Friday, January 12, 2007

One green bottle...

I love a good test, don’t you? It’s so much fun. The South Australian police and transport bastards must have heard, because they developed a great one that we can all take, if we try hard enough. Well, not really. We shouldn’t try to be eligible for this one.

I don’t know about other states, but SA is a little on the Nazi-ish side when it comes to drink driving. Before you give me a bollocking, I know, I know – it’s bad. Very bad. You shouldn’t do it and NO, I don’t do it myself nor do I condone it in others. However, the fact remains if you get pinged twice in three years, Herr Flic makes you sit The Alco Test before he will give you back your licence. This is to decide whether you are a danger to society. Tests are obviously very good at predicting this.

This weekend is the annual Adelaide Schitzenfaced, so it seems quite appropriate to pull out The Alco Test. I imagine a number of people will become eligible for it at some stage over the next few days and will need to know. I'm just here to help.

Part of the test involves a little psych evaluation to find out if you are Idi Amin or Pol Pot reincarnated. Here’s one I had someone steal for me earlier:

1. Is alcohol an appropriate breakfast food?
a Only at Christmas and New Year.
b Well, there are carbs in beer and carbs in cereal…
c What else would I put on my god-damned beerflakes?

2. When was the last time you had a hangover?
a New Year’s Day. Ooh, I were crook…
b Since my eyes look like cracked jaffas, my mouth tastes like the bottom of a budgie’s cage and Fred Astaire is doing a nice little fucking tap routine on my skull, I would guess that I have one right about now.
c Perhaps you should be asking when was the last time I wasn’t hung over.

3. How much do usually you drink every day?
a A couple of drinks.
b A couple of bottles.
c A couple of slabs.

4. Your friends call you:
a Cadbury.
b Robert.
c Sozzle.

5. If you have been drinking, how long should you wait before driving?
a Until I am completely sober – preferably the next day.
b When I think I’ve had enough soft drinks and stodgy, fatty food to absorb the piss, and a good few hours have passed since my last drink.
c When I stop sweating vodka.

6. If you have had a bad day at work, what is the first thing you do when you leave?
a Go and look at puppies in the pet shop.
b Meet a friend for a drink or three.
c Get stone-motherless slaughtered.

7. If you have a hangover, do you
a Go to work, get a bacon and egg sandwich and Black Doctor down you and do your best to not throw up.
b Crawl in late and just slump at your desk looking crook.
c Pull a sickie. You feel like you’ve been dropped from 2,000 feet onto your bed and you can’t drive a car or operate heavy machinery anyway because you’re still drunk.

8. You have run out of your preferred beverage at home and it’s the day before payday. Do you
a Forget about it and drink Coke.
b Drink the Crème de Menthe because that’s all that’s left.
c Think seriously about whether metho mixes with orange juice, because you finished the Crème de Menthe last time you ran out.

9. Absinthe is
a Scary as all fuck.
b Something I tried once but have never gone near again.
c To be served in pint glasses. On fire.

10. If you go to the pub with friends, how long do you keep drinking?
a I just have a few.
b Until I look in the mirror and see Tammy Faye Baker staring back at me.
c Until I run out of money OR the last pub sweeps me out with the cigarette butts OR I pass out. Whatever comes first.

11. How do your evenings out usually end?
a Taking a taxi home.
b Starting an argument with someone I don’t know over something ridiculous.
c Passed out cold in the back of a paddy wagon.

12. Have you ever been hit by a car while inebriated and not realised it?
a No
b Yes
c Mayyyybe…

13. Where will you go when you leave this office?
a Back to work.
b Out to lunch with friends to share a bottle of wine.
c Directly to the pub to lie under an open beer tap.

14. Are you an alcoholic?
a No, of course not! I’m offended that you would even ask that question!
b What do you classify as an alcoholic?
c Alcoholics go to meetings. I’m just a drunk.

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At 9:09 am, January 13, 2007, Blogger Davo said...

None of the above ... except 14. c .. heh.

At 10:48 am, January 13, 2007, Blogger foodkitty said...

14 checked and correct. A perfect score. Not that I'm competitive or anything....
I am in training for the Australia Day Skulls though...weioght for age I'm a good each way bet

At 12:06 pm, January 13, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Davo, ha! 14 is the clincher, though.

Kitty, now there's something I can't do. Snaps to you! The other half can skull with the best of them, though, and he's a killer when it comes to shotgunning. I suppose so long as one of us can do it, we won't be embarrassed if we're ever forced onto an alcoholic version of The Amazing Race. Actually, there's an idea...

At 4:15 pm, January 13, 2007, Blogger Scorpy said...

Hic....LOL...what was the question?

At 9:17 am, January 14, 2007, Blogger jedimerc said...

That was great... alas, absinthe is technically illegal in the States. Ah, had I been in Adelaide a couple of months sooner I would have made it to Schitzenfaced. Instead, I had to deal with The Festival.

At 10:01 am, January 14, 2007, Blogger meva said...

I'll drink to that! Here's cheers!

At 11:49 am, January 14, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Scorpy, I've forgotten, but I think it was something to the effect of, "Are you thirsty?" ;)

Jedi, meh, Festival beats Schitzenfaced hands down. You can get beer any old time. Rest assured you made the right choice.

Meva, and cheers to you, too!

At 2:47 pm, January 14, 2007, Blogger Davo said...

self only hasta worry when they get to PUI (pedestrian under influence) or DICHD (drunk in charge of heavy discourse).

At 3:38 pm, January 14, 2007, Blogger PetStarr said...

Classic! My friends call me Robert, but only cos THEY'RE drunk.

At 7:34 am, January 15, 2007, Blogger jedimerc said...

glad to hear I made the right choice, because I had a blast at the Festival.

At 9:59 am, January 15, 2007, Blogger Lazy cow said...

I don't mind me some absinthe, and I think a Bloody Mary is the perfect breakfast 'food', but other than that, I'm clean as a whistle.

At 4:16 pm, January 15, 2007, Blogger surfercam said...

Because I am so bored at work I am going to answer thme all :
1. D - all of the above
2. C
3. B
4. C
5. A
6. C
7. B
8. C
9. B
10. B
11. B
12. A
13. C
14. Definitely C

...I think I am in real trouble...

At 7:53 pm, January 15, 2007, Blogger Steph said...

Methinks i would fail that little test DISMALLY!
Anyone got the number for Alcos anon?

At 8:29 pm, January 15, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Davo, luckily, one can't be charged with being drunk in charge of feet.

Pet, For shame! Mocking people called Robert and your poor pissed posse.

Jedi, yep, Festival-time is a stack o' fun. I like Writers' Week and the Fringe best.

Lazy, here's your halo :) We have a bottle of absinthe in the pantry. The other half brought it back from South Africa and apparently it's the real gear. It's been there for four months and I'm too afraid to go near it. I put it behind the cherry brandy : P

Surfercam, nah, you're fine until you answer A to question 6. Now THAT'S just sick.

Steph, yep - I've got the bastards on speed dial. It's 1800-IM-MUNTED.

At 10:37 pm, January 15, 2007, Blogger londongirl said...

So what's the scoring system? I'm guessing mostly Bs and Cs is bad, right?

At 6:29 pm, January 16, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

LG, well, it's more of an honour system. Mainly As and you're not really trying, mainly Bs and you're putting in a good effort, but mainly Cs and you get life membership at your local boozer. Combination of Bs and Cs, fairly normal, I'd say. Well, among my boozehound mates anyway ;)


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