Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Daughter of SBG Redux

I've just demolished a bowl of vanilla ice-cream with caramel topping and I'm all sugared up and ready to take on Part II: the ickle durls. (Anyone still interested? First visit? Read yesterday's to find out what's going on. I'll wait until you get back.)

I thnk the girls' names may actually be worse than the boys' names. This is because you can make a girl's name from string and cardboard if you just put "a", "ana" or "elle" on the end. I shouldn't say that. It could give people ideas. "Stringana, darling, come here!" There are also more girls' names than boys' names: 2219 compared to 1743. I don't think there were that many more girls born than boys - it's just there are more lovely, unique names, mainly due to creative spelling.

As I mentioned last post, SBG names fall into several categories. You have the usual crimes against spelling, the "Ford-damn, you just made that crap up!", the hyphenated horrors and the ghetto names, but there are two that the boys don't have: the "ooh, darl, this'll sound classy" name and the stripper name. These two are my favourites, to tell the truth, though I do enjoy the names with random apostrophes running around all over the place like Paris Hilton.

That's just plain old wrong. I don't care if you want to be different. Go away and write it out 100 times.
Aleyna, Alizah, Amahli, Ameleiyah, Arnya, Caicee, Calleigh, Charlieze, Cortni, Donay, Eleasha, Febe, Hydi, Indyanna, Izzabella, Jazmaine, Kenede (yes, that's supposed to be Kennedy), Kayc, Keearah, Kyealea, Lateisha, Madasyn, Maddelen, Matildah, Myher, Murissa, Porscha, Rhyleagh, Summah.

Hyphenation/apostrophes gone mad
Aale'yah, Angelina-Boromey, Bre'anna, Char-Lee, Chey'Li, Emma'Lee, Eva'Rose, Halia-Rose, Isabella-Maddison, Isabella-Pauli, J'Larni, Jada-Jasmine, Jha-Zeil, K-Lee, Kai-Leigh, Layla'Raye, Ma'kaya-Lorraine, Raffi-Elle, Ruby-Anais, She-Ro, Skyler-Raine, Te-Arna, Teiria-Teaomanga.

Classy, darl, classy!
Acacia, Brielle, Chanel, Dariaux, Dior, Giverny, Lior, Monet, Revelle, Sable, Shardae, Teneille.

These are just ordinary old nouns and adjectives, people, not names
Clemency, Experience, Harmony, Patience, Serenity, Serene.

Destined to be a pole dancer
Akaidia, Amethyst, Angelle, Ashanti, Avalon, Bijou, Blayze, Bibi, Buffy, Chayse, Coco, Delilah, Dusty, Emerald, Flaire, Fayre, Gigi, Ginger, Gypsie, Hasti, Isis, Jazzelle, Jewel, Kismet, Lacey, Lelou, Loralai, Lotus, Loulou, Magnolia, Marigold, Mischka, Myky, Ocean, Opal, Pepper, Raven, River, Saffron, Sapphire, Sequoya, Star, Storm, Sunset, Tiger-Lily, Trinity, Wednesday, Velvet, Willow, Winter.

Another child is born in the ghettoooo...
Aashka, Aiyanah, Aliandra, Aliqua, Ayette, Briayshia, Chantae, Charnae, Chernille, Isheekeba, Jakira, Janaya, Kaniesha, Kanye, Kasharna, Katayah, Keshani, Kennocha, Kyesha, Lakeesha, Lashawna, Letaya, Nakeisha, Nasheeta, Natikah, Quinaiha, Qwynisha, Rachita, Rakeisha, (uh oh - we've hit the "sh" names and there's an arselolad of 'em) Shailea, Shaimsha, Shakaye, Shakota, Shakiya, Shanara, Shanaya, Shanee, Shaniqua, Shanrell, Shanze, Shaquanah, Sharanya, Sharndel, Shaykel, Shebella, Sherkia, Shianne, Shomiquah, Shontai, Sonaeya, T'nae, Ta'Shay, Taleeyah, Taleika, Taneisha, Tashara, Tanaya, Tiarnah, Tilyaana, Tkiah, Tleya, Tnisha, Trizarna.

It's not quite ghetto, but it's not quite right either. Probably made-up.
Annecy, Anyana, Arstarsia, Avantika, Azarita, Billyana, Braelyn, Casanne, Chalina, Dashiella, Deniessa, Dellen, Elleanah, Jalanie, Jordis, Kaiason, Kimly, Mairead, Mythany, Rayenne, Talise, Yazlyn.

Atlas names
Asia, Brooklyne, Calais, Chyna, Ciera, Elba, Illyria, Jersey, Manasi, Montahhareh, Oceania, Paris, Shiloh, Tarlee,

And, of course, the ones that need special jeering:

Alaska "It's so cold, in Alaska/When she takes speed/They laugh and ask her/What is in her mind." Thank you, Mr Lou Reed.
Alektra Go ask your dad how to spell your name properly.
Ambreen Christ, that's ugly! It sounds like fingernails on a blackboard.
Anastasia-Angle I know "Angel" is hard to spell sometimes. I know. It's like forgetting to put the L in public. But really, I think you should have tried a bit harder for your daughter's birth certificate.
Azaria Registry worker: "Excuse me, madam! I'm sorry, you can't use this name. We had far too much trouble with it last time. Pick another one. What about Caterina? I like Caterina."
Bligh Right. Captain who lost his ship to mutineers, reasonably foul-tempered Governor of NSW. Perfect name for a little girl!
Capri Capri pants = crap. Ford Capri = crap. Notice a trend here? If you rearrange the letters, it even spells CRAPI.
Chai This is really one of her middle names. Her first names are Spiced Soy. Her surname is Latte. Her parents are mad.
Chardennay Whoa. I know this name became quite popular in the UK after the first season of Footballers' Wives, but I thought everyone had forgotten about it now. This one always makes me think of the drag queen in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.
Chippy Pauline Hanson's granddaughter.
Coeli I can't wait until this kid has to do biology and the class is learning about that nasty, icky poo bug, E. coli.
Creina A particularly foul skin disease that causes carbuncles and peeling.
Dahli Since there's been a bit of a rash of people naming their kids after artists (see Monet above), I would like to think this child was named for that mad mostachioed master of the dripping clock. Otherwise, the options are (a) it's short for "darling" or (b) it's Foreign. Just in case it's the latter, I'll shut up now.
Destanee Oh, whacko. That one's pole dancing gold. She'll probably take "Susan" as her stage name though.
Demi-Tina What? Only half a Tina? Which half did they get?
Dorcus I know this is an old Celticky sort of name, but it's just too cruel to use now.
Emjay This is not a name. This is some initials that you just spelled out. Go away and think harder.
Ember Oh, right, like Amber, but, um, a bit more like a hot coal? Right. Great idea. I love it. It's fantastic. Are you an arsonist?
Jamaika-Rose Creative spelling, check. Hyphen, check. Future pole dancer, check. Poor kid. Three strikes and yerrrrout.
Kakodah Please, please, let this not be some sort of bastardisation of Kokoda. The cringe is too great. I may not survive it.
Kwalah Is this one Foreign too? Because it looks suspiciously like the name a rogue drop-bear would give itself as it tied a red rag around his head and went on a gun-totin' rampage.
Kiden No, these parents seem to have been serious.
Makita Obviously dad would have preferred a bench saw.
Margherita She has a brother called Four Seasons and a sister called With-the-Lot-Hold-the-Anchovies. (Everyone calls her Lottie for short, though.)
Maybelline "Well, it was just so cute. The first thing she did was grab my lipstick. We thought of calling her 'Slutty Red Oil Slick', but we decided against it."
Mystique We all liked that Jackman boy in X-Men (especially when he was sans shirt) and we'd all like to have a cool mutation like being able to summon Haigh's chocolate by just thinking about it, but calling your daughter Mystique is taking things too far. She's going to end up a pole dancer. A blue one.
Rykiah The first baby in the world that can be put together with an alan key.
Taimania Small island off southern Australia where everyone is just crazy about noodles topped with crushed peanuts.
Tannisen Pommy guy. Poet. Dead. Wrote "The Charge of the Light Brigade" and "The Lady of the Shallott", yeah?
Tennent Probably related to Merchant from the boys' list.
Tonique The only tonique I'm interested in is the watery sort, in a glass with my vodka. And even then, I'd prefer soda.
Zinfandel Dunno about you, but I'd love to be named after a shitty white wine. I suppose they could have called her UDL, though, so she should be thankful.

But there can be only one, as Sean Connery said when he was wearing that natty red velvet suit and dishy hat in Highlander. And here it is. The Shallow Bush Grave Name of 2006 (drum roll, etc., etc.)

Spiral-Moon Wow. I really am in awe.

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31 Comments:

At 6:12 am, January 11, 2007, Blogger jedimerc said...

I'm in awe too... mostly in your ability to a) stomach this stuff and b) research enough of it to put it in your blog :)

 
At 9:30 am, January 11, 2007, Anonymous MikeFitz said...

Another link to my favourite cartoon on SBG names.

Jon at PantsOfDeath.com discovered this trend three years ago.

 
At 9:37 am, January 11, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Well, Jedi, I'm now very, very tired. But that could be the Hep A and B vaccinations I'm getting...

Mike, ah, now I can see it! Ha :) The problem started in the US and has spread here. It's become a pandemic.

 
At 9:57 am, January 11, 2007, Blogger Rach said...

*snicker*

a friend of mine just had a baby and its name is: QUOTE

"Aydan with a Y"

imagine that in the future

"i'm aydan with a y, i'll take my steak with a salad, and i like my women senstive with a degree in french literature"

pffft any name that comes with its own sentence is bad.

 
At 10:01 am, January 11, 2007, Blogger Lonie Polony said...

SBG could also stand for Squalid Balinese Gaol.

P.S. Just remembered seeing some time ago in the birth notices a boy with the middle name Danger. C'mon ladies, would you be impressed if some tool sidled up to you and smirked, "Danger is my middle name!" Would you??

 
At 11:56 am, January 11, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Rach, ha! It makes soooo much difference to the name, if you spell it with a Y.

Lonie, nice one! Schapelle is very SBG. As for the boy who's middle name is Danger, I'd probably pay that. Now it's just a matter of whether the parents did it with a sense of humour or because they thought it was a really, really cool name.

 
At 1:08 pm, January 11, 2007, Anonymous MikeFitz said...

Lonie: SBG = "Squalid Balinese Gaol". Love it!

A very good friend has two daughters who went to the same school as our sons. We know the whole family *really* well. One of the daughters was the victim of a violent home invasion committed by Schapelle's younger brother. This is the brother who was on the same flight into Bali with Schapelle on that fateful day.

The reason that whole affair stinks is because there IS something rotten at the core.

 
At 4:50 pm, January 11, 2007, Blogger Jo said...

People I know have recently called their new son Banjo.
Banjo was born with an extra finger, which he had removed.
I thought it might be useful for a boy named Banjo to have an extra finger, as it would come in handy to:
a) play the banjo; and
b) make gestures at all the thousands of people who will certainly make fun of his name.

 
At 7:10 pm, January 11, 2007, Blogger Steph said...

Deplorable!!! The names not the post. The post is outstanding. I'm in awe of the effort you put in to entertain us.

I love the Ghetto names. I intend to get a cat one day and I'll be back to this post to pick a name. No mutha will mess with my pussy!!

 
At 8:03 pm, January 11, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Mike, well, I never really did care for Schapelle. Everyone said I was mean for not giving a rat's rear whether she was convicted or not. I still think she's a whiny pain in the arse. She should have pulled the old head scarf trick like Michelle Leslie.

Jo, ooh, that's cruel. Six fingers and a name like Banjo. I should point out that I'm really rather fond of Banjo Patterson, but that was his pen name, people. Pen name! And Banjo is a fantastic name for a dog.

Steph, I have to admit, it was tiring. But someone had to do the jeering ;) Just make up a ghetto name for your pussy. (he he he - pussy!) All you need is a "sh" or two, a "la", "ta" or "da" and an "a" on the end and you can pretty much pick anything you like to put in between. Extra points for "qw" combinations.

 
At 8:31 pm, January 11, 2007, Anonymous ashleigh said...

Oh dear. I read back through the earlier posts. I like the "feel like a dick" test.

I *think* that Spike for the new cat passes the dick test, just. I do feel a bit silly trying to call him - but thats got a lot to do with him being young and stupid and taking a long time mooching around when we call him in.

The old cat was TED, now that passed the dick test with flying colours.

HOWEVER, it does get worse.

We called the previous cat Ted, because #1 son aged about 3 decided that the cat should be called "Tip Truck Driver". Now that fails the dick test, miserably. We all agreed that Ted was a suitable abbreviation, and the true origins of the name became lost in the mists of time. Thankfully.

Oh, and Zinfandel is a grape that makes a red wine, not a white (apart perhaps from some shitty cheap Oz crap. But a good Zin is hard to make because the grapes don't ripen evenly, and they have thin skins and spit easily. The Californians make some very good Zinfandel reds. However, perhaps the character of the grape is a warning for the likely character of the child!!)

 
At 9:43 pm, January 11, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Ashleigh, oops, showing my lack of wine smarts there. If it's sauvignon blanc or reisling, I'll drink it. If it's chardonnay, it can bugger off. I thought I was safe in thinking that "white zinfandel" was white, but Google tells me it's actually a rose. Sigh. I guess I stepped in a big pile of stupid sometime this week ;)

Oh, and Spike is a great name for a cat. It's also a fine nickname for a comedic genius or a blond vampire, but it should never, ever be seen on a birth certificate.

 
At 9:55 pm, January 11, 2007, Blogger meva said...

I think that most of those names will grow up to be, or want to be, Big Brother contestants.

Klahssay. I just made that up, but it's good, eh?

 
At 8:30 am, January 12, 2007, Blogger gigglewick said...

Calcee sounds like some kind of boat-crust.

One of my dad's favourite things to do (warning: dad joke ahead) is to go up to guys called Ted and say,

"You know what Ted is short for?"

Ted: "...."

"Shithead!"

He did this to my school principal once. Luckily they were mates. Using that one on Ted Baillieu has been a missed opportunity before now though. Hmmmmm.

 
At 10:04 am, January 12, 2007, Blogger killerrabbit said...

Where do you get all these crazy names from Red? Do you have a secret source?

What is your opinion on people who change their names by deed poll to hippy type names when they reach their early twenties. I know not one but two girls who went to uni with me who are now known as Star and Angel from Nicole and Kirsten! I find it a little strange as I refused to change my name when I got married because then I wouldn't know who I was anymore. I'm easily confused you see.

Phew that was a long comment - sorry.

 
At 11:10 am, January 12, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Meva, pole dancers, the lot of them. I do like Klahssay, though!

Gigglewick, I like dad jokes, and as they go, that one's pretty good :) And yes, Calcee does sound like boat crust. Ick.

KR, it's not a very secret source - the local Office of Births, Deaths and Marriages. Have a look at the full horror, if you can stomach it. Changing your name by deed poll to Star or Angel isn't a great look, but when all these kids want to be taken seriously and start changing their names to Mary, Ellen and Jane, I'll be right behind them!

 
At 12:37 pm, January 12, 2007, Anonymous Teddy said...

I really wanted to agree with you and have done so for years but I started to think-----isnt this just creativity and isnt it better than the "William Williams, John Johnson, Neil Neilsen, David David, Matthew Matthews" creations of cruel parents------
So we have finally got away from the Biblicals---Matthew, Mark Luke and the calendar girls of April, May and June and dont want to name every little girl after her Grandmothers sister just to make sure that your in the will---what is the big deal----
Should we have gone to other famous groups first and had Sneezy Dopey and Doc or dashed of to the deep south of the USA and tried a few Bubbas or Bobby-Joes or taken on that other wonderfull tradition of being John the second, third, fourth or fifth.
And it is better than the northern suburbs mother naming all of her children Danny because they can be separated by surname.
So those who can, be creative and those who cant, buy the little book and find out how popular your child will be with the old standard in the top ten list

Geez, they even name them after States

 
At 12:48 pm, January 12, 2007, Blogger Ms Smack said...

What would you name your children?

I named my daughter after the girl that introduced, my daughters' father and I many eons ago. She was later killed in a car accident and we thought 'when we have a girl, we'll honour her memory in this way'

Carissa is her name, I believe it means 'little one' and while its not overtly common, its also not as wacky as some of the names you've featured today.

I would never ever, call my child Northern Territory, Queensland, in line with the USA states. Seems Aussies have been influenced by the Americans in more than one way eh?

 
At 1:10 pm, January 12, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Ted, I'd rather have William than Apostle-Paul or Tashawn. I mean, what if he grew up to be Prime Minister? But everyone is entitled to their opinion. I just reserve the right to mock them :)

Ms S, I'd probably choose something like Nick or Jack for a boy or Nina or Holly for a girl. Though I do quite like names like Riley and Finn. And Carissa is a lovely name - very obviously not made-up or misspelled to pieces.

 
At 3:44 pm, January 12, 2007, Blogger audrey said...

"It's Christmas in J'Larni, with all of the folk from home..."

 
At 9:52 pm, January 12, 2007, Anonymous MikeFitz said...

Hey KillerRabbit! Actually, I have a niece who changed her name by deed poll to "Starr" (from Maria), 15 years ago. I have to admit, though, it suits, and may even have helped shape her career.

For a decade she was a struggling artist but in recent years has started doing well. The self-portrait on her website is a fairly good likeness. Even though we celebrated her 30th birthday "a few years ago", she still gets asked for ID when she goes to pubs and discos. Did I mention she was a starving artist for a decade?

 
At 11:01 pm, January 14, 2007, Blogger Aurelius said...

In some countries (I think France is one), to register a name, it has to have a recognised spelling.
I think we should have such a rule.

 
At 4:11 pm, January 15, 2007, Blogger susanna said...

very thorough job redcap, and very amusing.

another favourite of mine is 'candida' - seems to be a favourite of english toffs. don't they realise it's associated with poorly-ventilated undies!?

 
At 8:33 pm, January 15, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Aurelius, all those in favour?

Susanna, why thankee, ma'am. Candida is a good one, isn't it? But nobody likes poorly-ventilated knickers. No-one.

 
At 4:05 pm, January 16, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

I think you're safe from the SBG scourge, Acton :) I know you didn't make up Mahalia, because that's Jimmy Barnes's daughter's name, and the others are all traditional. Now if you'd called one of the Spiral-Moon...

 
At 4:20 pm, January 16, 2007, Blogger actonb said...

It is indeed, but I didn't know that until after I'd had Miss Mae. Because that would have been so... bogan (despite my abiding love for Chisel)

 
At 10:03 am, January 19, 2007, Blogger Mary Bennet said...

Redcap, What do you reckon about Jessica Rowe calling her sprog Allegra? It made me wince because it sounds like she wanted a boy to call Allegro. Will the next one be called Sonata?

But it is terribly easy to cast stones - I want to call my unborn child Julienne but the very sensible Mister pointed out we might as well call her Saute if we wanted people to think of vegetables.

 
At 12:26 pm, January 19, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Mary, she does lose points for being pretentious. Of course, the child will end up being called Allie soon enough, because everyone is bound to get sick of trilling, "Allehgrah!"

 
At 12:29 pm, January 01, 2009, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I decided to search for my daughters name online as it is quite unique name, and the name has personal meaning to my wife. this is the only site in the world that mentions it and because you happen to be from adelaide and have the name Kyealea on your blog I guess we probably know you.

It must be a sad existance to be 36 at the time of blogging this and finding enjoyment from being the first person to tease young children because of thier names. Be brave and send me your real name to holdensblow@yahoo.com.au

this crap is why I dont blog because its a safe place for pathetic people to show how brave they are while being completely Anonymous. Heres some advice get off the computer go out get a partner and live life or if you already have one get a new one because they are obviously not doing anything for you, you twisted bitter old pathetic bitch.

hope to hear from you soon
David (yes a real name!!)

 
At 9:00 am, January 07, 2009, Blogger redcap said...

Guess what, Dave old sport? You get your own post :)

 
At 10:53 am, January 15, 2009, Blogger ali g said...

his other brats names are probably Madoona and Ebony Jade

<^..^>

 

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