Sunday, December 16, 2007

Paris the Floor Whore

Meet Paris, our robot vacuum cleaner. Say hi, Paris.

Hey, sexy. You're so hot! Wanna make a home movie with me?
Just buy me a miniature chihuahua...

Oi! Stop it! God, she's such a tart!

Bloke bought her a few weeks back, by mail order. Just like a Russian/Nigerian bride who steals all your money and lets her brothers try to kill you. "But awww!" I hear you say. "Your husband bought you a robot vacuum cleaner! He doesn't want you to have to slave over a hot Hoover every weekend. That's so sweet!"

If only. It's actually Bloke who does the Hoovering in our house. The huge amount of cat wool that blows about the place gives me the very unattractive combination of sneeze and wheeze when I sweep. Well done me for wanting a cat when I was clearly allergic, eh?

Not that cleaning at our place is really Hoovering, of course. We have jarrah flooboards all through the house, with various terracotta tiling in the bathroom and laundry and a couple of tribal-type rugs around the place. It's usually just a matter of sweeping up the kitty fluff, beach sand, grass seeds, purple fluff-balls from kitty's blanket, etc. Sometimes we manage to sweep up enough grey fur to make a spare kitty, but we try not to let him know. Otherwise, he'd get jealous.

Apart from the fact that Bloke doesn't care for sweeping, there's also the small problem that he's... well... a nerd. An extremely talented nerd, but a nerd nontheless - he builds flight simulators. (Yes, obviously he got all the brains in the family. I know that.) But when he saw robot vacuum cleaners, he was rather taken and he and his mate decided they'd each get one. As you do.

From the moment the little tart arrived in the house, I hated her. She's actually called Roomba and she tools about the place on her own, bouncing off couches, skirting boards and door frames, doing her slutty, slutty thing. Bloke set her off when Mr F and I were in the kitchen and she went straight for us, the miserable little bitch! The cat went into feline meltdown and I, luddite that I am, kicked her in the head when she tried to eat the lace of one of my Chucks. She didn't care. She just tooled off in the other direction into the dining room and started licking under the table. Homewrecker!

For a while, she was called Doughy, short for the Doughnut from Mars. But then I pointed out that she was also a bit of a gutter-dwelling skank who went about licking our floors. I mean, really! She sucks up crumbs and cat fur and dropped peas and tiny vestiges of nastiness from the bathroom. I just can't have any respect for her. She just seems to enjoy it too much. Bloke pointed out that she was also vacuous and the name Paris just stuck. We tried to get his mate to name his Britney or Lindsay, but I don't think he went for it.

Anyway, ever since she arrived, Bloke has been visiting the websites of other Roomba-owning nerds. She comes with a remote control, so one of said nerds dressed his up in green and played Frogger across a highway with her. As you do. I've suggested that Bloke teach it how to make his dinner of an evening and then I'll be entirely redundant.

But meanwhile, in other news chez Hack and Bloke, we've had the first ant attack of the summer in the kitchen. I dragged my sorry arse in from some Christmas booze-up or other the other night and found the kitchen swarming with sodding ants. I smacked hell out of three or four dozen of the little bastards, Baygoned a few dozen more and then passed out cold. Only to find them back on Saturday morning, wrapping their laughing gear all over my honey jar. No, that's not a euphemism. Shame on you!

Anyway, I'm not sure why, but I'm just not convinced that having an ant army attacking my kitchen is the funnest-fun-fun way of starting a weekend. Miserable little bastards. But at least when I smashed them into oblivion and their mangled corpses fell on the floor, Paris sucked 'em up.

Pity I can't send her out the back to suck up the arse-end of a mouse that Mr F left on the back lawn as either a warning or a loving gift. Oh well, I guess a vaucous tart can only do so much.

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At 11:51 pm, December 16, 2007, Blogger theianandanexpedition said...

What a dirty, dirty tart. I want one. The only thing is, it probably has more brain cells than Paris & co put together.

At 6:26 am, December 17, 2007, Anonymous ali g said...

Thank you for that're very very funny and have made my day. You should be on stage.

At 9:17 am, December 17, 2007, Blogger Milly Moo said...

GREAT post, Redcap - I've just got to hope and pray that my bloke - aka Love Chunks, doesn't read this or he'll want one.

As a meteorologist, he most definitely fits into the nerd category and he'd love a tart who can suck as well as Paris!

At 9:55 am, December 17, 2007, Blogger Lonie Polony said...

Sorry to sound like one of Paris's vacuous friends, but do they actually work? I mean, do a thorough job? Whenever I see them advertised I rather suspect they would trundle merrily about the house leaving swathes of unvacuumed floor in every room...

At 4:37 pm, December 17, 2007, Blogger River said...

My daughter would be so jealous. She's wanted a roomba since they first appeared on the market. Too bad it would get lost in the mounds of stuff on her floors. (floors are her main storage area)
Find where the ants are getting in and baygon that area, also doorsteps and window sills. And keep your honey-pot in the fridge.

At 7:20 pm, December 17, 2007, Blogger eleanor bloom said...

Ah. Someone is jealous methinks.

Well, at least she isn't hot pink and all sparkly.

You are so damn funny Red. Your blog provides such a valuable service! The provision of posts inducing laughter. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Sadly (do you recall how I treated cats as a wee tacker?) if I owned a cat I would definitely get one of these gadgets. Not for the cat hair, just to see the cat go nuts! Ah... As I've said/implied: Laughter is important. :)

At 8:50 pm, December 17, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

dan, you know, I think she probably does. Not that that would be very hard, of course.

ali, thanks mate :) I have a small problem, though. When I'm sober I'm prone to stuttering. That's why I'm a print journo.

milly, glad you liked it :) Yes, he does sound like he might be susceptible. There you go - that's what you could get him for Christmas.

lonie, much as it pains me to admit it, she does actually do quite a good job. They're designed to do five random sort of circuits of a room, which gets most of the stuff. She sets off the security alarm if she's allowed to wander around when we're not home, though.

river, I got complacent. I had these handy dandy little ant bait stations stuck to the skirting boards and I hadn't had any ants in the kitchen in about 18 months. Obviously they ran out. I've got new ones now, though >:)

eleanor, why thank you ma'am :) Cats seem to react differently, though. Bloke's mate has a cat and she started stalking it. Obviously thought it was an extremely large, circular mouse.

At 2:06 pm, December 19, 2007, Blogger PetStarr said...

That's just fucking fantastic!

At 8:28 pm, December 19, 2007, Blogger MikeFitz said...

Interest: START!

Recommendation from Bloke?
Geek mode: ENGAGE!

Recommendation from Red?
Christmas present shopping mode: ACTIVATE!

At 12:34 am, December 20, 2007, Blogger Original Mel said...

I want one. Now!

At 12:42 am, December 20, 2007, Blogger Ariel said...

WOW ... not sure if I think it would be a royal pain in the ass or absolutely brilliant. As we don't have much to break, I think brilliant is the answer ...

At 1:32 am, December 20, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

vacuous, dome-like, devoid of personality, homewrecker ... call it Megan.

At 11:11 am, December 20, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

pet, yet irritating at the same time.

mike, ha! Bloke had a good laugh at that too :)

mel, God, the Roomba people should pay me commission.

ariel, so long as it does it's thing when I'm not home, it's fine. Otherwise, I want to kick it into next week :P

anon, heavens, now who could you mean? Megan Gale, perhaps?

At 1:33 pm, December 22, 2007, Blogger phishez_rule said...

She sucks up crumbs and cat fur and dropped peas and tiny vestiges of nastiness from the bathroom

You got a puppy! That's so cute.

At 5:21 pm, December 24, 2007, Blogger River said...

Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

At 11:05 pm, December 24, 2007, Blogger Ms Smack said...

What a great idea! I didn't know they'd be so mobile!

I am currently babysitting a labrador puppy and he's doing a bang-up job of my floors!

At 10:52 pm, December 26, 2007, Anonymous Clyde said...

Yep, I reckon I could handle Paris doing a little sucking up around my place. You have to love the idea of random sucking where ever she goes
Hey Red, saw you over at Miss S's place
So you have the old bloke and the kids wormed once a month and the old bloke has seen the knife since the last procreation
Ah, treat them like dogs

At 9:39 pm, December 27, 2007, Blogger Sakura said...

Ahahahaha brilliant. I don't think you are allowed to laugh out loud in a library because I just got dirty looks from everyone here - but it was worth it.

Can you film the little skank and show us - to some porn music how she does here thing????

At 3:41 pm, January 01, 2008, Anonymous Teddy said...

Ah, there's some more housework you dont have to do---not all you need is an auto ironing machine and those self cleaning windows and life will be so much simpler.
PS--a cleaner is better


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