Monday, January 22, 2007

Stuff you should know by now

1. You may not be able to see your own arse, but other people can
Strange but true! If I had a dollar for every person I've seen blithely rummaging around trying to pluck out a particularly tenacious wedgy, or scratching so enthusiastically they could be in training for the national arse-scratching team, I'd be JK bloody Rowling.

2. Freemasons make great scapegoats
It must be all that truck with secret handshakes, aprons and human bones. People will believe anything about them.

For example:
Person A: Who broke my favourite vase?
Person B: A freemason came to the door and before I could stop him, he rushed in, smashed the vase and ran away again.
Person A: Bloody freemasons!

Or:
Person A: Where's the remote?
Person B: That freemason who was mending the cooker must have taken it.
Person A: Bloody freemasons!

Etc.

3. Mixing your drinks will make you ill
If you've had three pints of Sparkling, a Jagerbomb, a fizzy beaujolais, two cardonnays, a flaming Sambuca and a creamy cocktail with a dirty name and you feel ill, do not whinge to me. I am not holding your hair.

If you're going to mix your drinks, at least stick to Redcap's Rule: if it's the same colour, it's (probably) safe. Beer goes with bourbon and scotch. White wine goes with Stoly, Havana Club and gin. Red wine will, at a pinch, go with cosmopolitans, but it's better not to push it. Pisco Sours go with deposed Chilean dictators, so I'd probably steer clear of them.

4. "AB" does not stand for "absolutely beautiful"
This is probably an Adelaide-only thing. The rest of you, thank your lucky stars and say an extra Hail Mary or something. An AB masquerades as food and is beloved of uni students and pissheads. It involves a waxed paper box, several forks, an arseload of hot chips, half a cow's worth of greasy yiros meat and a variety of reflux-inducing sauces, usually garlic, barbecue, sweet chilli and tomato. Separately, these things are innocuous. Together, they are lethal. A bit like Sonny and Cher, really.

Two cafes in North Adelaide claim to have invented the AB. One of the cafe guys says it stands for "absolutely beautiful". Any uni student who has lived in one of the two nearby residential colleges will tell you it means "abortion". I prefer to think of it as an abomination.

It also comes wrapped in pitta bread, masquerading as a harmless, tummy-settling yiros. I found myself with one of these monstrosities in hand late one night and took a bite, expecting refreshing salad and tabouleh with my greasy lamb. Nup. Chips ~shudder~ If you've accidentally swallowed strychnine, forget the Ipecac and get an AB yiros down you.

5. Low-fat ice-cream is crap
Low-fat ice-cream is just like the low-fat Mars Bars that can cause unpleasant gastrointestinal problems if you eat more than one a year and those weird-arse vegetable crisps that claim to be healthy because they haven't been triple-fried in ox lard. None of them is worth the effort of chewing.

6. It's called work because it's not meant to be fun
Until I can get someone to pay me handsomely for lying in bed and reading books, or possibly for blogging about rubbish like this, I will continue to believe this. Most jobs have their bright spots, such as wading through knee-deep flood waters and taking tours of chocolate factories, but these tend to be depressingly irregular.

7. The cat will demand to go outside any time but when he's about to throw up
Instead he will puke in your slipper. Where else?

8. The picture on the Crap Cuisine box bears scant resemblance to the box's actual contents
Mm, grey sponge with smudge-coloured gravy and khaki peas. My favourite!

9. Offal has no redeeming features
There is a reason it's called "offal". You could stuff it with crayfish and truffles, poach it lightly in pernod and put a nice creamy little sauce on top, but offal is still something's wee filter. Do you want to eat something's wee filter? No. Of course you don't.

10. The law of gravity may be optional, but Sod's Law is inescapable
Don't struggle with this whole positive thought crap. If there are two options and one of them is shitty, that's the one you'll usually get. See cats and slippers.

11. Sometimes you will get unusual Christmas and birthday presents
Like this:


Apparently, you shove a candle up his bum.

And this:


Yes, it's life-size

And this:


What's better than one resin tortoise? Two resin tortoises, of course.

Avoiding these gifts is like trying to hold back a tsunami. Just make a pile somewhere out of the way.

This has been a community service announcement brought to you by the letters "F" and "O" and the number "shiteteen".

Labels:

30 Comments:

At 11:33 pm, January 22, 2007, Blogger londongirl said...

Inspired post.
I like the theory of sticking to drinks of the same colour - this is something I have a fighting chance of remembering after a beverage of two.

Low fat stuff in general is crap. I'd rather have full fat custard half as often.

Re work. As Woody Allen said "If work was so great, they wouldn't have to pay you to do it" (I may not have the exact words, but that was the sense).

Cats puking in slippers??? eeeewwww... This is one of the many reasons I don't do cats.

And crap christmas presents - if you move house often like I do, you have a perfect excuse - they got "lost" or "broken" in the move. Until then, shove them under the stairs and hope no-one'll notice them.

 
At 12:04 am, January 23, 2007, Blogger Ariel said...

Those presents look pretty evil, though my ex's mother/son's grandmother gives me some shockers. Like a handbag made of bronze sequins dripping with dangly metal bits. And some tropical-design overall shorts.

The ABs sound shocking. Thanks for the warning - I'll steer well clear.

 
At 2:35 am, January 23, 2007, Blogger MadameBoffin said...

Had to learn no.3 the hard way :P I have to disagree with no.5, though. There's a Weight Watchers chocolate/raspberry ice-cream that's really, really nice.

And an AB? Learn something new every day!

 
At 7:52 am, January 23, 2007, Blogger Jo said...

Okay - WHAT is it with Adelaide and yiros? It's like the things-on-a-stick capital of Australia.

Low fat anything is rubbish. Except Vince Vaughn.

 
At 8:56 am, January 23, 2007, Blogger gigglewick said...

Hang on a minute. ADELAIDE is the "things on a stick capital of the world"? I am SO THERE.

Resin knick-knacks are a disaster though. I used to collect all of the horrid porcelain things gifted to me and put them aside for a day I was feeling particularly cross for a smashing session. However, those bloody resin things won't bloody break. It's infuriating.

 
At 9:25 am, January 23, 2007, Blogger jedimerc said...

nice... those wacky freemasons, getting blamed for everything :)

I'm glad I missed the 'AB' thing while in Adelaide...

 
At 9:58 am, January 23, 2007, Blogger killerrabbit said...

Well I know who we can blame for the delightful gifts. Those damn Freemasons.

 
At 10:03 am, January 23, 2007, Blogger Sloth said...

I am a carnivore and I must show a different opinion on 4 and 9.

The AB is a nasty looking piece of gear. But it is tasty.
It is the embody ment of a heart attack due to fat and colesterole, but it is tasty.
Very tasty indeed.
I think a yiros late at night is dangerous (just look at the VB add and the "lamb sandwich") But I will stand up for the AB on pure garlic sauce standing.
However I will recomend if chips and gravy are not your thing then stay away.

Now to offal.
I like kidneys. And I eat animals ones too.
True my dad had to trick me into eating them the first time, but I forgave him imediatly because they were so tasty. I even make a killer steak and kidney pie.
I have a motto, if its tasty I'll eat it.

 
At 12:20 pm, January 23, 2007, Blogger PetStarr said...

What are those two tortoises (tortii?) doing????

 
At 4:44 pm, January 23, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

LG, well, puss throwing up in my slippers was artistic licence. I don't own slippers. But he has done it in some inopportune spots.

Ariel, that eagle has to be seen to be believed.

Boff, even if a low fat ice-cream tastes OK, the texture is all fucked up. It's too fluffy and gelatinous ~shudder~

Jo, Adelaide is the things-on-sticks capital? I hadn't noticed. Everyone has yiros/kebabs, don't they? And all the Royal Shows have dagwood dogs. I can't think of anything else that comes on a stick apart from ice0creams...

Gigglewick, I know. I found out the hard way too :P

Jedi, think yourself lucky. I think an AB is actually worse than a pie floater. It's at least on par.

KR, no, I'm afraid it's the Outlaws.

Sloth, no, a yiros is a wonderful thing. Pack it with garlic sauce and tabouleh and it's a little wrapped up bit of heaven! But don't be talking to me about your filthy offal-eating habits. La la la! I'm not listenING!

Pet, it's meant to be a touching scene of tortoise family togetherness. Get your mind out of the gutter!

 
At 5:39 pm, January 23, 2007, Anonymous meva said...

It's a terrible thing when people you love have terrible taste. Sometimes it's hard to remember to drag out the ornate, heart encrusted tin photo frames or the curlicued garish wall clock when they come to visit.

p.s. Bloody blogger won't let me sign in. OR get to my own page.

 
At 7:35 pm, January 23, 2007, Blogger Original Mel said...

Mmmmmmm, Jagerbomb. They go with anything and everything, in my experience, except the ability to get up at 7am to be on time to work. But who needs such frivolous pursuits when one can drink Jagerbomb all day long.

Oh to be a uni student qagain, when Jagerbombs wer the drink du jour.

 
At 10:04 pm, January 23, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Meva, I've given up. There were some horrific cushions the belonged in a Victorian-era brodello. There was the Lord of the Canyon plate from Franklin Mint (another eagle). There was the fondue set. There are just too many things to hide and bring out!

O-Mel, I've never been able to love Red Bull. It smells like cough syrup...

 
At 3:14 am, January 24, 2007, Blogger Dot said...

i always thought that about offal too!

however, this AB sounds like yum. thanks for giving me one reason for visiting Adelaide.

 
At 12:37 pm, January 24, 2007, Blogger audrey said...

ABs are a mini trip to heaven. All that juice and grease....

 
At 9:27 pm, January 24, 2007, Blogger Scorpy said...

You can't sit in your own lap either!! I thought Adelaide invented the Pie Floater and that ice cream they sell at the picnic races :)

 
At 9:16 am, January 25, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Dot, OK, but don't say I didn't warn you!

Audrey, euww, grease, euww, juice! Maybe the AB itself isn't as bad as the AB yiros...

Scorpy, true, but have you ever tried to sit in your own lap? I know we invented the pie floater, but not sure about the ice-cream. Do you mean the Dixie Cups that you eat with a little wooden paddle?

 
At 11:58 am, January 25, 2007, Blogger Scorpy said...

There used to be some special cream or ice cream at Clare...can't remeber what it was but the region was famous for something other than being Clare :)

 
At 3:55 pm, January 25, 2007, Anonymous ThirdCat said...

I think scorpy speaks of Giant Twins. By Golden North.

 
At 4:11 pm, January 25, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Third Cat, I was thinking it might be Golden North. A Giant Twin is an extremely fine thing, especially the combination strawberry and vanilla ones. Yurm.

 
At 7:01 pm, January 25, 2007, Blogger Steph said...

That drink idea is excellent! I'm gonna try and colour co-ordinate my grog. Will make for boring spew though.

Low fat ice-cream is like eating coloured water. Bleh!

Never heard of that AB thing, but next time I'm in Adelaide, I'm so gonna have one.

 
At 10:29 pm, January 25, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Steph, there is no such thing as boring spew. Believe me, the Colour Coding Goddess - I know. You might think that's carrot, but it's actually stomach lining : P Feel free to go the AB, but Do Not Blame Me when you're throwing up in a bin in North Adelaide. So not my fault, yeah?

 
At 12:44 pm, January 26, 2007, Blogger Helen said...

Hooray! Now I can comment on your blog! (Couldn't before)

offal is still something's wee filter. Do you want to eat something's wee filter? No. Of course you don't.

Redcap, that is exactly it. I was an enthusiastic eater of kidneys and liver until I started thinking about the wee (and other things) filter issue. (I originally thought you meant wee filter in the scottish sense, but now I realise what you meant.)

I also liked brains but the emergence of prion diseases put me right off that.

Stupid thinking. Gets you every time.

 
At 1:48 pm, January 26, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Helen, hurrah for being able to comment! Blogger's a bugger like that sometimes, isn't it? I couldn't comment on anyone's blogs for about two weeks and it made me feel all persecuted and left out.

You're right. Stupid thinking does get you every time. Bloody principles will get you too. For example, veal tastes fantastic but you just can't eat it because it's mean. Maybe they could come up with a new name for it. Miniature beef, perhaps.

 
At 3:06 pm, January 26, 2007, Blogger Hannah said...

GREAT post. My boyfriends moved within 200m of the AB cafes about 2 months ago, but I still haven't worked up the nerve (or drunkenness) to have one yet.

Also, that girly girly pink chandeliery hairdressers? Is that the one down Semaphore Rd?? If so, I've thought of trying it out but then I get scared of all the pink and go op-shopping across the road instead. Thanks for the tip..

 
At 7:52 pm, January 26, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Hey Hannah. Spot on. It is indeed Pink Fizz Style Lounge. I mean, really, since when did a hairdressing salon become a style lounge? And what is a style lounge? Does one sit on couches looking groovy? Pfft. It was, however, the place across the road that gave me the lousy do. I'd probably say stick to the op shops and cafes and forget about getting a haircut on Semaphore Rd.

 
At 8:44 pm, January 27, 2007, Blogger Lazy cow said...

I always thought AB stood for Allan Border, but then I'm a cricket hag from way back.

 
At 2:24 pm, January 28, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Lazy, Alan Border is far more acceptable than the (allegedly) edible AB.

 
At 9:17 pm, February 14, 2008, Blogger Jooli said...

Hi redcap and hannah, I too had a bad hair experience at the place across the road from Pink Fizz Style Lounge and so decided to try out Pink Fizz. Jaime is fantastic in there, great cut and colour and although the decor is a bit girlie (which isn't a bad thing really anyway) the prices are good and the staff really nice. It is worth a try and a great way to keep things local. Worth a shot girls!

 
At 12:24 am, March 17, 2008, Anonymous Ammy said...

Being from Adelaide I feel it is my right to stick up for an AB.

It truly is a beautiful thing, the only decision I ever have to make about it is if i'm going to get it from blue and white burger or north adelaide burger.

tough.. tough.. decsions.

 

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