Saturday, September 15, 2007

Inappropriate Muffin

This is a little game I like to play on long car trips or when tipsy. The rules are quite simple: pick some revolting ingredients and design your muffin. Savoury, sweet, cross-over cuisine - it doesn't matter. The only requirement is that it be disgusting. It does have to food, though. No using snot and boot polish - that's too easy. And no human flesh thanks. We're talking inappropriate, not sicko-freak.

And of course, I'm talking about Texas muffins, not the English variety. You know, the sort you get for morning tea and usually contain yummy things like apple and cinnamon or blueberries or raspberry and white chocolate. McDonald's already has copyright on vomitous English muffins with its 'sausage' and egg monstrosity, so there's no point in trying to beat them.

So far some of my favourite combinations have been:
  • fritz (that's devon to all you Sydney-siders) and apricot
  • anchovy and crystalised pineapple
  • liver and onions
  • tuna and caramel
  • gherkin, mashmallow and poppyseed
  • lard
  • smoked eel and peanut butter
  • sausage and blueberry
  • strawberry and Vegemite
  • curry and boisenberry
  • fish head and Coco Pops
  • brussels sprouts and Red Bull
  • kidney and peppermint
  • tapioca and turnip
  • spam and plum jam (served warm)
  • cough syrup with crushed aspirin crumble (though this could be helpful if you had the flu)
  • baked bean and banana
As you can see, spreads are a rich source of inspiration, as is offal. If someone on Iron Chef would make ice-cream out of it, then it's probably an Inappropriate Muffin. If it's sick-making, it's definitely an Inappropriate Muffin.

Come on, hit me with your worst. I'm strong enough to take it.

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58 Comments:

At 7:32 pm, September 15, 2007, Blogger River said...

Kidney and Bacon
Pumpkin and Sweet Potato
Liverwurst and Chocolate Chips
Baked Beans and Mini Frankfurts
Tuna and Sultanas

 
At 7:34 pm, September 15, 2007, Blogger River said...

Chopped Hard-boiled Egg and Smoked Kippers

 
At 7:57 pm, September 15, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

river, oh yeah with the kidney and bacon & liverwurst and choc chips and tuna & sultanas, but I'd eat pumpkin & sweet potato, and baked bean & mini franks sounds like something I'd put in a jaffle! Smoked kippers are repulsive in themeslves, but they do kind of go with boiled egg. Maybe not in a muffin, though...

 
At 8:47 pm, September 15, 2007, Blogger Lonie Polony said...

Capsicum and slimily-prepared eggplant. Tame, I know, but two of the worst vegetables known to polony-kind.

This reminds me of Enid Blyton's Faraway Tree series, when someone ordered sardine icecream...

 
At 11:42 pm, September 15, 2007, Blogger The Man at the Pub said...

Licquorice and onion.

 
At 6:00 am, September 16, 2007, Blogger londongirl said...

coriander and marmite?

 
At 9:14 am, September 16, 2007, Blogger killerrabbit said...

meat paste sandwich spread muffin - it doesn't need anything else to make it totally disgusting

 
At 11:26 am, September 16, 2007, Blogger PetStarr said...

I think tuna and caramel is the showstopper - that's fantastic!

How about schnitzel and vanilla?

 
At 11:50 am, September 16, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

lonie, salty slimy eggplant would be every worse, I think. And I adore eggplant.

mr pub, oh that's really nasty! You could flame it before serving with a bit of ouzo.

lg, powdered root or fresh leaves? God, what am I saying. Marmite is enough ~shudder~

rabbit, meat paste is a travesty. Whoever invented it should be hunted down and drowned in a bath full of the stuff along with the inventer of fish paste.

pet, euww! Parmi or mushroom sauce, though?

 
At 2:16 pm, September 16, 2007, Blogger phishez_rule said...

Anchovy and vegemite.

Or anchovy, vegemite and feta.

Mmm. Tastes saltier than come. Or so I'd imagine.

 
At 7:19 pm, September 16, 2007, Blogger eleanor bloom said...

Lamb & Jelly Babies

Chutney & Peppermint Cream

Caviar & Custard


You know Redcap, this game really wouldn't help those suffering car sickness.

 
At 7:24 pm, September 16, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

phishez, I guess you might just as well have gone the cum muffin, really ;)

eleanor, euww, caviar and custard! People with car sickness will just have to cope, I'm afraid.

 
At 8:59 pm, September 16, 2007, Blogger Small Fry and The Seal said...

chicken feet and.. um. yuck. just the thought of chicken feet makes me feel weak. i can't go on.

small fry.

 
At 12:29 pm, September 17, 2007, Blogger gigglewick said...

meat paste haters of the world unite.

Continuing the theme....

Anchovy and chocolate chip

 
At 4:26 pm, September 17, 2007, Blogger River said...

One of my daughters suggested pickled herrings.

 
At 5:24 pm, September 17, 2007, Blogger eleanor bloom said...

Brains & Tofu would have a delightful texture.
Mmmm. Bra-a-a-i-ins.

 
At 9:57 pm, September 17, 2007, Blogger gigglewick said...

Raspberry and spinach?

Lychee and ham?

 
At 3:45 pm, September 18, 2007, Blogger Harriet said...

Redskins with soy sauce and cheese cauliflower.

Dijon mustard and Milo.

Have to say, caviar and custard gets my vote so far... :)

 
At 10:09 pm, September 18, 2007, Anonymous MikeFitz said...

Actually, I think I could nearly survive spam and plum jam. It's not such a long leap from those American favourites turkey and cranberry sauce, peanut butter and jelly.

I think American tastes have a lot to answer for. Maple syrup on the same plate as bacon for breakfast is just the start of the slippery slope, which zooms past Caviar and Custard and chashes into hell with Porcupine Pie and Chicken-Ripple Ice Cream!

 
At 11:08 pm, September 18, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

small fry, euww-huw-huw-huw! chicken feet! ~rocking and drooling~

gw, mmm, anchovy and choc-chip... Can I get that on pizza?

river, pickled herrings! Genius! Why didn't I think of rollmops or similar?!

eleanor, I think that you may just be the winner, miss. Is that fried tofu or just the squishy silken variety?

harriet, can't... breath... feeling... ill... ~sob~

mike, there's a place at Port Adelaide that serves pancakes with bacon, eggs and other savoury treats. I love savoury treats, but not with maple syrup. It is, of course, filthy and disgusting ~bletch!~

 
At 1:42 pm, September 19, 2007, Blogger eleanor bloom said...

Squishy.

Extra-soft silken.

Goes well with herring-flavoured yoghurt...

 
At 4:04 pm, September 19, 2007, Blogger River said...

Same daughter, tripe and peas.

 
At 7:29 pm, September 19, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

eleanor, herring-flavoured yoghurt frosting?

river, your daughter was made for this game! That's truly inspired.

 
At 3:56 am, September 20, 2007, Blogger knifepainter said...

Cheese and Custard

Cod and Jam

 
At 11:29 am, September 20, 2007, Blogger susanna said...

gherkin and honey. prawn and tinned peach. hmm. they sound pretty tame compared to some of the fish-themed ones, which are truly frightening.

have to say, i have a bit of a taste for the old yank-inspired maple syrup/bacon, peanut butter/jelly combos. i'm getting hungry, in fact...

 
At 3:28 pm, September 20, 2007, Blogger killerrabbit said...

Tea flavoured muffins with lovely crispy ants

 
At 8:17 pm, September 20, 2007, Blogger River said...

tripe and peas

 
At 8:19 pm, September 20, 2007, Blogger River said...

forget that last one, I forgot I'd already posted it for her.

 
At 9:29 am, September 21, 2007, Blogger peter said...

"pick some revolting ingredients and design your muffin" -- i find that hilarious :)

 
At 7:03 pm, September 21, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

knifepainter, cod and jam! Eyuck :) I do like your paintings, by the way.

susanna, I go through phases where I eat nothing but peanut butter and jam sandwiches made from multigrain toast for breakfast for weeks. Fluffernutters I just can't come at, though :P

rabbit, hmm, I'm not sure I'm going to pay that one. Are ants strictly food? Honey ant, maybe, but crispy little formic-acid flavoured ants? Harriet and I were debating it today and she suggested ear wax and giraffe poo might be an option. I countered with wig and choc chip, which in turn reminded me of a nasty incident with Petstarr and a suggestion of toenail and arsehole soup. But I digress.

peter, your mission, should you choose to accept it...

 
At 7:19 pm, September 22, 2007, Blogger Miss Smack said...

ugh, i was going to give it a go, but in the end, I had to let it go cos i was going to hurl.... great creative choices though heeheh

 
At 12:08 am, September 23, 2007, Blogger ashleigh said...

From tonights dinner table, trying to out-repulse each other comes:

Dried apricots, apple pancake, eggs, bacon, and chocolate.

Some of us felt that is might be quite good, though.

 
At 10:34 am, September 24, 2007, Blogger peter said...

ok then, i call my muffin the "rennet surprise" -- bite in to discover sizeable deposits of pure rennet.

further flavour boost could be supplied by seams of aspic woven through the bran base.

 
At 4:31 pm, September 24, 2007, Blogger Rosanna said...

Oh, I have nothing. You should all take a bow. I'll grab a bucket.

 
At 12:12 am, September 26, 2007, Blogger knifepainter said...

Thanks for the compliment redcap.

Were you aware that in the U.K. Muffin the Mule is not a criminal offence ?

 
At 12:04 pm, September 26, 2007, Blogger Jacob said...

Peaches and mayonnaise.

(omg, if I ever start a band, I'm going to call it peaches and mayonnaise)

 
At 3:29 pm, September 28, 2007, Blogger Hungry Hungry Hypocrite said...

What about mogodon mocha surprise - the flavours and side effects cancel each other out?

 
At 10:28 am, October 03, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Willy Wonka Nerds and Salmon.

 
At 1:36 pm, October 03, 2007, Blogger Steph said...

I don't think I can top that list until you throw in some cat food and maybe a liver or two.

VOMITS!

 
At 3:39 pm, October 03, 2007, Blogger Scorpy said...

I haven't got a 'make up' one but here is one I actually eat. Vegemite, lettuce and Cheese on white bread. I used to eat onion sangas as a little kid...no wonder I had no friends lol

 
At 10:40 am, October 04, 2007, Blogger Ariel said...

You removed your 'being sick' post? Wow, it must have REALLY been grossing you out. While kidney and bacon muffins don't ... ?

Hope you're feeling better.

 
At 7:11 pm, October 04, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

repulsive effort, everyone! :)

ariel, no, I took it down because it was yet another example of my whininess. And whininess is so unbecoming.

 
At 8:28 am, October 05, 2007, Blogger Ariel said...

Ohhhh ... I wouldn't worry about that. It's a blog, we all do it occasionally. And I thought you were whining in quite a charmingly offhand, entirely becoming way.

 
At 8:04 pm, October 07, 2007, Blogger raoul duke said...

capers and honey
mince meat and glace cherries

 
At 3:19 am, October 08, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I once made mustard and mixed peel muffins. Alliteratively awful.

 
At 8:06 pm, October 08, 2007, Anonymous ali g said...

-Lived in PNG for 3 years going back aways. The flour always had weavils in it and the houseboy was always scratching his bum whilst preparing food . so we invariably had poo and weavil muffins for breakfast. Tasted OK but didn't smell too good.

 
At 8:21 pm, October 08, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

ali g, ba ha ha! Poo and weevils! Not strictly food, but hilarious nonetheless. Well, it would have been if you hadn't had to eat it ~looks chastened then has another attack of the snickers~

 
At 8:10 am, October 09, 2007, Blogger Milly Moo said...

Baked Bean and Poppy seed
Vinegar and apricot
Sticky date and salmon
Rollmop and cinnamon
Choc chip and capers

 
At 6:30 pm, October 09, 2007, Anonymous Couldn't resist said...

cock yoghurt and vaginal slush

 
At 10:04 pm, October 11, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

You know, couldn't resist, I really do wish you had.

 
At 8:46 pm, October 13, 2007, Blogger ashleigh said...

Millymoo - Roolmop AND ANYTHING is revolting.

YUK.

 
At 8:46 pm, October 13, 2007, Blogger ashleigh said...

Oops. That should be Rollmop. A glass too many of the Red Ned did that :(

 
At 7:35 pm, October 18, 2007, Blogger DelightfulJen said...

White chocolate and heart

Rabbit and banana

I'd like to thank the makers of cat food for my inspiration regarding dirty meat products :)

 
At 11:30 am, October 20, 2007, Blogger PetStarr said...

DUDE! It's been over a month now, come awwwwwn! Write somethinnnnng!

 
At 5:20 pm, October 24, 2007, Blogger hazelblackberry said...

You know, she says in a tiny humble voice, I don't mind the McDonald's muffins - the sausage McMuffin is quite a good way to start a car trip.

Anyway.

What about soy sauce and clinkers? Or broccoli and mince?

 
At 9:51 am, November 01, 2007, Blogger Ariel said...

What Petstarr said! The job must be running you ragged, I guess.

 
At 9:41 pm, November 01, 2007, Blogger Nai said...

Chinese sausage (that indefinable 'meat' in fried rice) and raisins.

 
At 11:09 pm, November 01, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Sorry, guys. Blogger's block. When Raoul Duke starts abusing me by text for not posting, things are bad. I'm still here, staring at a blank screen... and,, of course, listening to the world's smallest violin.

 

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