Oops, I did it again...

No, I'm not Britney Spears. Thank Ford, because then I'd be married to Kevin Federline and I think I'd rather set my hair on fire. I have, however, found another one of those handy, dandy mail order crapalogues that I love so much. It fell out of a food magazine I was reading (which tells me the target demographic of that mag is Not Me). I tried to resist, really I did, but good ol' Bright Life Australia caught my attention with this eye-catching product:

Uh, you want me to put what on my shoulder?!

As you can see, it's a personal massager. It's deep and satisfying, it gives a penetrating massage, stimulates the circulation and makes you feel good. And look! It's just like going to Subway - it comes in 7 inches or 9.5 inches. Obviously the 9.5 inch one is for people with bigger shoulders.

But now comes the really awkward part: who wants to be the one to tell Auntie Ethel she just bought a dildo?

When I had a closer look at their catalogue, the good folk at Bright Life turned out to have lots of great products. For example, the Ready Relief Bottle:

Just like a catering pack of sauce, only without the sauce

We've all seen them in hospitals and obviously many of us have thought, "Gee, I'd really like one of those old man wee bottles. Wonder where I can get one?" Relax - the search is over. And isn't it unobtrusive, in that vibrant fire engine red? You could tie it to the back of your backpack for use on those long Asian train journeys and no-one would suspect a thing. You could even use it on the bus on the way to work. It looks just like... well, a bright red old man wee bottle with a white lid. But of course, it's not only for the chaps, because they've thoughtfully provided a ladies' attachment.

"Don't forget to sit down when you take a pi-iss!"

Am I the only one who thinks that ladies' attachment might just be on upside down and could result in a horrid, horrid mess if used that way? Really, I suppose it wouldn't make much difference which way you turned it. I know it's disappointing, girls, but old man wee bottles just aren't for us. There must be something else in the catalogue that we can buy.

Ooh, what about an Un Bra? I've always wanted a pair of swimming goggles for my boobs.

It doesn't say anything about having to lick them before you put them on, but that must be in the fine print instructions:

1. Lick the inside of your Un Bra
2. Suction the little bugger on!

If you threw it at a window, would it crawl down like one of those rubber worms from the '80s? I'm also a little worried about the model's nipples. Where did they go? Did the boob goggles eat them? Or were they pulled off in a horrible accident the last time she tried to get the boob goggles off? Maybe I don't want an Un Bra after all...

Hang on! Just when things were looking a bit unfun, along comes the Jumbo Face/Butt Towel!

Someone must have used up about three years' worth of willpower not to call this wonderful product the Big Buttface Towel. Hats off, whoever you are - I'm not sure I could have done it. Also, why is Miss Face wearing a bra while Mr Butt appears to be wearing an Alice band in his hair? Just one of the mysteries of Bright Life, I guess.

There are some other cracker products in the catalogue, of course. Incontinent? Don't worry, they've got big, super absorbent undies for men and women. Bunion on your toe? Bunion Brace is just what you need. Nasty calluses on your heels? Callus Remover can help. I think. It looks like a very small electric sander, and while it claims to be "safe and painless", it also claims that it "smoothes skin instantly". Gah! Keep it away from me! There are nose hair shavers, slimmer panties that make Bridget Jones's big knickers look like something from Victoria's Secret and a lovely line in red tartan flannel nighties with white lace trim.

Inexplicably, there are also these weird things called Tree Faces scattered through the catalogue. The come in a variety of styles. Meet Charlie the Friendly Tree Face:

More than one tree? Don't worry! You can also get:

• Peter the Naughty Tree Face: he's poking out his tongue - isn't he cheeky?
• Kitty Tree Face: a birdfeeder in the shape of a cat (ooh! irony! I love irony!) and
• Frog Tree Face: a Kermity-sort of face which has legs, but no body - go figure.

Somebody seems to have spent way too much time fixated on the Lord of the Rings.
"Hey, wouldn't it be really, really cool if Ents were, like, real, man? I mean, like, if we all had Ents in, like, our backyards?"
"Oh, yeah, man! That'd be wicked. Hey, can you pass the bucket bong, man? And the Tim-Tams? Cool."

When Christmas Eve comes around and you haven't done any shopping, don't blame me. I've given you some absolutely fabulous present ideas over the past few weeks, what with Bradford and Centurymail. If you choose to ignore them, I wash my hands of you.