Tuesday, January 16, 2007

You know it's January in Adelaide when...

There are more blokes than chicks in town with waxed legs. Believe me, I kid you not.

Ah, Tour Down Under. For non-Adelaide people (ie, most of youse what is sane), this is a cycle race. Our premier (Jedi - this equals "governor"), Media Mike, likes to think that our cycle race is about to take on Le Tour de France. Ha. Sadly, Media Mike is wildly delusional and also thinks that he can catch arsonists. But that doesn't mean that this isn't a fun ol' Adelaide time. Yeehah and all.

Frankly, I have no interest in cycling. I haven't been able to love it much since that Nasty Incident where I was trying to avoid looking at a really annoying neighbour and ended up pranging my Malvern Star up the back end of a stationary Ford Zephyr when I was 11. I was chewing grape-flavoured bubblegum at the time and (allegedly) my neighbour said, "Here's where it happened! Here's her gum!" So, bikes and me = not that friendly.

I do see the benefits of the Pretty European Cycle Boys, though. They're very picturesque. Toned boys in lycra, even if they're not that tall, are a distinct enhancement to any streetscape. Adelaide is a far cry from Paris, but a PECB brings one that little bit closer. Eh, bonjour! Tu es un bien barraque! Voudrais-tu coucher avec mois, ce soir? Non? Meh! Va te faire foutre!

I used to work in Victoria Square, which, apart from being courthouse-central in Adelaide, also happens to be home to the Tour Village (ie, a lot of tents) and the Hilton Hotel (where most of the PECBs stay). I'd drag my sadly unglamorous arse into work in the mornings and there would be piles of PECBs at the cafes, downing coffee. You have to pity the poor little bastards, even if they are built like jockeys and wearing athletic socks and Nike slides - coffee is the only drug they're allowed.

But it doesn't matter if one is out of the CBD (yes, Adelaide DOES have one!) because one can still get an eyeful of the PECBs in the 'burbs. I live by the beach and if one gets one's fat arse out of bed early enough in the a.m., one can see the PECBs training. For some reason, they prefer to ride by someplace purdy. Buggered if I know why. I'd way rather train in a place that was known for carjackings.

However, sometimes one can be gypped. Like this morning. I was driving to work and went, "Phwoar! PECBs!" But it wasn't really a pelleton. Instead, it was just bunch of wannabes. Even worse, some of the wannabes turn out to be chicks. You have no idea how this challenges one's sexuality.

"Phwoar, look at the PECBs! Oh, CHRIST! Chicks! Noooo! Really, I wasn't attracted to their arses at all! No! It's not my fault! How the hell am I supposed to know? They've all got shaved legs! Sob!"

Sadly, January is also the time when any wanker with a pushbike gets the thing out of the shed. You never, ever see so many cyclists in Adelaide as during the Tour. Suddenly, it's cool to risk death. Suddenly, people forget that Adelaide drivers are among the biggest pricks in the country, and will run a cyclist off the road before breakfast without even batting an eyelid.

So, hurrah for the cycle race. It's over on Sunday or something. Bah, humbike.

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28 Comments:

At 10:09 pm, January 16, 2007, Blogger meva said...

So do boys really shave their legs to make themselves more aerodynamic? Really? Pfffft! What a lame excuse!

 
At 10:24 pm, January 16, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Well, if they don't, they're certainly doing a very good, hairless impression : P

 
At 11:53 pm, January 16, 2007, Blogger Peter said...

Don't make too much noise about this race redcap, or the Vic's will come and pinch it from you.

 
At 7:07 am, January 17, 2007, Blogger jedimerc said...

When I first heard the term 'premier' when I was over there, I wondered if Australia had suddenly gone Communist, as premiers tend to be found in socialist and communist countries, as a rule (though I think the 'governors' of Canadian provinces are premiers as well). Really, you would have thought we should have broken with the term 'governor' since it normally implied royal authority...

I will say that I only used Public Transport once in Adelaide, and that was to get to the train station. The rest of the time, I walked everywhere.

 
At 8:14 am, January 17, 2007, Blogger Jo said...

Aha! Dopey is a cyclist!

 
At 8:21 am, January 17, 2007, Blogger foodkitty said...

There aren't enough PECB's around for my liking. But there are some disturbing sights in lycra shorts around....it turns out there is a male equivalent to the micro-mini aka denim belt. Muffin top lycra - yee-hah!

 
At 10:49 am, January 17, 2007, Blogger Ariel said...

So Adelaide still goes nuts for a sporting event, huh? It's amazing how the atmosphere in Adders is utterly transformed by sporting events in a way that doesn't happen here in Melbourne. Love the pic.

 
At 12:39 pm, January 17, 2007, Blogger killerrabbit said...

In the past 3 months I have seen 2 cyclists get hit by cars that don't even stop. I hope that all those PECB's have Grease style car destroyers attached to their bikes.

I am about to take my life in my hands and start riding to work as well! Do a few sun saluations for me.

 
At 12:41 pm, January 17, 2007, Blogger surfercam said...

I'm a fan, of cycling, not Adelaide.

 
At 3:24 pm, January 17, 2007, Blogger Davo said...

Let's hope Eugene McGee is put under house arrest/has his car keys confiscated during the Tour. He seems to be fatally attracted to cyclists.

 
At 5:16 pm, January 17, 2007, Anonymous Steph said...

Hey Redcap! Thought it was about time I outed myself as a lurker...I found my way here via Petstarr and (if I am correct and I'm 99.9% sure I am) I have worked with you in another life. And Petstarr. That is, if my detective work is as good as I think it is and I have put the clues together correctly! In the interests of anonymity on both our parts I shall not say too much, but my name should hopefully twig your memory anyway. Nice work on the blog and hope all is going well!

 
At 5:21 pm, January 17, 2007, Blogger Sloth said...

The thing I hate are the amature cyclists who think the lycra is a right and not a privilidge.
Men with guts should not wear lycra shirts.

 
At 6:28 pm, January 17, 2007, Blogger PetStarr said...

Well your French is a little dodgy, Redcap, but I agree with the underlying sentiment. :) I have never seen so many dickhead cyclists in my life. What is it about a cycling race that makes everyone go "Hey I've got one of those! Now I just need to put on some lycra!" Why doesn't anyone do this when pro wrestling is on TV? I'd love to see a bunch of Hulk Hogan lookalikes throwing each other into dumpsters while screaming "CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKINGGGG!!??" Far more entertaining, and it still involves lycra. Everybody wins.

 
At 6:29 pm, January 17, 2007, Blogger PetStarr said...

PS: Bloody hell, hello Steph!! Ha ha

I knooow who youuu arrrrre! :)

 
At 7:43 pm, January 17, 2007, Blogger Steph said...

Cyclists all seem gay to me, and that's fine cos I'm the worst faghag ever, but still, kinda makes one sad to think one won't have a chance to rub up against their hairless bodies :P

 
At 8:14 pm, January 17, 2007, Blogger Scorpy said...

LOL...I used to be one of those wankers :) I used to ride into Adelaide from RAAF Edinburgh - Yes I was Airfarce - and sit at one of the quaint little cafe's on the sidewalk. Then get drunk with my mates and have to catch the train home ...aaah the memories.
PS: for those that want to really know why they (we) shave legs it is to stop the skin being ripped off when you crash. the hair actually pulls large chunks of skin off whereas a shaved leg will graze - badly - but it will heal faster and not be as painful..Honest truth!!!!!. I used to do Tris at Westend.

 
At 8:43 pm, January 17, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Peter, I think they're already eyeing it covetously, the bastards. Though they're welcome to the grand prix - that was obnoxiously noisy.

Jedi, oh, and we have governors too, but they're Auld Liz's representatives.

Jo, er, entirely possible...

Kitty, shudder. Muffin top bike shorts are a vision of hell!

Ariel, you know what Adelaide is like - it makes us feel like we're actually a part of the world. It is a good pic, isn't it? I stole it.

KR, I'll do better than that - I'll get my father-in-law to send some cosmic energy your way ;)

Surfercam, that's OK - I'm not a fan of surfing.

Davo, ooh, let's not go there, eh?

Steph W, ha! I didn't see you there! Excellent detective work! I saw a comment you left on D'Jen's blog a while ago and realised it must be you. All is indeed well and thanks :) Hope everything is well with you too.

Sloth, lycra must be treated with great care. It can turn on you in an instant.

Pet, there, I've de-dodged my French some. Is that better? I had a hard day yesterday. They made me do numbers. Sob. Some of the wannabe cycle boys look like they should be breaking chairs across someone's back...

Steph, cyclists are pretty to look at, but I don't think you'd want to there. After all, I've heard triathletes, erm, don't actually take rest stops on long-distance rides. They just let go, if you know what I mean. What if these guys do the same thing? ~shudder~

Scorpy, Christ, you rode from Ediburgh to town?! You must be bloody fit. As for that guff about the leg hairs, yeah, yeah, pull the other one ;)

 
At 8:45 pm, January 17, 2007, Anonymous Steph said...

Hello Petstarr! I knew you would figure it out, you're so clever :-) I've been reading you ever since the Salad of Disappointment incident last year! By the way, sorry Redcap to use your blog as a personal message service - I should just get off my butt and write some emails :-)

 
At 8:54 pm, January 17, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Heh Steph, you're forgiven :)

 
At 9:56 pm, January 17, 2007, Blogger Davo said...

OK.. light and easy.. more or less .. heh. (scrabbles round in closet to find tight cotton half-shorts, crash hat and "Speedwell" thrown into back shed for past 6 years.)

 
At 3:06 am, January 18, 2007, Blogger londongirl said...

Never knowingly fancied a cyclist, but I'm all for diversity (hey, means we're not all lusting after the same people, right?).

But I get v.wound up by the weekend lycra-clad bulgy-bellied men who think they're 25 again when in fact they're just embarassing themselves and their kids are hiding in their bedroom with horror about their dad making such a fool out of himself. Slow AND fat. Not a good combination.

PS. Yr french not that dodgy - think Petstarr is being mean. No accents, of course, but tis too much faff to add them on QWERTY keyboard!

 
At 12:16 pm, January 18, 2007, Anonymous Teddy said...

So, you add a couple of hundred cyclists ito the community and you are saying that there are more men than girls with waxed legs----its summer---the hibernation season is over and the bruin look has been outlawed until winter
No ladies, it is not a fashion statement to wear the shorts, minis or bathing attire over your King Kong suit------remember --it is bushfire season

 
At 4:39 pm, January 18, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Davo, for everyone's sake, please leave those shorts out of the equation!

LG, thanks :) I have to admit, it was even dodgier before I corrected it. I was never much good on the conditional tense.

Teddy, for shame! Double standards! I wear my King Kong suit with pride and will defend to the death the right of any other woman to do likewise.

 
At 7:08 pm, January 18, 2007, Blogger gigglewick said...

I thought all you SA types were mad for Mike Rann. Oh well, all things must pass (including cyclists, at speed).

 
At 7:35 pm, January 18, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Gigglewick, well, politicians annoy me and so do spin doctors who believe their own crap and Mikey-boy is both. At least he's not a Liberal, I guess.

 
At 9:12 pm, January 18, 2007, Blogger Scorpy said...

That shaved leg thing is true....honest. I once rode from Mt Kosiousko (sp?) to Sydney, for charity...bloody near killed me :)

 
At 12:22 pm, January 19, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Christ Scorpy! Now that's a bike ride.

 
At 7:43 pm, June 22, 2007, Blogger River said...

And a great big Yeehah right back atcha!

 

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