Saturday, May 19, 2007

History never repeats... pfft! Who am I kidding?

Sorry to those of you who just brought up you your breakfast/lunch/evening bucket of gin and tonic at the sight of that picture. I realise that it looks like chicken bones wrapped in black cling-film and jammed into some Barbie shoes. Believe me, I feel your pain, but it was the first picture I found and in my usual fashion, I said, "Fuckitthatlldo". In any case, scrawny models, though rife, are not the reason for the big bundle of wild I'm carrying around at the moment.

The problem is leggings. Of course.

I know that in the scale of world horrors, leggings are fairly minor. I know I should be worried about human rights abuses in Dafur and people starving in Zimbabwe, and I am. But I also realise that those problems are too big for one blogger to solve with the application of some angry, even if it is applied with a shovel. Leggings, on the other hand, aren't. Or at least they shouldn't be. There's no reason why I can't rid the world of skanky footless tights if I just concentrate hard enough. ("Use The Force, red..." Oh, thanks Obi Wan! Does it matter if I'm on the Dark Side, though?)

There's also the small matter of the number of times in a day that the leggings problem is thrust under my over-large snotter. Strike me down, but I usually only think about Dafur and Zimbabwe when I'm reading a newspaper or having a thinking sort of discussion. Leggings, on the other hand, I can't seem to escape.

I wander out at lunchtime and what do I see? Leggings. On the train into work, mildly hungover and in need of a bacon and egg roll? Leggings. On the way home? Leggings. In the lift up to my unreasonably high-off-the-ground new desk? STINKING LEGGINGS!

I should point out that I have no problem with opaque stockings. I love opaque stockings when they actually hide a person's feet and are worn with a skirt of crutch-covering length. And I love knee-high boots. They're great too. In fact, I love all boots. A girl can't have too many pairs of boots.

But leggings. I was there for leggings the first time and I was rather attached to them then. Huzzah for leggings in the late '80s and early '90s. Sadly, they sort of lost their appeal after the 894th time that I saw them stretched across an arse that was wider than my fridge and attached to a tundra of rippling thigh jubbles. But then, mercifully, they vanished, apparently banished to gyms, where the sun don't shine and I don't visit.

But just when I thought we had moved on as a society, up they bobbed again like that fibresome turd that just won't flush no matter how much bum-fodder you put on top of it or how many times you jab the button. Footless tights, 3/4-length tights, tights with little bits of nylon lace, patterned cropped tights, full-length leggings that are solid enough to hide your minge if you've gone commando - damnit, they're everywhere!

Why is this happening again? Isn't this like introducing the cane toad to Queensland - didn't we learn the first time? And why are footless tights being layered up with just about every random wardrobe item anyone can think of? Formal shorts? Check. Hot pants? Check. Mini skirts. Boots. Shorts and boots. Tunicky things worn over mini-skirts worn over three-quarter leggings worn with knee-high boots and one of those under-tit back brace belts and a floppy newsboy cap thrown in for good measure. The permutations are horrifying and endless.

Apparently, every time a child claims to not believe in fairies, a fairy dies. So if we all say together, "I don't believe in footless tights!" then perhaps pairs of leggings will start to spontaneously combust on Hill's hoists all over the country.

I really hope it works. Otherwise, the only option is loading up the flamethrowers and heading for Supre and Sportsgirl and no-one really wants to do that. All those synthetic fibres could produce a firestorm on a similar scale to the Great Fire of London and I don't want to be responsible for that crap.

Oh, and while I'm venting my grouch, could all you girls with cutesy little pirate delusions please stop tucking your skinny jeans into your knee-high boots? Even if you are tiny, you do not look like Keira Knightley and you will not be shagging Johnny Depp or Orlando Bloom any time soon. You just look silly. And if you are my size or larger, you will never be shagging Johnny or Orlando because skinnies make you look like a barge-arse, yet you obviously haven't twigged to this.

This has been a community service announcement in the name of fashion sanity.

Labels:

49 Comments:

At 1:16 am, May 20, 2007, Blogger Snoskred said...

wow, that's a powerful force you have there.. :)

http://tinyurl.com/2txr2x

 
At 5:59 am, May 20, 2007, Blogger londongirl said...

I had a particularly nasty close up of a very wide girl walking past the car (traffic) yesterday - glad in leggings (gah), very short mini skirt and hoodie. Even my dad was appalled. I hate leggings. If you're like twiggy and you're at a fashion show, maybe. On Croydon high street, forget it. I don't want to see anyone else's cellulite, ever, thanks.

 
At 11:47 am, May 20, 2007, Blogger PetStarr said...

Um... I just bought my first pair of leggings three days ago. I thought of you, redcap.

 
At 12:41 pm, May 20, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

snos, that's the force of the grouch ;)

LG, Vicky Pollard, eh? What a horrid thought.

pet, I'll pretend you didn't say that.

 
At 2:19 pm, May 20, 2007, Blogger The Man at the Pub said...

Ha! I knew it! I always knew you were evil Red!

But I can empathise with you. I'm thinking of founding APSAV, the Anti-Polo Shirt Association of Victoria.

 
At 2:30 pm, May 20, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Golly, Mr Pub - you say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing! ;)

 
At 2:54 pm, May 20, 2007, Blogger JahTeh said...

Being a fat fattie with fat fattie legs, it intrigues me when watching other fatties wearing leggings why the leggings don't start rolling up over the fattie legs. What mysterious force keeps them down instead of zooming upwards into two tourniquets that will turn the legs blue, green and gangrenous?

 
At 4:09 pm, May 20, 2007, Blogger Ariel said...

Um ... (to echo Petstarr's trepidation here) ... I love leggings (under skirts/dresses, with boots). Sorry. They enable one to wear a skirt/frock in all kinds of weather, and ride a bike wearing a skirt/frock without worrying about said skirt/frock flicking up. I hope you will still respect me in the morning.

 
At 5:41 pm, May 20, 2007, Blogger Eleanor Bloom said...

Hello. Gosh, I must say you (and that gentleman at the pub) are making me feel rather ancient today!
I too am unsettled by the ubiquitous reappearance of leggings. It’s like my youth coming back to haunt me (and that’s never a good thing).
(I made reference to ye olde Soundgarden in my blog today - will Gen Y even know who I mean??!)
Oh these reminders of my age are depressing. I’m off for a nanna nap…

 
At 6:51 pm, May 20, 2007, Blogger Rosanna said...

If you weren't my secret lover beforehand, you are now. My goodness -I HATE LEGGINGS. I hate leggings with pinafores. I hate leggins as leggings. I hate leggings with ankle boots.

In fact, leggings should. be. banned.

 
At 6:52 pm, May 20, 2007, Blogger Rosanna said...

you look like a barge-arse

You're channeling my inner Zen!

 
At 7:05 pm, May 20, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

jahteh, I think that over-stretched leggings are more likely to suffer terminal blow-outs than anything. I've occasionally worried that the seams of my Levi's might just explode one day.

ariel, la la la! Not listening! ;)

eleanor, I have to admit that I managed to completely miss the phenomenon that was Soundgarden. And I'm slightly older than you ~hangs head in shame~

rosanna, he he he. How does anyone here know that we aren't one and the same person? Has anyone ever seen us in the same room? With gigglewick and killer rabbit, we could be blogruplets ;)

 
At 8:06 pm, May 20, 2007, Blogger The Blakkat said...

Here! Hear! And while you're at it could you turn your powers of bad fashion abolishment to smocks? Sacks.., I mean smocks are smuckin' ugly. And as for skinny ankled jeans, Mr Pickwick anyone? H

 
At 9:30 pm, May 20, 2007, Blogger Lonie Polony said...

Thank God someone said it. I completely agree.

 
At 10:03 pm, May 20, 2007, Blogger Rosanna said...

I'm pretty sure they don't know yet, Redcap. Best to break it to them lightly.

 
At 10:12 pm, May 20, 2007, Blogger Ratty. said...

I am sorry, I don't know the technical name for it but would these leggings be the sort with a bit missing where they meet at the top?
I think it is probably some sort of air vent.

 
At 12:12 am, May 21, 2007, Blogger Ms Smack said...

LOL you're hilarious!

I love the way you write!

I used to wear them when I was a young woman, ie. early 90's, but now, Nah. I"m too old for that shit. I did however, buy my daughter a pair of skull and cross bone leggings but she doesnt like them either.

 
At 8:48 am, May 21, 2007, Blogger kiki said...

is this you showing your age?

i don't particularly like them either, but fashion does run in cycles. i'm currently sporting a (beautiful) mullet.

 
At 10:26 am, May 21, 2007, Blogger Milly Moo said...

Hear Hear, Red Cap! Oh and please direct your considerable 'dark side of the force' energies to also ridding the world of those stupidly oversized telescreens that bimbos like to wear as sunglasses.... it's a wonder some of them can actually pass through door ways
MillyMoo

 
At 7:03 pm, May 21, 2007, Blogger gigglewick said...

Redcap,

I don't really care what other people do, but I know enough about the shape of my legs to know leggings are a BAd idea.

Mr Pub, may I join your association?

May we have our first outing to deal with the pubes on Chapel Street?

 
At 8:18 pm, May 21, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

blakkat, what on earth is the deal with those pinnies that everyone's wearing? It looks like they're ready for fingerpainting or playdough free time.

lonie, someone has to say the hard things ;)

rosanna, I think I've defamed poor gigglewick, actually. I hope she'll forgive me.

ratty, not sure of the exact word for those either, but let's call them porno pants, shall we?

ms s, thanks! You're so good for my ego ;) While skull and crossbone leggings do sound rather cute for a pre-teen, her blossoming fashion sense will stand her in good stead later on when people start trying to push puffball skirts on her.

Oh, kiki! A mullet - be still, my beating heart!

milly moo, I blame that personality vacuum Paris Hilton for the blast shield sunnies. Bet she won't be allowed to wear those in jail.

gigglewick, leggings wouldn't flatter my little trotters either. If only others had our self-awareness. And I'm sorry, but I can't let it pass - the pubes on Chapel St? Is there a plague of Ratty's porno pants? Worn with polo shirts? ~shudders~

 
At 10:41 pm, May 21, 2007, Blogger Snoskred said...

Hi, it's Snoskred here again :) I'm just dropping by to let you know that I read your blog with google reader whenever you update, and that I enjoy your blog. I'm re-doing my links on my blog, and I have linked to you in the sidebar.

It's my task for the day, so there ya go and now ya know ;)

 
At 7:55 am, May 22, 2007, Blogger delamare said...

Those dreaded leggings should not be seen on anyone over the age of ten. And that goes for pinnies too.

As well as long all kinds of wrong on ladies (ahem) with the larger leg, they also ridiculous on people with very skinny legs, as your carefully selected picture shoes. At least when we wore them the first time around back in the 20th century, our legs were not too skinny and not too fat (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha).

 
At 8:07 am, May 22, 2007, Blogger Jo said...

I'm going to incur your wrath, too. I have two pairs.
Do I get any points back if I say I never, ever wear them with ballet flats, smocks, or micro-minis?

 
At 8:35 am, May 22, 2007, Blogger killerrabbit said...

Ahh redcap - I am also a fan of the legging as they help when riding my bicycle. But I notice I only seem to wear them tucked into a boot so in a way they are like even more opaque stockings.

I also own a smock because it means I don't have to suck my tummy in. I'm all for maternity dressing for everyone, especially the skinny ones, because then no one will notice that I am no longer sticklike.

 
At 12:53 pm, May 22, 2007, Blogger Food Kitty said...

I can't stand those smocks that make you look pregnant - gathering under the bust? Yuk, yuk,yuk, gives me a fur-ball.

 
At 4:27 pm, May 22, 2007, Blogger gigglewick said...

Redcap,

PUBE is a collective noun for boys in the latest fashion clothing (often wearing polo shirts), developed by me and my sister.

More about it in my post over here:

New words for a new millenium, Episode #1

http://sorrynottoday.blogspot.com/2007_02_01_archive.html

PS Word verification is, no word of a lie, fckkff

 
At 5:38 pm, May 22, 2007, Blogger audrey said...

Oh you are so right.

The tragedy is that perfectly reasonably sized girls with a few concerns about their legs think that wearing footless tights under a skirt will somehow make their legs magically invisible. They are sadly mistaken in fact, as we all know that footless tights simply make one's legs look like a pair of upside down water balloons.

As for smocks, could they BE any more unattractive? Scratch that. I think it applies to the entirety of this fashion season. Hideous.

 
At 7:18 pm, May 22, 2007, Blogger Sakura said...

OMG there is something seriously wrong with that photo - the chick needs to eat a kebab or two !!

 
At 9:12 pm, May 22, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

snos, ooh, thanks :) Will reciprocate when I get a tick.

delamare, you're right. Ten should be the legging upper limit. And dunno about you, but my legs have never been juuuuussst right ;)

jo, oh dear. It's the influence of all those modules, isn't it? Let's pretend those leggings never happened, ja?

rabbit, is that AN ANNOUNCEMENT I hear?!

kitty, I rejected a perfectly serviceable suit jacket the other day for just that reason. One button, under the norks? I don't think so.

gigglewick, te he! I thought you meant to type "pub". That's a very fine collective noun, I must say! And I think that you may just have got the best word verification ever. Winnah!

auds, yeah, funny about that, isn't it? I don't get the whole footless tights thing. As far as I can tell, the only reason for wearing tights (apart from not having shaved your legs or disdaining to go out looking fluorescent) is to save one's feet from bitey shoes. Wear footless tights, gals, and you'll still have to plaster yourself with bandaids. And yes, this is a mightily bad season for fashion. Bad season for wheat and citrus fruit too, so maybe it's dependent on rain?

sakura, you know what? I'll even shout her, if she promises to keep it down :P

 
At 6:51 am, May 23, 2007, Blogger Scorpy said...

LOL...I bought the LLs some leggings on the weekend...they LOVE them. They think I'm great :) Long live leggings as a cheap alternate to Ipods and mobile phones lol

 
At 11:54 am, May 23, 2007, Blogger Steph said...

Leggings do NOT look good on anyone! If you have slim legs, they make you look fat. If you have skinny legs, they highlight your knobbly knees. If you're overweight it's just WRONG all together.

But jeans tucked into boots? can't agree there, me hearty! I loves it much!!

 
At 3:41 pm, May 23, 2007, Blogger killerrabbit said...

Ooops no - no announcement just a slightly rounded tummy as I am no longer as lithe as I once was. I see how you could have gotten that though.

 
At 6:01 pm, May 23, 2007, Blogger Little Miss Moi said...

Dear halfhearted hack. When I was in London a few times over the winter, I noticed leggings EVERYWHERE. They didn't look too bad under the longer winter skirts. But it get scary when girls with flabby thighs (of which I am one) use leggings to disguise their thighs (which I don't do) rather than wearing sensible clothes (which hopefully, I do do). brrr.

 
At 8:06 pm, May 23, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

scorps, your LLs are allowed to wear them. They're cute on little girls. And I'm not surprised they love you ;)

steph, oh all right, wear your damned boots tucked into your jeans - you've got the arse for it.

rabbit, oopsydaisies! Sorry, didn't mean to cast nasturtiums ;)

little miss moi, I can see the attraction for keeping one's legs from freezing. But in Adelaide? Where it's about 20C at the moment and most of the leggings are three-quarter, I think it's definitely cellulite disguisation.

 
At 11:35 pm, May 25, 2007, Blogger JahTeh said...

I really really hate to do this to you but today it was stirrup leggings in high heel peep toe shoes. I took comfort (not much) in the fact that they were matching black and she looked too young to know better.

 
At 9:22 am, May 26, 2007, Anonymous ThirdCat said...

I'm so old I didn't even notice people were wearing them again! Or, more precisely, they started fading at about the time I stopped noticing that fashions change and so I never noticed they left.

 
At 8:49 pm, May 27, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

jahteh, oh Ford! Why?! Stirrups? Peeptoes? ~sob~ She probably had little leg warmers in her bag for when her ankels got cold.

thirdcat, I doubt you're much older than I am. I suspect that your mind is simply on a higher plane. I wish I had a ticket too!

 
At 9:59 pm, May 27, 2007, Anonymous Clyde said...

Well now you have joined the fashion police.
Now here is a little guy opinion
There some girls who look oh so dressy in a hessian sack and others that look like they are in a hessian sack no matter what they wear.
Ok, the leggins arent a great look from the guy point of view but jeans tucked into boots seems natural
Why would you wear the boots and hide them under the jeans
If you have the barge arse, you shouldnt be in the jeans in the first place
Hey, Marrian Morrison eventucked his pants into his boots

 
At 10:06 am, May 28, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

clyde, John Wayne was a cowboy and didn't know any better.

 
At 4:13 pm, May 29, 2007, Blogger Ariel said...

okay, I'm with you 100% on the stirrups ... that's a memory I don't want to revisit. Espcially with heels.

 
At 6:26 pm, May 29, 2007, Anonymous ThirdCat said...

Hey! I looked ace in stirrups. Stirrups, paisley and pointed shoes. I'd wear it again if I could fit into it.

 
At 8:19 pm, May 29, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

ariel, I could never wear them even in the 80s. For some reason, they were always too short, so they'd stretch and make my legs look like large chopsticks. Chinese chopsticks, not Japanese ones.

thirdcat, now paisley I could definitely go for again. I had a black and blue oversized paisley shirt that I wish I'd kept. I used to wear it with a black tube skirt and a wide elastic cinch belt and didn't I just think I was the kitty's jimjams?

 
At 7:42 pm, May 30, 2007, Blogger The Man at the Pub said...

C'mon Redcap! It's been 11 days already, and I'm bored right now.

 
At 2:18 pm, May 31, 2007, Blogger gigglewick said...

What TMATP said.

Also, tag......

 
At 10:04 pm, May 31, 2007, Blogger Ariel said...

Yeah, me too ... WE WANT REDCAP!

I believe I wore stirrups with a Minnie Mouse jumper and - I believe - a headband. And Addidas Rome sneakers. I was about ten. And that was NO excuse.

 
At 8:45 am, June 01, 2007, Blogger killerrabbit said...

Redcap - have you fallen down that big black blogging blank hole? Commeeeeee backkkkkkkk.

I used to be a Brosette!

 
At 5:08 pm, June 01, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Sorry, loves, the Phlegm Fairy has visited her snotty wrath upon me, so it's a bit of a case of "computer says no" ~cough~ at the moment ~snuffle~ Normal transmission should resume soon...

 
At 7:40 pm, June 01, 2007, Anonymous miss.b said...

isn't it amazing that people can look back on a fashion and realise how disgusting/weird it was, then jump right back on that bandwagon when it comes round again? i will never understand it...

 

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