Tuesday, October 31, 2006

I'm thinkin' about my doorbell

It's Hallowe'en again. Boo yah. Every year, ABC Radio and The Traumatiser join together in banging on about the Americanisation of our culture and overseas traditions becoming a part of Australian life, isn't-it-awful-blah-blah-blah. Naturally, driven by the media frenzy, I expect hoards of children to come trick-or-treating.

So as not to disappoint said midgets, every year I buy individually-wrapped chocolate bars. When I first started preparing for crowds of ankle-biters dressed as ghouls and Spice Girls, I used to put the chocolates in a little bowl by the front door. You know, so I'd be ready. I'd even buy two sorts.

Naturally, the only time swarms of children have beseiged our door is when I have forgotten about Hallowe'en. Like last year. Completely forgot it. We didn't have so much as a Tim Tam in the house, so of course, we had trick-or-treaters.

Of course, they were opportunistic little bastards, but the whole thing was done in such a bloody half-arsed Australian way that if we'd had chocolate, they would have scored the lot. Here's how it played out:

(Ding dong)

Bloke: Uh, yeah?
Three lads: Trick or treat!
Bloke: (sceptical) Where are your costumes?
Lad number one: We've only got this fake arse (turns around, displays plastic buttocks worn over shorts)
Bloke: Hmm, fake arse, eh?
Lad one: (scratching) It's itchy, too. It's pretty hot out.
Bloke: (yelling) Red, there are trick-or-treaters here with a fake arse. Do we have any chocolate?
Me: (interested) A fake arse, you say?
Bloke: Yeah.
Me: Hmm, I'd pay that one. Sadly (and uncharacteristically), we're a chocolate-free zone.
Bloke: (sees random snack-sized box of sultantas on kitchen bench) What about this box of sultanas?
Three lads: Yeah, whatever.

Seems like a hell of a lot of work for a box of sultanas, but that's just me. I'm inherently lazy.

After last year's Fake Arse Incident, I made sure there were mini Mars Bars in the fridge tonight. But no matter how much I thought about my doorbell, no-one rang it.

Guess we'll have to eat the Mars Bars ourselves, then. (Hallowe'en rule of thumb: never buy chocolate you don't like.)

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16 Comments:

At 9:30 am, November 01, 2006, Blogger gossy said...

Last year I was unprepared, but had some leftover compounded chocolate crap from Easter which I gladly passed onto the 15 year old boys allegedly dressed as 'punks' who I feel were just passing by as opposed to 'trick or treating'. This year I was ready with some fruit and a prepared sanctimonious speech about the 'real' meaning of Halloween and the notion of general cultural imperialism.
But nothing happened. So I ate my kiwi fruit by myself and reviewed my speech for next year.

 
At 9:42 am, November 01, 2006, Blogger PetStarr said...

A fake arse! That is SUPERB!

And props for the White Stripes reference too. Word.

 
At 2:29 pm, November 01, 2006, Blogger Suse said...

A bunch of not very well costumed kids knocked here last night. We were not impressed.

They had to make do with a handful of dried apricots and raisins. They were not impressed.

 
At 7:58 pm, November 01, 2006, Blogger killerrabbit said...

A fake arse is genius! I wish I had a fake arse trick or treater, but instead there were some very lame ghouls at my door this year.

 
At 8:18 pm, November 01, 2006, Blogger redcap said...

Goss, how disappointing! You could have educateD some youngsters on the real meaning of Christmas... opps, Hallowe'en AND on the importance of eating fruit!

Pet and killerrabbit, I know - the fake arse was quite inspired. I wonder whether they were just wandering arond with a fake arse, or whether someone said, "Let's take the arse and go trick-or-treating"?

Suse, neither of you may have been impressed at the time, but take heart knowing that the trick-or-treaters will be nice and regular :)

 
At 3:52 pm, November 02, 2006, Blogger Rach said...

i had a whole box of crap ready to give to the kiddies, like: gold coins, snap n crackles..

Granted I didnt actually buy any of this crap - it was all leftovers from various parties.

But it was still good! And noone came to collect.

It'll just sit there till next year.

 
At 4:40 pm, November 02, 2006, Blogger foodkitty said...

Fake arse? In that case next year I'll head out in my plastic BBQ apron with the fake boobs on it - I only accept Lindt or better, but they know that from tone of the costume..

 
At 12:52 pm, November 03, 2006, Blogger Mex said...

i wish i had a fake arse...

 
At 2:31 pm, November 03, 2006, Blogger redcap said...

Rach: perhaps you could sneeak the gold coins into a busker's guitar case?

Foodkitty: does it have gold fake boobs like the ones Blackadder had? That would be very special.

Mex: ah, don't we all? I think anyone would like to have a fake arse at their disposal. You could use it as a novelty chip 'n' dip at parties. But Christmas is only a couple of months away, so we can all hope to find a fake arse under the tree on Christmas morning.

 
At 11:04 am, November 10, 2006, Blogger raoul duke said...

Mex, a word to the wise, a fake arse is not all it's cracked up to be. Ba dum tish. thank you very much.

 
At 4:35 pm, November 10, 2006, Blogger redcap said...

Raoul, don't you mean ba bum tish?

 
At 6:20 pm, November 13, 2006, Blogger Susanne said...

My friend and I used to do the half-arsed Halloween thing as kids. We were usually the only kids doing it, and no one ever remembered that it was Halloween, so we used to get random stuff like muesli bars and $2. It was cool.

 
At 1:04 am, January 24, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tish has a nice arse

 
At 1:05 am, January 24, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree

 
At 10:40 pm, January 25, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Right, Anon and Anon, (a) what the fuck is the matter with you people and (b) who the fuck is Tish? oh, and (c) please fuck off and die :) Now, yeah?

 
At 6:49 pm, June 21, 2007, Blogger River said...

364 days of the year we teach our children not to take candy from strangers. on Halloween we send them out to do just that........

 

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