One green bottle...

I love a good test, don’t you? It’s so much fun. The South Australian police and transport bastards must have heard, because they developed a great one that we can all take, if we try hard enough. Well, not really. We shouldn’t try to be eligible for this one.

I don’t know about other states, but SA is a little on the Nazi-ish side when it comes to drink driving. Before you give me a bollocking, I know, I know – it’s bad. Very bad. You shouldn’t do it and NO, I don’t do it myself nor do I condone it in others. However, the fact remains if you get pinged twice in three years, Herr Flic makes you sit The Alco Test before he will give you back your licence. This is to decide whether you are a danger to society. Tests are obviously very good at predicting this.

This weekend is the annual Adelaide Schitzenfaced, so it seems quite appropriate to pull out The Alco Test. I imagine a number of people will become eligible for it at some stage over the next few days and will need to know. I'm just here to help.

Part of the test involves a little psych evaluation to find out if you are Idi Amin or Pol Pot reincarnated. Here’s one I had someone steal for me earlier:

1. Is alcohol an appropriate breakfast food?
a Only at Christmas and New Year.
b Well, there are carbs in beer and carbs in cereal…
c What else would I put on my god-damned beerflakes?

2. When was the last time you had a hangover?
a New Year’s Day. Ooh, I were crook…
b Since my eyes look like cracked jaffas, my mouth tastes like the bottom of a budgie’s cage and Fred Astaire is doing a nice little fucking tap routine on my skull, I would guess that I have one right about now.
c Perhaps you should be asking when was the last time I wasn’t hung over.

3. How much do usually you drink every day?
a A couple of drinks.
b A couple of bottles.
c A couple of slabs.

4. Your friends call you:
a Cadbury.
b Robert.
c Sozzle.

5. If you have been drinking, how long should you wait before driving?
a Until I am completely sober – preferably the next day.
b When I think I’ve had enough soft drinks and stodgy, fatty food to absorb the piss, and a good few hours have passed since my last drink.
c When I stop sweating vodka.

6. If you have had a bad day at work, what is the first thing you do when you leave?
a Go and look at puppies in the pet shop.
b Meet a friend for a drink or three.
c Get stone-motherless slaughtered.

7. If you have a hangover, do you
a Go to work, get a bacon and egg sandwich and Black Doctor down you and do your best to not throw up.
b Crawl in late and just slump at your desk looking crook.
c Pull a sickie. You feel like you’ve been dropped from 2,000 feet onto your bed and you can’t drive a car or operate heavy machinery anyway because you’re still drunk.

8. You have run out of your preferred beverage at home and it’s the day before payday. Do you
a Forget about it and drink Coke.
b Drink the Crème de Menthe because that’s all that’s left.
c Think seriously about whether metho mixes with orange juice, because you finished the Crème de Menthe last time you ran out.

9. Absinthe is
a Scary as all fuck.
b Something I tried once but have never gone near again.
c To be served in pint glasses. On fire.

10. If you go to the pub with friends, how long do you keep drinking?
a I just have a few.
b Until I look in the mirror and see Tammy Faye Baker staring back at me.
c Until I run out of money OR the last pub sweeps me out with the cigarette butts OR I pass out. Whatever comes first.

11. How do your evenings out usually end?
a Taking a taxi home.
b Starting an argument with someone I don’t know over something ridiculous.
c Passed out cold in the back of a paddy wagon.

12. Have you ever been hit by a car while inebriated and not realised it?
a No
b Yes
c Mayyyybe…

13. Where will you go when you leave this office?
a Back to work.
b Out to lunch with friends to share a bottle of wine.
c Directly to the pub to lie under an open beer tap.

14. Are you an alcoholic?
a No, of course not! I’m offended that you would even ask that question!
b What do you classify as an alcoholic?
c Alcoholics go to meetings. I’m just a drunk.