Thursday, September 21, 2006

Leggings for the legless

I spent 10 minutes loitering in Rundle Mall at lunchtime today. I never fail to be bemused by watching my fellow humans.

For example, have you ever noticed that some days you see a lot of people with no legs? Obviously by "a lot", I mean "two or more", since most days you don't see anyone with no legs. Is the increase caused by one of those nasty diseases the cigarette packets keep banging on about? (Speaking of which, is it only me, or do the gangrenous toe and the cancerous mouth make other people feel ill? I'm not usually of such weak constitution, but I can't stand to have a pus-adorned ciggie box on the table at a cafe when I'm eating. And I don't even smoke! The clogged artery doesn't bother me, but the asthmatic child is my favourite - she just looks slightly tragic and consumptive a la Emily Dickinson. Actually, can't you see freaky little kids trading the packet tops like football cards? "I'll give you a festy toe for a manky mouth." "Nah, I've got four festy toes already. Don't you have a bloody eye?" But, yet again, I digress.)

Back on topic, what about guys wearing hair bands? I know it's a bit gender-Nazi, but that one bugs me. Today I saw a guy wearing a stretchy black hairband, similar to one I used to own in the late '80s. He was of beautifully exotic complexion and very nattily turned out in a suit, but there it was: a hairband holding back a luxuriant 'fro and ruining the whole effect. Metro really has gone too far. Please, Ford, don't let the boys start wearing Alice bands! I will not be able to cope. Watching cinch belts, leggings and bubble skirts come back into style has been traumatic enough. Next it will be fluro socks, Choose Life T-shirts, lace gloves and legwarmers. For boys.

Speaking of horror couture, there were, as always, fashion victims aplenty in the Mall today. More like fashion roadkill, really. I probably should preface this torrent of abuse by admitting that I have zero fashion sense and no idea of how to look edgy and cool. After all, I did get trapped in a dress not so long ago. I can match black with black, add some funky earrings and that's about as far as it goes. I really only like wearing jeans, boots of varying lengths and black stuff.

Anyway, despite me being a fashtard myself, I still have enough:
  • sense to know what not to wear (hopefully);
  • sense to know that frou frou always looks crap; and
  • arse to say that chicks who make questionable clothing choices deserve what what one of my mates refers to as a fashion crash tackle.

Don't like the look of that dress worn with jeans? Think a white balloon skirt with a heavy leather belt, knee-high fishnets and gold pumps is just a bit beyond the pale? Reckon those pink ugg boots look crap with a skimpy summer frock? Can't stand this whole trend for formal shorts? If you're still not sure what I'm talking about, visit the Fug Girls for some celebrity examples. If, on the other hand, you know exactly what I mean, see it every day and are duly horrified, then you too can be an honorary member of the Fashion STAR Force. It's great being a Fashion Starrie. You get a little silver star for your handbag and everything. Now you've got the badge, it's your duty to take out fashion offenders with a flying pounce, much like what Hobbes does to Calvin when he's not looking.

But sorry - you're not allowed to crash tackle the legless, even if they are male and wearing hair bands. Come on, it's just not nice.

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At 2:34 pm, September 22, 2006, Blogger PetStarr said...

I'm with ya on this one, redcap, except I have to say - I'm a bit of a fan of the dress worn with jeans thing. I know, I know, the fug girls have told us all it's a fashion crime, but I can't help myself. I like it.

So boo sucks!

At 2:34 pm, September 22, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Three cheers for the Crash Tackle! Hehe - great post! :)

At 6:17 pm, September 22, 2006, Blogger audrey said...

You know, I think the disease trading card game might just catch on...

Fashion trend that is baddest bad the most:

Fucking waistbelts of any description RANDOMLY assembled as a form of structural lumber support. Why do they need these things? Can you explain? If spazgirl told girls it was 'so hot right now' to wear sideways baseball caps they would - and that shit only looks good on cute japanese teenagers.

Although, tell me where to buy a Life: Be In It tee shirt and I'm there.

At 9:31 pm, September 22, 2006, Blogger redcap said...

Miss Pet: That's just because you're an indecisive Libran, isn't it? "Hmm, what shall I wear today? Jeans or a dress? But they're both so good and they both look so hot!" I love Librans :)

Audrey: Those belts are just wrong, aren't they? Who gets up in the morning and says, "I'm going to put on a Kate Bush-worthy gauzy frock and look tragic and ethereal, BUT I'm going to accessorise with something that could either be a piece of horse tackle or part of a gimp suit"?(But if there were Choose Life t-shirts on sale, you're right: I'd probably be queueing for one too.)

At 11:22 pm, September 22, 2006, Blogger Steph said...

I'm with Audrey, those belts up around jubblies are my current fashion fucking-just-DON'T!!

I love sitting in The Domain in Sydney and picking on the fashion victims. There is a plethora to choose from. Fact.


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