Tuesday, January 06, 2009

In which Red takes the piss out of a nitwit

A little while ago, I received this comment on an old post on shallow bush grave names.

“I decided to search for my daughters name online as it is quite unique name, and the name has personal meaning to my wife. this is the only site in the world that mentions it and because you happen to be from adelaide and have the name Kyealea on your blog I guess we probably know you.It must be a sad existance to be 36 at the time of blogging this and finding enjoyment from being the first person to tease young children because of thier names. Be brave and send me your real name to holdensblow@yahoo.com.au

this crap is why I dont blog because its a safe place for pathetic people to show how brave they are while being completely Anonymous. Heres some advice get off the computer go out get a partner and live life or if you already have one get a new one because they are obviously not doing anything for you, you twisted bitter old pathetic bitch.

hope to hear from you soon
David (yes a real name!!)”

Oh, Dave, Dave, Dave. Sweetie. Darling. Where can I even begin?

For a start, thank you for dropping by. It’s so nice to find a new person to offend. That’s the wonderful thing about old posts: they continue to piss people off for months and even years. Now, a few things:

(1) I do not know you. Promise.

(2) You seem to have missed the point. I feel sorry for children with appalling names. It’s actually you, their parents, that I’m having a good old Aussie go at. I’m guessing your daughter's name is probably pronounced just the same way as "Kylie", because let's face it, “Ky-a-lee-ah” would just be too Kath and Kim to contemplate. You also fail to understand that it makes no difference to me whether it has "personal meaning" to your wife. I don't care. My point is that your unique name is so unique that the poor kid will have to spell it for the rest of her life, every time she phones for a pizza, books a doctor's appointment or calls a taxi.

(3) As for emailing you with my real name, if you think that’s going to happen, you’re dumber than your email address. I mean, really. holdensblow@yahoo.com.au? Sorry to disappoint you, Dave, but you’re just going to have to look elsewhere for a pen pal. Try Bogans R Us. But in the meantime, if anyone would like to sign Dave up for some nasty German fetish porn, please feel free!

(4) I think the real reason you don’t blog is because you can neither punctuate nor spell. I'm pleased to see that you know the difference between "of" and "off", but I think you'll find it's "existence", not "existance". Basic literacy skills are usually required to write, despite what you may have seen on MySpaz.

(5) Thanks for your concern, but I have a man and a fun social life (that does not involve Ford motor vehicles in any way). Would you believe it, I even have friends? But guess what? I still have time left over for being a bitch. I guess I’m just multi-talented, me.

Love and kisses,

The Twisted, Bitter, Old, Pathetic Bitch
(See Dave? I understand the use of commas.)

PS I'd still like you to write out "Kylie" 100 times in chalk on the asphalt of the playground. Do let me know when you're done.

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At 10:34 pm, January 06, 2009, Blogger Robyn said...

Now when he googles his daughter's "quite unique" name, he'll find two mentions! When his daughter is grown up, she'll google her name and find her dad's horrible, aggro email.

But most of all, I love his advice to "get a partner". Righto, I'll just pop down to my local sports bar and see if I can pull, uh, I mean, form a meaningful relationship.

(P.S. Have I commented here before? I'm a fan.)

At 7:56 am, January 07, 2009, Blogger Kath Lockett said...

I wonder if you'll hear from him again, because it might take him a good couple of years to fully understand the meaning of your response.

Holdensblow? The irony is hilarious!

At 9:35 am, January 07, 2009, Blogger Hungry Hungry Hypocrite said...

Hitler's a unique name too doofus. I have a theory on how children should be named. Fair enough if you want to use your own spelling etc, but when you've come up with a name, place it in this sentence and see if you still want it.

"(special home made name here) you are hereby charged with ..."

If it rings a little too well, might pay to grab the eraser and start again.

At 12:15 pm, January 07, 2009, Blogger Mex said...

could there be a more perfect response? i hope to god that Dave "Holdens Blow" writes back again! woo!

At 7:21 pm, January 07, 2009, Blogger redcap said...

Robyn, hi! I have a fan? Yay you :) Dad was quite aggro, wasn't he? So many, many adjectives in his abuse!

Kath, I'm not sure whether we'll hear from that particular good ol' boy again. Here's hoping, eh?

HHH, "Kye-ah-lee-ah, you are hereby charged with having a no-humour grump for a dad. How do you plead?"

Mex, thanks ducks :)

At 7:49 pm, January 07, 2009, Anonymous Teddy said...

Oh, and the name means something--
Ah, Google genealogy / fucktard names.
Yes, yes, yes---it does mean something---
FATHER WHO WANKS WITH GLOVES ON---geez, how are ya gonna shorten that for a pet name--oh, yer--WANKA

At 3:27 pm, January 09, 2009, Blogger River said...

I got tired of constantly having to spell my names, first and last. not my parents fault as I was born in Germany, where my name is probably fairly common. However it seems Aussies couldn't get the hang of it and continually called me Elizabeth. Even when I spelled it AND wrote it down, they went with Elizabeth. since I shortened it I have much less trouble. I changed my last name (yes, legally, paperwork and all),thought I'd chosen something simple, darn it, still have to occasionally spell it.

At 8:39 pm, January 09, 2009, Blogger hazelblackberry said...

I, for one, am glad you're back. Glad? Nay; thrilled.

At 10:01 pm, January 09, 2009, Blogger phishez said...

I'd still like you to write out "Kylie" 100 times in chalk on the asphalt of the playground. Do let me know when you're done.

Really? I'd like him to then proceed to hit his head as hard as he can on said asphalt. Do you think it would make him any dumber?

At 8:11 pm, January 10, 2009, Blogger Scorpy said...

LOL...Red girl you are the real deal. LOL

At 10:56 am, January 12, 2009, Blogger killerrabbit said...

Ah I remember the shallow bush grave names that you used to collect. They were bloody hilarious, the memories.

As "Dave" is such an excellent speller I would assume that they were just trying for Kylie and got it wrong. Those post birth days are pretty tough. I admit I had a bit of trouble ticking the right boxes on the birth registration forms.

At 11:02 am, January 12, 2009, Blogger redcap said...

teddy, really? I think we'll have to consult the baby name encyclopedia...

River, I guess people are just dumb :) People have never been able to spell my name either, but now that there are "new" spellings, it's completely hopeless.

hazel, thank you :) I'm not sure I'm completely back, but I'll try to post a bit more regularly.

phish, that could get very, very messy.

scorpy, wow, the old gang really is all here! Thank you sir :)

killer, but I'm sure you did tick them all correctly. How is Little Rabbit?

At 10:35 am, January 15, 2009, Blogger ali g said...

whew... your pen is certainly mightier than any good ole Dave-boys sword . Gave me my best smile since your 'bum on the Torana window' bit.


At 8:50 pm, January 15, 2009, Anonymous Nicole said...

Thanks Red. you've taken the heat off me. was getting pissed off with everyone sniggering about my 'sunday roast' baby's name. Keith is also happy about it. Next one was going to be called 'steak 'n chips'but might now change it to Cheryll, Jayden or dickheaddave

At 11:16 pm, January 15, 2009, Anonymous MikeFitz said...

Ah, Red! You've still got it.

And thanks for Dave's e-mail address. I've just put him in touch with my newly-rich Nigerian friends.

At 9:54 am, January 17, 2009, Blogger The Blakkat said...

I had a particularly offensive bognised spelling of the name Brianna in my class last year - a SBG name even without a creative twist to the spelling of it. I wish I could type it here, but I'm afraid of being googled, Dave style, by them and it is a rather YOUKNEEK spelling. The fact that the child is a sociopath in her formative years is not so surprising.

Good to see you're in form again, Red. More please, whenever you're ready.

At 8:28 pm, January 21, 2009, Blogger Helen said...

So the name has a special meaning to her mother. yay her. The point is that she is the one who has to grow up with it, and her parents will have to handle an angry teenager after one too many jokes fly her way...

I mean if you REALLY want to name a child after something that you find meaningful (besides the fact that you have a child and therefore about 20 years of memories to build up and associate with an awful name...) then do the mature thing and use that as their second name. Then you can call him or her by said awful name (or just use it as a nickname) but leave them with the option of going by a normal name if they want to.

At 8:40 pm, January 21, 2009, Blogger redcap said...

ali, so pleased to see you again! How is everything, old sport?

Nicole, sweetie, I'm not as worried about Sunday Rose as I am of your overuse of botox. It can't be healthy. Don't you think it's time to start going to Botoxers Anonymous? I'm sure Andie MacDowell will go with you if you ask. Just a thought. Yay you for dumping that freako Tom, by way.

Ah, Mike, if there were a cereal named after you, it would be the breakfast of champions :)

blakkat, thanks ducks :) I understand why you fear the Googlebeast. It can be ugly...

Helen, I am so with you. Whatever happened to calling a child, say, Claudia and then calling her, say, Ladybird as a family nickname? People undervalue nicknames so much these days and I don't understand it at all. If it's good enough for Miley Cyrus, then surely it's good enough for folk who don't have dads with out-of-control mullets.

At 7:42 pm, January 22, 2009, Blogger ali g said...

just tops red. 2009 plan is to go back to Africa later in the year soon as a cat sitter organised. in the interim TP coming here Easter.
loved your review on predator..good one.

At 12:30 pm, January 23, 2009, Blogger The Man at the Pub said...

Well someone has to play devil's advocate here.

I can see why people could take offence at your lists of SBG names. It can be seen as very snobby and conservative. Shall we just stick to traditional, anglo-saxon christian names like Bruce, John and Mavis (John Howard would be sooo proud)? Shall we bring back the "good ole days" when kids were called Brian and Sarah and Susan and Ian, good old "normal" Aussie names, like the ones we grew up with? Sure I would never name my child after an American State, with 3 silent H's, just to be different, but you can't account for personal taste. And by the time these kids are our age, their names will be "normal" and ours will be "wierd" and old fashioned. My nephews go to school with a kid called Fizzy. A good laugh for the adults but the kids don't bat an eyelid, but what would the kids know anyway?

Perhaps it's just non-conformity gone mad and I don't like most these names myself (for aesthetic reasons), but should we discriminate against the younger generations assuming that due to the name their parents gave them, they are dopey skanks destined to end up in shallow bush graves? Sadly, casting such aspertions over a child's potential could turn out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's a bit harsh I reckon.

That said, I reckon Blogger's word verification box could also be a random SBG name generator. I just got "Mahiates" which I think I'll name my first-born son!

You should post more often Redcap. Your grumpiness is quite amusing.

At 9:45 am, January 24, 2009, Blogger ali g said...

dont blame you for lashing out there old son. If my parents had christianed me 'the man at the pub' I'd be a bit pissy too.
Discriminate? think perhaps you miss the point completely or maybe you dont have a sense of humour.
Gotta go now Epony-Rae is crying for her grandpa.

At 9:51 am, January 24, 2009, Blogger ali g said...

er christened....
ps my mother named me ali g cause she thought it sounded pretty

At 3:00 am, January 28, 2009, Blogger knifepainter said...

I'm starting to wish I hadn't named my first born son 'Adolf'.....

At 2:42 pm, February 28, 2009, Blogger Kath Lockett said...

Come on Red, time for another post, even if I have to tag you for a meme:

At 5:53 pm, April 11, 2009, Blogger Ms Vitriol said...

Aah, you and Audrey Bad Apple have rehabilitated my my small stock of faith in Adelaide's progeny.

At 7:24 pm, June 11, 2009, Blogger River said...

Wow, 6 month hiatus. That's quite a break........

At 5:43 pm, October 26, 2009, Anonymous Anonymous said...

another name for next SBG post:

In Newcastle newspaper last week apparently, in the birth notices:
La-a (a girl)
And helpfully, the pronunciation was included.


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At 12:55 am, September 15, 2012, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Redcap,
long time no talk. Just thought I'd do something I haven't done in a number of years and look up the meaning of my children's names, and now I found two listings for Kyealea.
First of all I'd like to say sorry for the tirade from some years back, the truth of the matter is I saw your post and just felt rage, as Kye is my first child and was only less than a year old at the time. It was all down to me being over protective and just being easily angered when it comes to the most important things in my life, I just read your blog again and wish I could take back all I had said. Kyealea is a name with special meaning to her mother and I can assure you that her siblings names are quite ordinary. When it comes to my spelling and punctuation I try but I'm the first to admit that I have no Idea so please forgive me for this lot.
I used the hb email address because it was only made to piss off an old work mate.
Once again I am really sorry for the earlier post and hope you can forgive me for a moment of insanity


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