Daughter of SBG Redux
I've just demolished a bowl of vanilla ice-cream with caramel topping and I'm all sugared up and ready to take on Part II: the ickle durls. (Anyone still interested? First visit? Read yesterday's to find out what's going on. I'll wait until you get back.)
I thnk the girls' names may actually be worse than the boys' names. This is because you can make a girl's name from string and cardboard if you just put "a", "ana" or "elle" on the end. I shouldn't say that. It could give people ideas. "Stringana, darling, come here!" There are also more girls' names than boys' names: 2219 compared to 1743. I don't think there were that many more girls born than boys - it's just there are more lovely, unique names, mainly due to creative spelling.
As I mentioned last post, SBG names fall into several categories. You have the usual crimes against spelling, the "Ford-damn, you just made that crap up!", the hyphenated horrors and the ghetto names, but there are two that the boys don't have: the "ooh, darl, this'll sound classy" name and the stripper name. These two are my favourites, to tell the truth, though I do enjoy the names with random apostrophes running around all over the place like Paris Hilton.
That's just plain old wrong. I don't care if you want to be different. Go away and write it out 100 times.
Aleyna, Alizah, Amahli, Ameleiyah, Arnya, Caicee, Calleigh, Charlieze, Cortni, Donay, Eleasha, Febe, Hydi, Indyanna, Izzabella, Jazmaine, Kenede (yes, that's supposed to be Kennedy), Kayc, Keearah, Kyealea, Lateisha, Madasyn, Maddelen, Matildah, Myher, Murissa, Porscha, Rhyleagh, Summah.
Hyphenation/apostrophes gone mad
Aale'yah, Angelina-Boromey, Bre'anna, Char-Lee, Chey'Li, Emma'Lee, Eva'Rose, Halia-Rose, Isabella-Maddison, Isabella-Pauli, J'Larni, Jada-Jasmine, Jha-Zeil, K-Lee, Kai-Leigh, Layla'Raye, Ma'kaya-Lorraine, Raffi-Elle, Ruby-Anais, She-Ro, Skyler-Raine, Te-Arna, Teiria-Teaomanga.
Classy, darl, classy!
Acacia, Brielle, Chanel, Dariaux, Dior, Giverny, Lior, Monet, Revelle, Sable, Shardae, Teneille.
These are just ordinary old nouns and adjectives, people, not names
Clemency, Experience, Harmony, Patience, Serenity, Serene.
Destined to be a pole dancer
Akaidia, Amethyst, Angelle, Ashanti, Avalon, Bijou, Blayze, Bibi, Buffy, Chayse, Coco, Delilah, Dusty, Emerald, Flaire, Fayre, Gigi, Ginger, Gypsie, Hasti, Isis, Jazzelle, Jewel, Kismet, Lacey, Lelou, Loralai, Lotus, Loulou, Magnolia, Marigold, Mischka, Myky, Ocean, Opal, Pepper, Raven, River, Saffron, Sapphire, Sequoya, Star, Storm, Sunset, Tiger-Lily, Trinity, Wednesday, Velvet, Willow, Winter.
Another child is born in the ghettoooo...
Aashka, Aiyanah, Aliandra, Aliqua, Ayette, Briayshia, Chantae, Charnae, Chernille, Isheekeba, Jakira, Janaya, Kaniesha, Kanye, Kasharna, Katayah, Keshani, Kennocha, Kyesha, Lakeesha, Lashawna, Letaya, Nakeisha, Nasheeta, Natikah, Quinaiha, Qwynisha, Rachita, Rakeisha, (uh oh - we've hit the "sh" names and there's an arselolad of 'em) Shailea, Shaimsha, Shakaye, Shakota, Shakiya, Shanara, Shanaya, Shanee, Shaniqua, Shanrell, Shanze, Shaquanah, Sharanya, Sharndel, Shaykel, Shebella, Sherkia, Shianne, Shomiquah, Shontai, Sonaeya, T'nae, Ta'Shay, Taleeyah, Taleika, Taneisha, Tashara, Tanaya, Tiarnah, Tilyaana, Tkiah, Tleya, Tnisha, Trizarna.
It's not quite ghetto, but it's not quite right either. Probably made-up.
Annecy, Anyana, Arstarsia, Avantika, Azarita, Billyana, Braelyn, Casanne, Chalina, Dashiella, Deniessa, Dellen, Elleanah, Jalanie, Jordis, Kaiason, Kimly, Mairead, Mythany, Rayenne, Talise, Yazlyn.
Asia, Brooklyne, Calais, Chyna, Ciera, Elba, Illyria, Jersey, Manasi, Montahhareh, Oceania, Paris, Shiloh, Tarlee,
And, of course, the ones that need special jeering:
Alaska "It's so cold, in Alaska/When she takes speed/They laugh and ask her/What is in her mind." Thank you, Mr Lou Reed.
Alektra Go ask your dad how to spell your name properly.
Ambreen Christ, that's ugly! It sounds like fingernails on a blackboard.
Anastasia-Angle I know "Angel" is hard to spell sometimes. I know. It's like forgetting to put the L in public. But really, I think you should have tried a bit harder for your daughter's birth certificate.
Azaria Registry worker: "Excuse me, madam! I'm sorry, you can't use this name. We had far too much trouble with it last time. Pick another one. What about Caterina? I like Caterina."
Bligh Right. Captain who lost his ship to mutineers, reasonably foul-tempered Governor of NSW. Perfect name for a little girl!
Capri Capri pants = crap. Ford Capri = crap. Notice a trend here? If you rearrange the letters, it even spells CRAPI.
Chai This is really one of her middle names. Her first names are Spiced Soy. Her surname is Latte. Her parents are mad.
Chardennay Whoa. I know this name became quite popular in the UK after the first season of Footballers' Wives, but I thought everyone had forgotten about it now. This one always makes me think of the drag queen in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.
Chippy Pauline Hanson's granddaughter.
Coeli I can't wait until this kid has to do biology and the class is learning about that nasty, icky poo bug, E. coli.
Creina A particularly foul skin disease that causes carbuncles and peeling.
Dahli Since there's been a bit of a rash of people naming their kids after artists (see Monet above), I would like to think this child was named for that mad mostachioed master of the dripping clock. Otherwise, the options are (a) it's short for "darling" or (b) it's Foreign. Just in case it's the latter, I'll shut up now.
Destanee Oh, whacko. That one's pole dancing gold. She'll probably take "Susan" as her stage name though.
Demi-Tina What? Only half a Tina? Which half did they get?
Dorcus I know this is an old Celticky sort of name, but it's just too cruel to use now.
Emjay This is not a name. This is some initials that you just spelled out. Go away and think harder.
Ember Oh, right, like Amber, but, um, a bit more like a hot coal? Right. Great idea. I love it. It's fantastic. Are you an arsonist?
Jamaika-Rose Creative spelling, check. Hyphen, check. Future pole dancer, check. Poor kid. Three strikes and yerrrrout.
Kakodah Please, please, let this not be some sort of bastardisation of Kokoda. The cringe is too great. I may not survive it.
Kwalah Is this one Foreign too? Because it looks suspiciously like the name a rogue drop-bear would give itself as it tied a red rag around his head and went on a gun-totin' rampage.
Kiden No, these parents seem to have been serious.
Makita Obviously dad would have preferred a bench saw.
Margherita She has a brother called Four Seasons and a sister called With-the-Lot-Hold-the-Anchovies. (Everyone calls her Lottie for short, though.)
Maybelline "Well, it was just so cute. The first thing she did was grab my lipstick. We thought of calling her 'Slutty Red Oil Slick', but we decided against it."
Mystique We all liked that Jackman boy in X-Men (especially when he was sans shirt) and we'd all like to have a cool mutation like being able to summon Haigh's chocolate by just thinking about it, but calling your daughter Mystique is taking things too far. She's going to end up a pole dancer. A blue one.
Rykiah The first baby in the world that can be put together with an alan key.
Taimania Small island off southern Australia where everyone is just crazy about noodles topped with crushed peanuts.
Tannisen Pommy guy. Poet. Dead. Wrote "The Charge of the Light Brigade" and "The Lady of the Shallott", yeah?
Tennent Probably related to Merchant from the boys' list.
Tonique The only tonique I'm interested in is the watery sort, in a glass with my vodka. And even then, I'd prefer soda.
Zinfandel Dunno about you, but I'd love to be named after a shitty white wine. I suppose they could have called her UDL, though, so she should be thankful.
But there can be only one, as Sean Connery said when he was wearing that natty red velvet suit and dishy hat in Highlander. And here it is. The Shallow Bush Grave Name of 2006 (drum roll, etc., etc.)
Spiral-Moon Wow. I really am in awe.
Labels: sbg names