Thursday, May 10, 2007

Chef of the damned

This guy scares me. He's life-size and he stands at the door to a rather grim cafe that I pass several times a day. I swear I heard him sniff and murmur longingly, "Mmm, brains..." as I passed by this morning.

I presume that his hat is red because he dips it in the blood of the damned, just like a real redcap, and the latte cup is for offerings of grey matter.

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43 Comments:

At 8:45 pm, May 10, 2007, Blogger gigglewick said...

Yeah, that's goddamn creepy.

 
At 8:49 pm, May 10, 2007, Blogger Ariel said...

Truly scary. I expect he comes to life and night and hunts for brains. Watch out - he's seen you now. Hee hee.

 
At 9:13 pm, May 10, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Gahh! I think it's his black eyeballs and white irises that freak me the most...

 
At 9:24 pm, May 10, 2007, Blogger phishez_rule said...

Which way are his eyes facing? Is it left, or right?

Very creepy.

And clearly, you cannot trust anybody with a mustache.

 
At 9:40 pm, May 10, 2007, Blogger Lonie Polony said...

Urgh, I've never liked things like that. I don't understand how people can have creepy humanoid statues and body parts in their houses and still sleep at night. I think the worst thing I ever saw was a plaster cast of someone's hands, sitting all disembodied up on the shelf. *Shudder*

 
At 9:49 pm, May 10, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

phishez, they are facing frong and centre and straight into your very soul. And re moustaches, that's why I despise Movember.

Lonie, there's a shop in Adelaide with windows full of such things. They have both Blues Brothers, a California Highway Patrol guy, an undersized vampire and some other crap that I've forgotten ~shudder~

 
At 10:33 pm, May 10, 2007, Blogger Rosanna said...

There is one like this at Southbank in ye olde Melbourne. I'm always tempted to shake his hand.

Or scream.

 
At 10:53 pm, May 10, 2007, Blogger Sakura said...

*shudders* that is bloody freaky - it is those eyes definately.

 
At 12:06 am, May 11, 2007, Blogger Ratty. said...

Definitely looks like an Italian to me. In Italy they put the chef outside which isn't so bad as you can always tell him to fuck off back to the kitchen and get on with the cooking.
Do his eyes follow you as you walk by? I would be sorely tempted to place a plastic bag over his head.

 
At 8:10 am, May 11, 2007, Anonymous coyotemike said...

Next time you walk past him, poke him with a stick to see if he attacks you. If he doesn't, then you're fine. If he does, well, then you're screwed.

 
At 8:34 am, May 11, 2007, Blogger Jo said...

Okay - am I alone here, or does this guy look like a fatter David Lo Pan from Big Trouble In Little China?

Damn. Am I a geek now?

 
At 10:44 am, May 11, 2007, Blogger gigglewick said...

A guy when knew had a life-size luke skywalker cut out in his hallway. It would scare the living crap out of you if you forgot it was there.

PS Why haven't students stolen the enormous chef? I don't know, the kids today etc...

 
At 12:59 pm, May 11, 2007, Blogger killerrabbit said...

I like the welcome here on his portly belly - it is to make us feel better while he is slowly consuming our brains! Ooops sorry a few too many zombie movies in my past.

 
At 1:03 pm, May 11, 2007, Blogger Steph said...

I think he's hot! It's the moustache that does it for me. Phwooarr!!

 
At 3:50 pm, May 11, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

rosanna, there are more of them? Holy Ford, it's a zombie chef army!

sakura, yeah - fuck knows why they painted them white on black.

ratty, there's a plan. If I put the bag over his head and he starts coughing, then he's not really a statue.

mike, how about I give him a go with a cattle prod instead? Kill two birds with one stone.

jo, it's been a few years since I saw Big Trouble, but he does look more Asian than Italian. Perhaps he's an Iron Chef from the Dark Side of Kitchen Stadium?

gigglewick, I blame emo culture. It's all death and depression and self-harm - no time for chortlesome pranks.

rabbit, I reckon that's a cunning ploy to get you into the grim cafe so he can sneak up behind you and consume your brains at his leisure.

steph, yeah, hot like John Jarrett in Wolf Creek. Except paler.

 
At 6:38 pm, May 11, 2007, Blogger The Man at the Pub said...

Reminds me of a creepy Santa that makes an appearance every December at my mother-in-law-to-be's. I swear that thing will creep into the kitchen and grab a steak knife one year.

And Santa's got redcap too.

(*shudders)

 
At 8:20 pm, May 11, 2007, Blogger Sakura said...

Hey mate - this has nothing to do with the post, what's with your email. i have been trying to email you but it keeps bouncing back to me.... hmm maybe i am a tardo and don't have it right.
Hope ur well.
laters !!

 
At 9:33 pm, May 11, 2007, Anonymous Clyde said...

Cant be all bad
He takes Visa

 
At 9:35 pm, May 11, 2007, Anonymous Teddy said...

So what does this cafe sell---
Looks like he should be standing in Chinatown---a little redcap noodle bar

 
At 10:36 pm, May 11, 2007, Blogger MadameBoffin said...

omg, his eyes are... gah. They're glowing with evil

 
At 8:17 am, May 12, 2007, Blogger TimT said...

Now that you've put the picture up, he can see the whole internet. God save us!

 
At 3:18 pm, May 12, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Mr Pub, it's those blow-up Santas that freak me out. There's a particularly scary one that rises up out of an inflatable chimney.

sakura, I've emailed you. You tardo ;)

Clyde, and Bankcard. I didn't Bankcard still existed!

Ted, sandwiches and coffee and suchlike. They're probably brain sandwiches and blood-of-the-damned coffee.

Boff, I know! Quick, think about whiskers on kittens!

timt, oh, Ford, what have I done? I've doomed us all!

 
At 5:29 pm, May 12, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

mate ur a fkn idiot, you got a problem with the name taevah, and my sisters name tennille, at least spell the fucking name right, you got that much crap on your pathetic blog site-shows how much of a loser you actually are, ever thought of getting off your fat ass and getting out the house once in a while, u might realise there are better things to do than complain about every fkn thing you can think of, its people like u that are a waste of space...get a fkn life mate

 
At 5:39 pm, May 12, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Anon, ooh, irony! I love irony. You know, I think this is my first fuckwit comment. Hurrah, I've arrived!

 
At 5:50 pm, May 12, 2007, Blogger PetStarr said...

Hey, I've got a problem with the name Taevah too! Can we start a club or something?

 
At 6:25 pm, May 12, 2007, Anonymous Teddy said...

Ah, its Mothers day tomorrow and they have thrown open the gates to the asylum to let all of the anonymouses (or is that anonymice) home to their families.
Geez mate, hey mate, yo mate, dont you know that parents spell any name any way they like.
But it was kind of you to throw your sister (Hm, wonder if she has the same father) into the SBG group. Ah, I can just see her--pretty in pink--Ugg Boots that is.

Hey if the Taevah club gets of the ground, count me in, and I'll raise you one Tuneel

 
At 7:31 pm, May 12, 2007, Anonymous Clyde said...

Hang on, I'll just open a window.
Yep, there it is---its a Fuckwit moon tonight.
Cant you just hear an accent with that "mate" and cant you just see him in his purple valiant.
Sorry Teddy, it is spelt with 2n's and an a---Tunneal
Get it right, or he might come back Mate

 
At 5:13 pm, May 13, 2007, Blogger Lonie Polony said...

Ah, don't we all love that Anonymous fellow? He must spend all day on his computer, because I see his trail of pointless, clueless drivel on many blogs. Obscenities and unsubstantiated personal insults are the refuge of the fool.

P.S. If we guess your name, will you disappear like Rumpelstiltskin? Is it Captain?

 
At 5:15 pm, May 13, 2007, Blogger Lonie Polony said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 8:12 pm, May 13, 2007, Blogger Rosanna said...

Heeeeello Redcap! I thought of you (WEIRD) today, because this boy came into work in a red t-shirt that had HARRY POTTER emblazoned all over it.

I almost asked him where he got it.

 
At 9:05 pm, May 13, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Pet, it sounds a bit like a planter wart or something, doesn't it? Of course, it'll probably turn out to be some Biblical thing and I'll be stoned to death.

Ted, I've never really liked ugg boots, no matter what the colour. Wool makes me itch.

clyde, awww, c'mawn mayyte - don't go dissin' purple Valiants. It might be a push-button automatic...

Lonie, he he he, Anonymous certainly is an extremely busy little commenter, isn't s/he? But s/he's such a grump. No-one ever leaves anonymous comments telling you you're worth of the Nobel Prize for Literature, for example.

rosanna, ooh, that is weird. Dunno that I'd be up for a T-shirt with Harry Potter on it, but I might be persuaded by one that read "Beware of the earwax-flavoured bean" or even, "Oddment, nitwit, blubber, tweak." ;)

 
At 9:59 pm, May 13, 2007, Anonymous Clyde said...

You have to love a girl who knows her cars---but you dont know the "Mate" boys
Push button autos were 62, 63 & 65----that was R & S series and AP5. The "Mates" didnt join in til 67--the VC. And there never was a purple til the boys started painting.
Oh shit, wasnt that interesting
Been reading through your blog. Looks like this was your first hate mail but I think you now have a stalker

 
At 10:08 am, May 14, 2007, Blogger NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

He does look sort of sinister. They got monkey brain soup over there?

 
At 8:00 pm, May 16, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

clyde, stalker? Oh, OK. Just don't turn up under my bedroom window. I'll set the cat on you ;)

dr noisewater, no, pumpkin. And possibly minestrone.

 
At 9:24 am, May 17, 2007, Blogger Scorpy said...

Damn! That IS scary. I wouldn't go into that shop...those Pastry Chef/Cook statues are usually more like the Swedish Chef, of Muppets fame, but your guy is more like a Devil Cult Muppet lol

 
At 8:25 pm, May 17, 2007, Blogger t h e - g o b b l e r said...

G'day redcap. Welcome to the world of the Cyber-Coward. Rita alerted us & bwe thought we'd see if the profile was the same. We have been frequented by an oily presence unfortunately on more than one occasion.
What we have learned is not to engage at all. That old bit of advice rings truer than ever in this instance, 'never wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty but the pig likes it'.
On another issue, how is Adelaide's food scene these days? We were there from 1990 through to 93. What a great time for country restaurants & cafes-Oh those heady days & be still my beating heart!

 
At 8:53 pm, May 17, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Scorpy, definitely no ner-ner-ner-ner-ner here. Perhaps more a Peter Jackson Feeble than a muppet? I noticed yesterday that they lock him up in the cafe at night, so we might be safe.

Gobbler, welcome! Don't worry, I'm not really upset. I've had people say things to me that would turn your hair blue :) Adelaide's food scene is still a fine and dandy thing. Gouger and Rundle streets and the Parade still have wonders to offer and if you're in the mood to venture a little further afield, oh, the joy! Mmmm... food...

 
At 10:35 pm, May 17, 2007, Anonymous Clyde said...

Hey, not me Red
Could be a new best blogging friend

 
At 11:09 pm, May 17, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

clyde, oh, OK :) Get a blog and I'll read yours too!

 
At 12:11 am, May 21, 2007, Blogger Ms Smack said...

I've not seen him before.. and I have to say, I'm not too keen to see him at all !

:)

Clyde, I'll help you set one up, if you want to email me on miss.smack@gmail.com

Cheers !!

 
At 9:48 pm, May 27, 2007, Anonymous Clyde said...

Now there is an offer I'm finding hard to resist.
But I doubt that I have the talents of a Red or a Ms. S to support my own creations
Thank you Ms S

 
At 12:27 pm, May 29, 2007, Blogger Small Fry and The Seal said...

ah yes, i know that chef well - he is affectionately referred to as the crazy mongolian in my workplace! i love that they tie an apron around him and also tie him and his trolley to the column!
and as for anonymous - the irony is almost cruel, mate...
love your blog by the way, you actually inspired my friend and i to start blogging as well! ours is pretty crap so far, but we'll get better, i promise!

 
At 8:20 pm, May 29, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

small fry and the seal, wow, thanks! I don't think I've ever been an inspiration before. Good bloggy luck :)

 

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