Monday, November 05, 2007

Of spam, maimed spiders and odd socks

Yes, I'm still alive. Sorry for the silence, for the four of you who noticed. New job brain-drain, bloggers' block, etc. Now Bloke has cleared out for the Dark Continent again, leaving me here with only Mr Furpants for company. Le sigh.

For some reason, spam is really starting to sap my will to live. My new gig has put me on some mean mailing lists. Combined with a spam filter set so low that you could catch your toe on it and trip, I'm getting 1000 emails a week. I don't think I'm a prude, but being asked 15 times a day whether I'd like a bigger cock is starting to depress me. I don't want a copy watch, you must be stupid if you think I believe I've won 3 million euros and I have enough software/drugs/friends. Leave me the fuck alone.

Then there's the little four-legged spider clinging to the bedroom wall by Bloke's bedside table. He's been there for three weeks now. I poke him on a Saturday morning when I'm stripping the bed to see if he's still alive and he waves some of his remaining legs at me. Somehow, I can't bring myself to kill him, even to put him out of his misery. He's not hurting anyone and who knows what thoughts are running through his spidery little mind? Something to the effect of, "I'm only half the spider I used to be," I imagine. Or, "Fuck, where did you think I'd have gone? Down the boozer to get a pint and some crisps? I'm a four-legged spider, for Chrissake. A moth tried to eat me the other day. A moth. Oh God, the humiliation." And yes, I'm aware that 'he' is probably a 'she'. But my eyes just aren't good enough to turn him upside down and find out one way or another. Plus, I don't really care. It's a spider, man. I'm sure gender issues don't really matter to it.

Odd socks are worrying me more than usual at the moment. At one stage, there were four mismatched socks hanging around the place like spare pricks. And, to mix metaphors, it was a bit like the abusive drunk woman at the party: I kept waiting for her partner to show up to remove her. But how long should I wait? Should I just keep that odd sock for a couple of washes and then give up, as the Democrats must surely have given up on this election? And where the hell have those lost socks gone? Has the tumble drier turned carnivorous? Or is it a tardis, whisking them off to battle Daleks and Cybermen?

The cream cheese in the fridge is also highly problematic. I opened a tub of that ultra-low fat Philly gear a good three months ago, but it refuses to go mouldy. I don't want to eat the stuff - it's a good six weeks past its use-by date - but now it's become a test of wills. Will the cheese give up and go mouldy and give me the pleasure of watching a blue-green velvet spread over its surface or will I get bored and throw it out? Not sure yet, but it does make me wonder exactly what is in that no fat stuff. Whatever it is, it bears precious little resemblance to actual cheese.

Three bean mix is another thing that's been bugging me. Well, the lack of three bean mix, really. Sometime last year, three bean mix suddenly started turning into four bean mix. Chick peas began infesting perfectly tasty cans of beans. Ever tried picking out all the chickpeas from a can of beans before you put said beans in a pot of minestrone? It's a thankless task, I can tell you. One by one, the brands fell to the lure of the chick pea until there were no humble suburban three bean mixes left. I was desolate. I'd stand in the canned veg aisle at Coles, listlessly picking through the cans in the hope that there was a hidden stash. Every now and again, a few cheap-arse home brand three bean mixes do turn up, but then they disappear again. If I wanted chickpeas, I'd buy the sodding things. After all, I imagine they might make rather good slingshot pellets. And that yappy little dog over the back has been pissing me off...

Oh, and I've got another charming head cold. I'm beginning to wonder whether I have even two white blood cells to rub together. Six, six, six, six, any advance on six colds for the year? Going once? Going twice! Going three times - and sold to the lady with the false pelican fascinator!



At 11:23 pm, November 05, 2007, Blogger Sakura said...

Welcome back - I have been logging on to your page in sheer anticipation during my lunch breaks and at long last you are back.

Shitness about the cold though, hope you are looking after yourself.

I keep getting spam faxes at work god it shits me because it means that I have to keep pressing the fax button to receive it only to realise it is shitty spam faxes and not some important document from head office which means I am running back and forth to the friggin fax machine - maybe I should unleash some spam faxing back at them see how they like it.

Hope you feel better soon.

At 11:32 pm, November 05, 2007, Blogger Ariel said...

Hey! You're back! And the Bloke is off to the Dark Continent without you? Bad luck.

Ah, those penis extension spams ... the joys of a newish laptop and no workplace server is that I've been pretty spam-free for quite a while. So, commiserations.

Hope you're enjoying that new job.

At 8:23 am, November 06, 2007, Blogger Jo said...

At least you have your h... oh.

At 10:29 am, November 06, 2007, Blogger meva said...


Poor lame little spider. Are you going to start catching flies for it? Although they'd probably need to be partially digested if it's feeling a bit poorly. Maybe just cover them in spit.

I've had a sore throat for 6 weeks and I think it's melted my brain. But 6 colds in a year is a bit much. You must feel like a mucus manufacturing machine! Get well soon.

At 10:31 am, November 06, 2007, Blogger Milly Moo said...

Welcome back RedCap - I too was wondering just how long 'inappropriate muffin' would continue for...!

I can't beat your six colds for the year, I've merely had four - complete with infected and bleeding sinuses last week.

As for your poor four-legged friend who insists on hanging in there like the arachnid-version of the Gladiator, I think YOU should take him to the pub for a beer and crisps!

At 10:46 am, November 06, 2007, Blogger kiki said...

the odd-sock dilemma is one of life's great conundrums

being an early 20's male, i feel i can leave them for up to three months or just wear them odd
it doesn't really bother me too much

At 3:53 pm, November 06, 2007, Blogger eleanor bloom said...

Oh, the spammers are getting me down too. Not the least because of their stupidity. Who's going to believe that every day they win some new international lottery? I think of your trick of tomato sauce in the mail box... what do you think is the email equivalent??

At 5:29 pm, November 06, 2007, Blogger River said...

Yay! So glad you're still around. I was beginning to think you'd tried all the previous muffin ideas and were now decomposing at your dining table........

I hear you with the chick peas. They are truly disgusting and take ages to fish out of the mix.

At 5:29 pm, November 06, 2007, Blogger tonypark said...

Sounds like you need to be in Africa, too.

There are bigger things that four-legged spiders to watch here.

There was a puff adder in the annex of the caravan next door a few days ago, and last night something ate something else about 50 metres from the fence. Couldn't see who the killer and the victim were (lion v buffalo or baby hippo we think), but it sounded nasty.

At 5:56 pm, November 06, 2007, Blogger hazelblackberry said...

Yes, yes, yes! I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed that three bean mix has become FOUR bean mix. I don't like it one bit.

Glad you're back.

At 6:48 pm, November 06, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

emdsakura, thanks matey. Spam faxes? What the hell? So they fax you to ask if you'd like a bigger penis, just to catch the people without email? Technology these days.

ariel, I know. I'm a bit dirty about it. New job is good, thanks -just been a lot of things to get my head around. And a bugger of a lot of after hours things - I've managed to book myself for four review jobs this week because I'm lousy at diary management :P

jo, oh, I'm really just whiny. But I'm rapidly losing friends because no-one wants my germs du jour. Can't think why.

meva, I presume he's catching something, if he's still alive after three weeks. Possibly the odd ant is wandering by and he's grabbing at it with one of his remnant limbs. I never was one for pulling the wings off flies, so he's going to have to fend for himself.

milly, well, you have to admit that the menu did keep on growing! I think if I took him to the pub, there'd be a risk that someone would put their pint on him. Reminds me of that joke about the guy with the pet centipede, actually.

kiki, you're right - I should get over the whole matching socks thing. It's a bit of a fascist construct ;)

eleanor, I think penis enlargement spam is the equivalent of tomato sauce in the letterbox. I wonder what spammers think when their private inboxes fill with crap? "Touche", perhaps?

river, forget decomposition - the cat would have eaten me. Cats are like that, having no opposable thumbs with which to open cans.

tony, believe me, if I could be there, I would. That four-legged spider isn't quite my idea of wildlife. Himself does have to work while he's there, but the air base is also a wildlife sanctuary and has its own cheetahs. Hrrmph. I have to wait til January to go again. So, did you check out the leftovers this morning? Is that how you decided on buffalo or hippo?

hazel, I can't see why anyone thinks chick peas are compatible with other beans. They're crunchy, for Ford's sake!

At 6:56 pm, November 07, 2007, Blogger Lonie Polony said...

You blog how I feel.

At 8:39 am, November 08, 2007, Blogger theianandanexpedition said...

Chickpeas are just little farts waiting to happen. Can never turn out well.

At 9:13 pm, November 08, 2007, Blogger The Blakkat said...

Glad you're back. See we kept on checking...

Odd socks. I actually ended up with someone else's odd sock from when I collected my washing from the laundromat on the w'end. I took the sock back the next day and gave it to the Chinese laundry man who didn't speak much English and told him that it wasn't my sock. We both stood there and had a good hearty chuckle over the roaming sock. As to whether it's owner came back to claim it, well, I think you know that sock reunions are a rare and beautiful thing.

At 11:40 am, November 09, 2007, Blogger Hungry Hungry Hypocrite said...

The chick pea lobby is more powerful than you think G.

At 1:16 pm, November 09, 2007, Blogger Ariel said...

Four review jobs?! I am impressed. Bloody hell. Is that all for the day-job employer? Hope you get extra pay if it is ...

At 3:56 pm, November 10, 2007, Blogger ashleigh said...

G'Day, welcome back!

Re the colds: When first-born started day care (aka the germ factory), SWMBO and I alternated colds, week about, all winter long. We gave up counting after about the 10th or 12th. Week on, week off, for months and months. Not pretty. Builds immunity though!

Re the spam (esp faxes). I used to get spam offers to go on courses from some yank mob. Every week. i used to write on them in big letters (take me off your mailing list) and fax them back to the toll free number. Then I took to keeping them and joining them together to make a longer and longer page - I think i got up to 2 or 3 metres long. Each new one that came in i'd sticky tape to the end, then fax the resulting monster back. It worked, eventually.

Be nice to find who these spammers are and then sign them up for every quack cure and weird thingy that turns up in the RAA motor magazine. That'd fix them!

At 4:44 pm, November 11, 2007, Blogger phishez_rule said...

Just pair up the odd socks. Wear them under jeans and no one will notice.

And the philly. Give up woman. You'll sprout mould before it does. Or you could just eat it. It doesn't spread as well, but who gives a damn by this stage?

I didn't even notice you were gone. Does that make me a bad person? I see you on facebook all the time!

At 7:57 pm, November 11, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

hlonie, separated at birth, do you think? ;)

dan, ooh, you're so right, but it's more the texture that bugs me. Crunchy. Bletch. If they were that good, there'd be chickpea butter, just like there's peanut butter. (No, hommous doesn't count. Especially on yiros (that's kebabs, for you eastern states types).

blakkat, that's gold! It's nearly Douglas Adams in its perfection, in fact :)

HHH, you'se been an apparatchik too long. Stop talking about lobbies.

ariel, yup, all for da man. And no, no extra pay. Free tickets are generally thought of as a perk. But that doesn't mean I'm not shagged!

ashleigh, see, it takes the true evil of an engineer to really get the spammers good! Snaps to you for that 3m fax!

phish, I'm actually wearing odd socks today, but it was accidental. Le sigh. And crackbook is just easier, isn't it? All you have to do is update your status, send the odd gift and attack someone's vampire and it's all fine! ;)

At 10:25 pm, November 11, 2007, Anonymous MikeFitz said...

G'day Red, Welcome back.

(I would say I missed you, but, as you know, I too have been away)

Single socks: It's worse in our house. I have three sons; all in the workforce and all with identical taste in socks to me. Each of us has a sock drawer with about 18 unmatched socks. Whenever we need to assemble a pair (like, each morning) we have to hunt through three other sock drawers and pray that sock we seek isn't in the washing machine, in the dryer, in a dirty clothes basket, under a bed or, worst of all, on someone else's foot.

Also, someone who knows about these things tells me there is a parallel universe where strange single unmatched socks mysteriously appear in people's washing machines and dryers.

At 10:31 pm, November 11, 2007, Anonymous MikeFitz said...

Oh, and #1 son came up with the perfect plan to deal with spam faxes.

After his 15th fax from the local phone franchise offering him a deal he didn't need, he printed 4 fully black pages, taped them together in a loop, through the fax machine. He then faxed the lot back to the phone shop, continuously until they ran out of toner.

At 2:51 am, November 12, 2007, Blogger Nogueira Jr. said...

"We are free to be free
To make our own destiny
To shine like the sun
To become one
To hide under the moon
Under in the gloom
To run with the deer
To make worry disappear
To listen and to hear
To love and to fear
To make our minds be clear
To laugh and to cheer
To travel and to steer
In the path we have chosen
To be hot or cold or even frozen
We are free to be free
To make our own destiny
And to look back from the finish line
And to shout with joy and not to whine."
By Daniel Hooks

Blog: Brasil! Brasil!

At 5:49 am, November 12, 2007, Blogger londongirl said...

Good to see you back!! And spam is the devil - can you not persuade work that 1000 spam emails makes you less productive or something?

At 11:57 am, November 12, 2007, Blogger Ariel said...

Hmm, free tickets etc. are a good perk, true. You must be more naturally prolific than I am, though. These days the creative juices are running kinda turgid, so while the freebies would appeal, the need to write on them would make me think twice. You are a dedicated soul.

At 3:20 pm, November 14, 2007, Blogger The Man at the Pub said...

Why am I the only person in the world who does not get spam, except for a Mitre 10 catalogue every month? Just lucky I suppose. Or maybe they know I don't need viagra or a penis enlargement (I kid, I kid, though I won't deny it).

At 8:14 pm, November 14, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

mike, yes, you lucky bastard. Just don't mention the P-word and we'll be fine. I remember reading a little poem years ago that finished, "Perhaps the tumble dryer is a little time machine/That whisks them off but singly/To a place that knows no holes/Where they don't get worn or smelly/And have happy little soles."

nogueira, er yes thanks, I'll have a hot chocolate and two marshmallows.

lg, it does indeed make me less productive by sapping my will to live. I got a particularly offensive one today that made me wonder what the hell is the matter with people?

ariel, I'm shocking with CDs. I take them home and never write anything. My bad.

mr pub, obviously you have a good spam filter! I never get any spam on my home email, just my yahoo account and at work.

At 6:53 pm, November 18, 2007, Anonymous Teddy said...

Ok, I'm about to make you a very happy little Redcap----venture to Woolies at the Canal and you will find----gulp----Home Brand---gulp-----Three Bean Mix----Yay, Yay Yay


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