

 
At 11:49 am, April 11, 2008, Blogger PetStarr said...

The best collection of three random things I've read in weeks.

 
At 9:25 pm, April 13, 2008, OpenID bitchtasm said...

I hate people who block escalators. If some bitch had a go at me about that I'd snap back about her that I'm in a rush and moving stairs are faster.

Or tell her to stop being such a lazy fucker and maybe take the stairs (eyeing her up and down as I said so!)

 
At 11:26 am, April 20, 2008, Blogger Ms Smack said...

hahahaha i love these random encounters!

 
At 1:39 pm, April 23, 2008, Blogger Nai said...

I love it when someone gets a little confused and randomly stops in the middle of the path at the local Westfield causing people behind her (it is nearly always a woman) to scatter and fall in her wake. Ma says it's an age thing and we had a quiet giggle when we realised that my Grandma does it. That was 10 years ago and now my sister and I have shared a giggle because Ma has started doing it. I'm the oldest sister, looks like it's my turn next. Humph.
And yay for SnotBoy!

 
At 3:14 pm, April 24, 2008, Blogger raoul duke said...

Heehehehe. mmmm portugese chicken. mmmm snot

 
At 11:14 pm, April 24, 2008, Blogger redcap said...

tea and crisps, I'm betting they were related.

lonie, where's Mr T in his tank when you need him?!

kath, no love, I've always been a freak magnet. I used to attract weirdos on trains like fricken blowies on fly paper. Seem to have lost that disability recently, though, thank St Chocolate.

gw, that would be entertaining. No-one's asked for my hand in marriage in many a long year. Though there was that Elvis impersonator who appeared to be heart-broken when he realised I wouldn't be visiting his hotel room...

eleanor, I think you're right. Nothing even mildly entertaining has happened to me in the past fortnight. Unless you count watching a television newsreader bang on about her boobs all night when she was supposed to be hosting an awards night.

mike, no, no such luck. I thought of that straight away.

ariel, I don't understand either. In Japan, someone would take out a samurai sword, chop 'em off at the ankles AND tell them they were rude beyond redemption. What's the matter with people?!

pet, yeah, yeah - you haven't read any other collections of three random things in weeks, have you?

bitchtasm, I'm not good at confrontation. Remind me to tell you some time about the appalling woman who made my life hell on the plane on the way home from South Africa. Let's just say, if I could wish her dead now, I would.

ms smack, randomness is the spice of life!

raoul, having eaten Nando's once or twice, I suspect the two are not mutually exclusive :P

 
At 10:09 am, April 30, 2008, Blogger Hungry Hungry Hypocrite said...

Wow, nice list, and very random. I can lend you some randomosity if you'd like. Yesterday, getting the bus to work, it was tre packed and a toothless homeless dude turned to me and said "You know, I think Australia as a society is becoming lazier and lazier by the day."

Pot to kettle: "Nigger!"

 
At 2:47 pm, April 30, 2008, Blogger PetStarr said...

mmm portuguese chicken, I could do with some of that right about now.

PS: Write something new, you lazy tart!

 
At 8:53 pm, May 11, 2008, Blogger Ariel said...

Yes, you lazy tart, come back!

 
At 10:13 am, May 15, 2008, Blogger ali g said...

does your absence mean that you have eloped with chicken man?
If so think 5 weeks is enough so if you come back and do more funny stuff all shall be forgiven.

 
At 1:20 pm, May 18, 2008, Blogger redcap said...

Sorry dears. Nothing of interest to write about and I don't want to bore you all :)

 
At 7:13 am, May 24, 2008, Blogger ali g said...

Scuttled over here after seeing your comments on TP's blog thinking maybe she's dumped chicken man at long last and come back. ...still nothing....

 
At 10:08 am, May 24, 2008, Blogger redcap said...

ali, I lack inspiration, I'm afraid :(

 
At 3:14 pm, June 07, 2008, Blogger Ariel said...

Tag! For 'facts about me' meme.

So ... now you have something to blog about. Ha.

 
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