Short and sour

I'm declaring war on shorts. I'm not quite sure how to go about it, though. Does it have to be done in writing through the UN? Do I have to make some sort of grand gesture, like Hitler did when he invaded Poland? Or could it be as simple as walking up to Bec Hewitt and slapping her face with a glove?

Shorts: just say no

I'm not suggesting all shorts are bad - just most of them. Shorts have their place and that's called the beach. And if you're exercising or involved in some sort of sporting activity, then by all means wear shorts. I don't want anyone to be deprived of the sight of nice fit young AFL boys in their shorts, nor do I wish anyone to die of heat exhaustion because they've been forced to run a marathon in sweat pants.

Similarly, I don't care what you do at home. Wear your shorts, if you like. Hell, you can wear a Star Trek uniform, full Klingon make-up and a pair of legwarmers, for all I care. However, if you are going to leave the house, please, please spare a thought for other people.

There were shorts around in autumn and spring, much to my disgust, but now the first flush of summer is here, there's an absolute rash of them. It's not a pretty sight. Hot pants, athletic shorts, formal shorts, cargo shorts, severely abbreviated trousers - each is worthy of a fashion crash tackle in its own right. Take tailored formal shorts, like those egregious white things Bec wore on Cup Day. As far as I'm concerned, it will never, ever be appropriate to wear shorts to the office unless you've been called in from a day off and have been forced to come straight from the beach. Neverthless, girls all over the place are wearing shorts to work with high-heeled pumps. Or, even worse, with boots. The horror! The horror!

Even comparatively inoffensive items such as drill shorts can become lethal weapons in the wrong hands. A few days ago, I saw a girl wearing a pair of black drill shorts that would have been perfectly appropriate for a day hiking. They had cuffs and tabs and pockets and metal buttons and suchlike, but had she teamed them with a Bonds T-shirt, a pair of hiking boots and a nice shady hat? No. She was wearing a pair of what could only be described as lace bicycle shorts underneath the drill shorts. The only thing I can think of is that she must have had some sort of psychotic break when she got out of bed that morning.

In addition to the fashion horror, there's the arse factor. It's a sad fact, but in these days of chips with everything, very few people's bums are worthy of being seen in shorts. If you're my size or larger, I don't want to see you in shorts. I want nothing to do with your cellulite, your thigh dimples or any rolls of jubbly fat that you may have decided to show to the world. Of course, if you're thinner than I am and/or have a bum like Kylie Minogue, I don't want to see you in shorts either. You'll make me feel like a barge-arse, so bugger you.

Then, of course, we have boys and shorts. Sigh. One of the chief offenders is the tradey shorts that ride far, far too low. (Speaking of which, ever read Douglas Adams's marvellous little book, The Deeper Meaning of Liff? Adams and his pals used to play an after-dinner game with an atlas. You let it fall open at random, close your eyes and put your finger on the map, then try to think of an appropriate meaning for the place name. For example, Ravenna: the poetic term for the crack of a workman's bottom that is visible above his trousers. But I digress.) Tradey shorts are bad, but who could forget those enormous baggy abominations that come past the knee, are available in a wide variety of camouflage patterns and come with sufficient pockets to carry an entire slab of beer? Are they long shorts? Short longs? Whatever they are, it's a sad fact that they make most men look like dwarves. They also seem to be the sort favoured by guys over 40 who wear Crocs and labour under the misapprehension that their young attire makes them look hip and cool.

So please, for everyone's sake, think before you short.