Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Short and sour

I'm declaring war on shorts. I'm not quite sure how to go about it, though. Does it have to be done in writing through the UN? Do I have to make some sort of grand gesture, like Hitler did when he invaded Poland? Or could it be as simple as walking up to Bec Hewitt and slapping her face with a glove?


Shorts: just say no

I'm not suggesting all shorts are bad - just most of them. Shorts have their place and that's called the beach. And if you're exercising or involved in some sort of sporting activity, then by all means wear shorts. I don't want anyone to be deprived of the sight of nice fit young AFL boys in their shorts, nor do I wish anyone to die of heat exhaustion because they've been forced to run a marathon in sweat pants.

Similarly, I don't care what you do at home. Wear your shorts, if you like. Hell, you can wear a Star Trek uniform, full Klingon make-up and a pair of legwarmers, for all I care. However, if you are going to leave the house, please, please spare a thought for other people.

There were shorts around in autumn and spring, much to my disgust, but now the first flush of summer is here, there's an absolute rash of them. It's not a pretty sight. Hot pants, athletic shorts, formal shorts, cargo shorts, severely abbreviated trousers - each is worthy of a fashion crash tackle in its own right. Take tailored formal shorts, like those egregious white things Bec wore on Cup Day. As far as I'm concerned, it will never, ever be appropriate to wear shorts to the office unless you've been called in from a day off and have been forced to come straight from the beach. Neverthless, girls all over the place are wearing shorts to work with high-heeled pumps. Or, even worse, with boots. The horror! The horror!

Even comparatively inoffensive items such as drill shorts can become lethal weapons in the wrong hands. A few days ago, I saw a girl wearing a pair of black drill shorts that would have been perfectly appropriate for a day hiking. They had cuffs and tabs and pockets and metal buttons and suchlike, but had she teamed them with a Bonds T-shirt, a pair of hiking boots and a nice shady hat? No. She was wearing a pair of what could only be described as lace bicycle shorts underneath the drill shorts. The only thing I can think of is that she must have had some sort of psychotic break when she got out of bed that morning.

In addition to the fashion horror, there's the arse factor. It's a sad fact, but in these days of chips with everything, very few people's bums are worthy of being seen in shorts. If you're my size or larger, I don't want to see you in shorts. I want nothing to do with your cellulite, your thigh dimples or any rolls of jubbly fat that you may have decided to show to the world. Of course, if you're thinner than I am and/or have a bum like Kylie Minogue, I don't want to see you in shorts either. You'll make me feel like a barge-arse, so bugger you.

Then, of course, we have boys and shorts. Sigh. One of the chief offenders is the tradey shorts that ride far, far too low. (Speaking of which, ever read Douglas Adams's marvellous little book, The Deeper Meaning of Liff? Adams and his pals used to play an after-dinner game with an atlas. You let it fall open at random, close your eyes and put your finger on the map, then try to think of an appropriate meaning for the place name. For example, Ravenna: the poetic term for the crack of a workman's bottom that is visible above his trousers. But I digress.) Tradey shorts are bad, but who could forget those enormous baggy abominations that come past the knee, are available in a wide variety of camouflage patterns and come with sufficient pockets to carry an entire slab of beer? Are they long shorts? Short longs? Whatever they are, it's a sad fact that they make most men look like dwarves. They also seem to be the sort favoured by guys over 40 who wear Crocs and labour under the misapprehension that their young attire makes them look hip and cool.

So please, for everyone's sake, think before you short.

Labels:

21 Comments:

At 12:26 am, November 29, 2006, Anonymous Jacob said...

I'm not as offended by those shorts as I am by that incredibly heinous shirt/jacket combo.

Shudder.

But yes, generally shorts are bad. New rule: only attractive people with normal bone structure and a healthy, natural looking tan should be allowed to expose their legs in public. I know that probably discounts the entire universe (and me) but really, anyone who I see wearing shorts when Mother Nature gave them the subordinate title of 'you're fugly, cover up please' automatically gets a stern lecture and a brochure on why friends don't let friends wear shorts.

Wow, that was a long sentence.

 
At 12:56 am, November 29, 2006, Blogger Snoskred said...

I'm with you on the shorts thing. And I have already seen enough crack this summer to outfit an army of plumbers. Mostly female plumbers. And I don't actually know any myself. Are there female plumbers? Wearing lacy g-strings? There must be, I keep seeing their crack.

 
At 8:32 am, November 29, 2006, Blogger killerrabbit said...

Even when I was blessed with amazing pins I realised that shorts are remarkably unflattering. They dont do anything for a person's ass or thighs. When they are really short it does just look like you are wearing undies and a shirt, which again is fine around the house.

I will sign your anti-short petition and join in the war. First stop Supre!

 
At 8:36 am, November 29, 2006, Blogger Scorpy said...

I live in the tropics and shorts are a must...even in winter but WHY do girls persist in wearing boys 'Board shorts' and such? The local high school uniform is the same for Guys and Girls. A collared T and Long Soccer shorts in some shiny nylon type fabric. It is atrocious!!

 
At 10:15 am, November 29, 2006, Blogger redcap said...

Jacob, you're right - the top is truly hideous. Is it a singlet? A bikini top? A bandage? who knows.

Snos, gah! Visible G-strings! I feel faint.

Killer, I'll get the flamethrower, you organise the molotov cocktails.

Scorpy, sounds horrifying. Lucky it's the topics, though, or all that nylon could mean they'd be incinerated if they got near an open flame.

 
At 11:52 am, November 29, 2006, Blogger MadameBoffin said...

heh well while I've never worn those particular combinations of awful short-wear, I do wear shorts in public :) Hopefully it's not too offensive... they're just so comfy!!!

 
At 1:22 pm, November 29, 2006, Blogger foodkitty said...

I hate airport security checks - the belts come off and you see more great Australian crack than you ever deserve to...

 
At 1:46 pm, November 29, 2006, Blogger Javatari said...

Ban shorts for all I care, but any moratorium on tracky-dacks is a delaration of war.

 
At 4:26 pm, November 29, 2006, Blogger Ariel said...

Great post. I've been dying to hear an opinion on that revolting outfit of La Hewitt's since I first spied it last week. It's the shorts, the weird bra grafted onto top, the suit jacket - the lot.

But I do love shorts and wear them in public, I'm sorry. They're practical and comfy. But no, I don't think they are office wear or formal wear or should EVER be worn with heels. Or visible Gs.

 
At 8:16 pm, November 29, 2006, Anonymous Ms Batville said...

You feel about shorts the way I feel about thongs (and I know we differ a tad on this topic my dear). I am with you all the way on this one though.

 
At 10:50 pm, November 29, 2006, Blogger redcap said...

Boff, I suppose so long as you don't wear them with high heels...

Foodkitty, oh heavens, what a horrid mental picture!

Javatari, the old trackie dacks don't look too flash, but they are comfy and they do cover up all the wobbly bits. So long as they aren't those snap-sided numbers, it's all fine.

Ariel, heavens, can you imagine how awful it would be if someone was wearing formal shorts with visible G-string and high heels? Shudder.

Ms Batville, yes, sorry about my thong tolerance. I don't fancy the rubber ones or Birkenstocks, if that makes it any more acceptable.

 
At 10:03 am, November 30, 2006, Blogger Ariel said...

If Bec Hewitt turned around, I think you'd find someone already did ... (and yes, I'm shuddering)

What kind of Bogan Queen would she be without a visible G?

 
At 11:52 am, November 30, 2006, Blogger Steph said...

Don't come to Sydney. Shorts are all the rage here ESPECIALLY the tailored ones. Which i happen to adore :P
I'll be leaving now.

 
At 12:44 pm, November 30, 2006, Blogger redcap said...

Ariel, Christ, it's probably got little diamond-studded tennis rackets on it.

Steph, I was always manage to offend someone with my random hate campaigns. Sorry, man ;)

 
At 2:10 pm, November 30, 2006, Anonymous Teddy said...

Well, we are so pleased to be enligtened by such a fashion guru as yourself. Personally, I am pleased to see shorts with a nice pair of legs protuding from the bottom----not so plesed to see ample arses in 3/4 shorts--Ok, so Bec blew the whole thing by adding in the little "slapper" top and that slight bow in the legs, doesnt relly work-----
The real deal is---Shorts arent for everyone----but thanks for the fashion tip

 
At 10:50 pm, November 30, 2006, Blogger londongirl said...

Humn. I seem to be in a minority here... but I rather like the shorts and heels look. With one BIG proviso - that you have legs like hers. It was big in London this summer, though I didn't personally embrace it because I have legs like pillars and cankles. Damn.

But I am absolutely with you on hating the bum crack thing. I don't even want to see that on someone I fancy.

 
At 10:27 am, December 01, 2006, Blogger redcap said...

Ted, yeah, yeah, yeah - I never said I was a fashion plate. In fact, I'm a dag. But I still hate shorts.

LG, trust me, when you look back on the tailored short thing in 10 years, you'll be glad you didn't go there.

 
At 4:12 pm, December 01, 2006, Blogger Ariel said...

Had to share these sightings from Bridge Rd, Richmond today.

Morning: black short-shorts over black leggings

Lunchtime: black short-shorts over black lace footless tights

I shudder to think what the REALLY cool kids (and Neighbours starlets) are wearing over on Chapel St.

 
At 3:25 pm, December 02, 2006, Blogger redcap said...

Ariel, gahhh! That jogged my memory, though. I saw a chick in a pub recently who was wearing black shorts with red lace tights. The horror! The horror!

 
At 12:58 pm, December 03, 2006, Blogger Ariel said...

Red lace trumps black lace! You're ahead ...

 
At 3:23 pm, December 03, 2006, Blogger redcap said...

Well, it's something like shooting fish in a barrel in Adelaide, you have to admit. There's a pretty high bogan quotient here ;)

 

Post a Comment

<< Home