The red flares of hell

Have a look at this this. (Sorry, couldn't get my embedding code from Google Video working, so you'll have to follow the link. Don't forget to come back afterwards, though.)

Allegedly, it's a Finnish music video from the '80s, but since I'm in the middle of reading Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, I'm prepared to interpret it as the result of a four day acid and mescaline trip in an interpretive dance class. I have no idea what the makers of this clip had in mind. It seems to be Star Wars meets Grease with some zany Wiggle antics thrown in. And drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.

So, meet Armi and Danny and their Androgynous Red Pants Dancers.

The Red Pants Dancers start proceedings with some sort of happy aerobics. Grapevine, guys, grapevine! Happy, happy, happy! But then into the mix wanders the hapless Danny. Considering the starfield screensaver behind him and his uber-blond pudding basin haircut, I think he's meant to be Luke Skywalker. In a medallion and a Pirates of Penzance Shirt. Danny starts whining about how he wants to someone to "love him tender" (does this involve a meat mallet?) and "be his sweet surrender" (Christ on crutches only knows what this involves). Armi appears next, looking a bit like the choirgirl lovechild of Sandra Dee and one of the Sweet Valley High twins. "How can I be sure you are not pretender?" Armi asks, smirking wholesomely all the time.

But never doubt that the Pants People and their red flares of hell are the real stars of this show. They have this funky little line dance happening that's either a mime of someone pulling a handbrake or something much dirtier. I think it's something ditier, because there seem to be some very suspicious hip movements. And they looked so clean and Christian! Tut, tut. Now we have a great multi-armed Shiva routine, closely followed by all of them suddenly grabbing their groins. Obviously they grab them too hard, because they all have to hop away on one foot.

Perhaps in response to the pain, they all start doing some weird stuff that I can't even begin to understand. Someone dances past with a mirror, someone else appears to be carrying a small dog and two of them seem to be having sex while running. With their bright red pants on. There's also a guy who is giving a fairly decent impression of Lurch from the Addams Family doing a Monty Python silly walk. Are the Pants People actually zombies? Or is this the free movement section of the film clip, to be followed by a nap and then a Little Lunch of brains and bong water? Instead, they all perform some drug-fuelled star jumps. Aw, aren't they energetic?

While the Pants People aren't looking, Danny and Armi take the chance to jump into their red convertible, drop the shields of the Death Star and float away into space. They may be about to be turned inside out in the icy void, but at least they've escaped the Pants People. Not that the Pants People seem to care, of course. They just give a cheery wave and pop some more uppers.