Sunday, June 03, 2007

Grumpfest

I’m back. The Phlegm Fairy has relaxed her snotty grasp just enough so that I can think coherently again. Hurrah, etc.

Gigglewick has kindly tagged me for a meme that was obviously made with snarky bitches like me in mind: 10 things I hate about other people. The only trouble here will be restricting oneself to just 10 things. As you may have noticed, I’m not prejudiced. I hate everyone.

So, I’ve have a big bowl of crabby flakes, I’ve got my angry pants* on and I’m ready to give it all I’ve got. ~flexes knuckles, cracks grumpy bones~

So, in no particular order:

1. Watching them eat
There aren’t many things I hate more than watching other people eat, unless it’s John Howard and stepping barefoot in cat sick at 2am. My perfect weight-loss video would be watching a 300kg man in boxer shorts steadily working his way through three dozen double Whoppers with cheese, while chewing with his mouth open. I would probably never eat again. If you chew with your mouth open, I don’t want to see you eat. The same goes if you
* talk while you’re eating and spray lumps of half-chewed chip onto the table;
* jam huge chunks of food in your mouth; or
* you’re shoveling in the grub as though you were stoking the boiler of a steam train.

Take it home and eat it. I do not want to watch. And don’t even get me started on people who can’t hold their cutlery properly. I’ll forgive you for poor chopstick style, since Bloke used to say I held chopsticks like someone who’d been brain injured. I’ve recovered now, thanks for asking, and can hold my own with the fiercest of dumpling snatchers.

2. Their capitalistic greed
Everyone needs a house. No-one needs an $18 million house. How many rooms can you use at a time? Likewise, a car is a useful thing, especially in cities with lousy public transport. A Ferrari, a Mercedes, a Porsche or anything else that costs as much as an average home, is unnecessary. Similarly, $500 bottles of plonk, $1000 shoes, $2000 jeans, $5000 handbags, $30,000 home theatre systems and $500,000 diamond rings are simply not necessary. There are children starving in Africa and you’re buying, what? A pair of shoes that you’ll be bored with in a few weeks? Yay, you.

3. Sharing the road with them
I believe in carma. It’s similar to karma, but it relates specifically to traffic. You let people merge in front of you, you don’t block side streets, that sort of thing. Just like the wheels on the bus, what goes around on the road comes around. If you let other drivers in, someone else will let you in when you have to do a zip merge. (I love that expression. It sounds like a submarine manoeuvre. “Zip merge, captain, zip merge!”)

However, I know how the Dalai Lama feels, because not everyone embraces my philosophy. Especially in Oddelaide, home of weird serial killers, unpalatable meat pie dishes and uncontrolled wankers of the road. There are arsehats everywhere: people who are unaware of the purpose of an indicator, people who speed up to close the gap when you are trying to change lanes, people who tailgate when you’re doing already 62 in a 60 zone. So while I try to practise carma, I would also like a backup rocket launcher mounted unobtrusively on the roof of my hatchback.

4. Their pack mentality
As one of my friends says, “Nothing is any good once other people like it”. And she’s right. I don’t care whether it’s tickets to U2, a football team, Ikea, Stella McFartney clothes from Target or any other danged thing that suddenly becomes popular. Make up your own bloody mind, for Ford’s sake! Fashion – just say no.

5. Celery
“Hang on,” I hear you say, “Celery isn’t other people’s fault! It's a vegetable!"

Yes, it is other people's fault.

If no-one liked celery, then it would fall out of favour. It wouldn’t be grown, it wouldn’t be sold in green grocers’ shops and it wouldn’t find its way into my Asian takeaway with such monotonous bloody regularity. It’s easy to mistake celery for a piece of cabbage or bok choy and once you’ve started chewing, you can’t spit it out, can you? No. Death to celery.

6. Low food standards
The average café/purveyor of pies/food court shop-filler seems to put most of their effort into making their food look good while completely disregarding the taste of the finished product. Why? ~throws self to knees, punching fist at sky~ Just because a dish is cheaper than $10 doesn’t mean that the noodles automatically have to be gluey, the soup watery or the pasta stodgy and overcooked.

And while I’m hating people for their food, can we please stop playing hide the chips? It pisses me off no end. And why does an ordinary schnitzel suddenly resemble half a cow, steam-rolled, crumbed and flash-fried? For some reason, if it isn’t schnitzilla and if it doesn’t overhang the plate, it’s just not value for money. I’d be happy to pay 2/3 the price for half the schnitty. Frankly, it’s off-putting to see something on my plate that could easily feed a family of four.

7. Their nut worship
I’m allergic to nuts. Not peanuts, because they’re legumes and not water chestnuts because I think they’re just a random vegetable saddled with an unfortunate name. But pretty much everything else that calls itself a nut will cause my throat to swell shut. Most of them also induce hives. As a kid, my mother suspected I was allergic to cashews and asked my old House-style doctor about it. His response? "One afternoon when you don't have anything to do, give her some more and see what happens." Golly gee, I loved that doctor so much.

So, I don’t quite understand why everyone loves nuts to such an extent that they put them in anything they want to look a bit schmicko and fancy. Walnuts are not necessary in salads. Pesto tastes great without pine nuts. Butter chicken is way better sans cashew paste. And having two nut desserts on a two-choice menu is just rude. It’s nearly as bad as then serving me a fruit platter when I have clearly requested the Belgian chocolate ice-cream from on of the nut desserts. Grrr.

8. Their rampaging self-esteem and sense of entitlement
I’m not quite sure how this came about, but suddenly every man jack thinks he is God. And not just a god: the God. They may be presented with dozens of reasons why this is not true – laziness, surliness, lack of application, poor marks at school, attitudes that are even worse than mine (and believe me, I could give attitude for Australia) – yet they continue to labour under the misconception that they can all be brain surgeons. Nay, that they have the right to be brain surgeons and that anyone who suggests they can't is just not working for them.

I blame the parents. And Paris Hilton. Sure, I only have to discipline a cat, but there’s constructive encouragement and then there’s encouraging your kid to believe in something that is never going to be true. And that latter is doing them a serious disservice. I’ve heard all that stuff about positive thought and encouraging good self-esteem and that’s great, but please, can we have some realism?

When I wor a lad, we used to live in a rolled up newspaper by t'side of t'road and every day we'd have to get up, before we went to bed, and lick the road clean with our tongues. When kids are brought up to believe they are the best there ever was even when they have fairly solid evidence to the contrary, then that’s really not doing them any good. As Cloris Leachman’s alcoholic mother character says to Tea Leoni’s highly unpleasant daughter in Spanglish (which is really rather a cute movie, I must say), “Sometimes, dear, your low self-esteem is just good common sense”. What's wrong with teaching kids to work hard to be the best they can instead of suggesting they just deserve it automatically? /rant

9. Their cursed ignorance
I’m a history nerd and I follow world events. When someone asks me a question like, “Was Germany involved in World War II?” or “Was there a war in Yugoslavia?” or “Where’s Japan?” I want to do them a serious injury. How do people grow to adulthood, breed, hold down a job and still be so damned ignorant?

10. The way they try to use my innate politeness against me
On Saturday, I was in a shopping mall. Icky, I know, but there’s a supermarket and a book shop there, so I can get Diet Coke, cat food and books in the same place and I only have to park once. Bite me, all right? Unfortunately, there are also other things in these hideous places where the sun don’t shine. Like charity muggers. When I went yesterday, I was crook, sleepless and miserable, but I dragged my sorry arse out to get needful stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah – it’s the world’s smallest violin playing “My Heart Bleeds”. I know. Anyway, as I was escaping the ninth circle of hell, I tried to manoeuvre around a tall lad wearing extended-toe pimp shoes, which he had inconveniently shoved into the aisle. “Hi,” he said, turning on the 1000 watt Colgate smarm and holding out his hand for me to shake. “Can I ask you a question?”

“No,” I growled, ignoring his outstretched mitt and walking on as the smarm melted from his mug.

Of course, what I should have said was, “You already did. And you wasted it. Ha ha bloody ha!” But I was diseased and not thinking of anything but getting the DC, kitty fodder and books back to the car boot and then going home to bed.

These people are turning me into a nastier, less polite person than I used to be. If that were possible, of course. Come on - I'm already pushing a trolley that has all the responsiveness of a stoned, retarded crab. Do I really look like I want to stop to chat? I’ve already had merchandising chicks in the supermarket offer me a bit of apple on a stick, a stodgy-looking chunk of sugar-laced muffin and something white and sludgy that may have been yoghurt, custard or fabric softener. So, Mr Ring of Fricken Confidence, if I’ve resisted the seagull urge for free food in the supermarket, then I’m damned sure not stopping to chat to you about whatever charity you represent. I make informed choices about who I donate to, not spur of the moment decisions based on your happy smile and faux mo. Now fuck off.

Gosh, I could have gone for miles and miles and now I’m all out of space. Perhaps I’ll tag myself later on and gripe some more. But in the meantime, I’m tagging Audrey, Ariel, Sakura, petstarr and killerrabbit. Come on, loves give us a big blast of your grouch.

* In case you were wondering, my angry pants are a "bargain" pair of black size 11 bootleg Levi’s that some wretched underfed little shop girl told me would surely stretch enough for me to breathe if I just put them on and loafed on the couch for an evening. She assured me that she did this all the time. Such was my lust for the bargain black Levi’s that I bought them, despite serious misgivings. A couple of hours on the couch later, I was losing feeling in my everything and the jeans were swiftly bundled into the bottom drawer, waiting for the day when I skinny up. Now I just put them on when I need to rustle up some angry. I also own some whiny pants, but they’re floppy trackies that I like to wear when I’m hungover or disease-ridden.

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34 Comments:

At 3:16 am, June 04, 2007, Blogger Snoskred said...

Yes, they drive slow but you can eat Barnacle Bills, go to the Vili's cafe, drop into leaf and ladle for some excellent soup and salads in the city, have Marcellinas garlic prawns at any time you feel like and all while DRINKING A HUDSONS.

Most of the roads around here are 80 or 100, there are some gorgeous places to snorkel, Sydney (and the nearest Hudsons) is a couple of hours away but there is no good foods like I mentioned above. I would right now kill people (I can name who, if you like) in order to get two vegetarian Vili's pasties which I could then heat up in my oven and place cheese inside them. You can buy them in most supermarkets while I am deprived of such things. People here put CORN AND PEAS into pasties. That's not cricket. And most take away places close before 7pm.

Oh God, I want a two in one snack pack from Barnacle Bills so much it makes me consider flying over just to have one.

While I'm here dreaming of food, you're in Australia, you might want to join the Australian Blogs Community on Bumpzee. I've really found some great new blogs from it and am enjoying it. ;) http://www.bumpzee.com/australian-blogs/

Snoskred
http://snoskred.blogspot.com/

 
At 4:08 am, June 04, 2007, Blogger londongirl said...

That's a good moan. Well-described. Well targeted. And covers most bases.

You don't see moans like that much anymore.

 
At 8:36 am, June 04, 2007, Blogger Jo said...

Celery is like Satan's acidic toenails.

Except for the nuts, are we the same person?

Oh. Oh, I didn't mean that one of us had nuts... never mind.

 
At 10:05 am, June 04, 2007, Blogger The Man at the Pub said...

I also believe in Carma, but what I truly lament is the demise of the Courtesy Wave. I firmly believe that the Courtesy Wave is what separates us from the animals, not this self-awareness and spirituality nonsense. The demise of the Courtesy Wave is a visible sign of a wider social malaise and general decay of civilisation. Anybody who feels the same is welcome in my Armageddon bunker (BYO tinned food, whiskey and musical instruments).

And you get free food in the supermarkets of Oddelaide? We only get nuts and grapes, and we don't have friendly promotions people to help us....we have to help ourselves!

 
At 10:55 am, June 04, 2007, Blogger Milly Moo said...

Ah redcap, you had me a 'schnitzilla' !! It seems to be a bogan sign of manliness to spend $7 on cow flattened by a semi-trailer (with the taste to match) and eat the lot.

Agree too re the feelings of entitlement displayed by young sproglings. Hell, as a parent I nearly got flogged to death a couple of home-made birthday parties ago when I dared - yes, dared - to only put a prize in the last layer of the pass-the-parcel. No, these days, you must at least insert a chocolate frog or car keys to the nanny's VW golf so that the kiddly winks aren't devastated to open the layer of old christmas wrapping and find nothing.

Ah in my day, I walked eight miles t'school, barefoot, in the snow, uphilll - both ways - and I were grateful I tell you - grateful!

 
At 2:21 pm, June 04, 2007, Blogger BEVIS said...

As the (humble) creator of this brilliant meme, I wish to say:

Excellent!

 
At 2:32 pm, June 04, 2007, Blogger ilse said...

Oh no tagee huh?

Then me no talkee.

Hurpmh.

 
At 4:20 pm, June 04, 2007, Blogger Rosanna said...

I'm so glad you're back. Because this post made me laugh - alot.

I’m not quite sure how this came about, but suddenly every man jack thinks he is God. And not just a god: the God.

Have you met my brother? He thinks he's God. He even walks like he is God. He's a git.

Nothing makes me angrier than people eating on public transport. SAVE IT!

 
At 5:18 pm, June 04, 2007, Blogger killerrabbit said...

I agree that people, like my husband, who like celery are the bane of good salads, soups and stews. I have recently relaxed my moritoriam on celery in the house only to find that it now turns up everywhere. After years of depriving Mr KR of celery he has now become celery obsessed. Celery is stringy and pointless.

 
At 7:54 pm, June 04, 2007, Blogger Sakura said...

absolutely brilliant !

I'm gonna have to have a sit down and serious think about this, I don't want to waste this beautiful opportunity.

 
At 8:02 pm, June 04, 2007, Blogger Eleanor Bloom said...

Golly, but you're a good grumbler!

You must give me some tips.

I agree wholeheartedly with everything but the nuts and celery (which will obviously absolutely horrify some of you).
But don't get the wrong idea. I'm not one of those who indecently assaults a leggy length of celery with globs of gooey peanut butter. *Urghk.*

And to see someone drive along in a Porsche, neglecting to Merge considerately (or even courtesy wave), thinking they're Hot Shit and chewing said Celery and Peanut-butter monstrosity with their gob hanging open would suddenly increase my grumbling skills to no end.

 
At 8:15 pm, June 04, 2007, Blogger Food Kitty said...

I'm halfway through orpheus - loved Due Preparation - not much makes me cry these days - but that did. That mere words can still touch you so..
psychosadkitty

 
At 8:43 pm, June 04, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

snos, I'm more worried by Queensland pastry products. The pasties just seem to be meat and the sausage rolls have cabbage in them. That's just wrong!

LG, why thank you! My lecturers would be pleased. I have a graduate diploma in moaning ;)

jo, well, no-one has ever seen us in the same room at the same time...

Mr Pub, I'm a big fan of the courtesy wave. I use it often and I get extremely miffed if I don't get one when I've done someone a carma kindness. And are cherries included in the self-serve bar? Some green grocers here put out signs that say, "NO free samples!" at cherry time.

milly, and it has to have three cups of tomato sauce and a kilo and a half of cheese on top. How I hate the abomination that is The Parmi :P

bevis, snaps to you, my friend! It is indeed a fine meme. I haven't had such a good opportunity for a whinge in ages.

ilse, awww, I'm sorry! I figured Auds would want to tag you and I didn't want to steal her thunder!

rosanna, thanks :) I'm glad to be coherent enough to gripe again. I hate people eating on public transport too. Especially if it's something that smells good and it's nearly dinner time, damn them.

rabbit, celery-obsessed, you say? I think it's time for the electroshock treatment, I'm afraid.

sakura, it is a beautiful opportunity, isn't it? How often do you get a free hand to bitch and whinge all you like?

eleanor, I believe I was born to grumble ;) And seeing someone in a Porsche, with peanut butter celery stick, etc. would induce a bout of grump so severe that I might just spontaneously combust and burn down to my boots.

food kitty, mere words?! But words are all we have! Try The Last Magician. That's my favourite JTH. I'm off to hear her speak on Friday night ~swoon~

 
At 9:05 pm, June 04, 2007, Blogger Scorpy said...

LOL...great list...but I can watch them eat (barely) but I can't stand hearing them eat...slurp, gnash, gnaw...yuk!!!

 
At 9:35 pm, June 04, 2007, Blogger ashleigh said...

My god thats a good rant.

After the crap day I have had, where I came home giving every car (and everybody at home) THAT LOOK - you know, the one that melts a kilo of ice in a second or two - well, after that kind of day it's nice to read a grump-o-rant that fits neatly into my own GRUMPY outlook on a world full of idiots.

 
At 3:46 pm, June 05, 2007, Blogger kiki said...

1- if you have bad table manners (inlcuding all things you've mentioned - except chopsticks, they ARE the exception) than you won't eat with me again
i think, the one i hate the most is being able to HEAR someone eating

3- if someone doesn't wave when i let them in, they get the finger and death stare and other shit, depending on my mood
for me, it's all about the wave

4- like a group of wogs non?

6- nothing irks me more than the sub-standard preperation of a dim sim

7- nuts have no flavour, why bother. they are boring

8- you should meet the majority of people i went to school with

9- this chick was trying to tell me the other day how christianity was older than judaism and 'more holy' than islam
i don't think she believed me that judaism is a shit load older, jesus was a jew or that muslims worship the same god...

10- it feels patronising doesn't it

fuck i hate people

 
At 4:07 pm, June 05, 2007, Blogger Little Miss Moi said...

Dear halfhearted hack. I'm with you on the jimmy choos and all that crap. I buy a new pair of shoes like... every three years.

 
At 7:06 pm, June 05, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

scorpy, I hate listening to people eat too! Slurping soup, smacking their lips, even chewing too loudly. It's revolting.

ashleigh, want me to tag you too so you can have your own grump-o-rant?

kiki, yup, I hate people too. I reckon we'd make a fortune if we printed up T-shirts that read, "Do I look like a fucking people person?"

little miss moi, I only buy new shoes when I'm forced to. I'm horribly upset that I can't wear Blunnies or Chucks to the office. Just about everything else hurts!

 
At 8:21 pm, June 05, 2007, Blogger Small Fry and The Seal said...

redcap - by golly i'm impressed. once again! i just don't know how i could manage to compact all my frustrations with other people into one succinct post! mine would definitely include a lot more eff-words...

scorpy - oh yes, listening to people eat is possibly the foulest thing ever. i had one workmate who chewed and nibbled on all her food just like a cow. yuck. i used to have to jingle my earrings really loudly in my ears just to mask the sound if i was unlucky enough to be sharing the lunch table with her.

right then - i'm all fired up about hating stuff - might just go and blog about it!

its good to know i'm not the only one that gets angry about these sorts of things although lord knows my list will be SO much more petty...!

 
At 8:50 pm, June 05, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

small fry, nothing wrong with eff-words. My editor used to yell 'em across the newsfloor at me on a regular basis. And consider yourself tagged, if it would amuse you :)

 
At 1:24 pm, June 06, 2007, Blogger Ariel said...

Ooh, this is a good one. And I can't wait to take up my tag. Just have to finish some more very hacky work (I feel I should have your moniker right now!)

I have come very close to buying angry jeans myself, except for the fact that I automatically discount anything a clothes salesgirl (they're always girls) says to me. Often just to be contrary, because they talk such shit. Poor things, I know they are paid a pittance, but still ...

 
At 2:33 pm, June 06, 2007, Blogger actonb said...

I didn't know there was so much celery-hatred in the world. My Dad's a hater of old, and I always thought it was completely irrational and unique.

Apparently not. That's me told then.

But with you on the nut thing - I'm only allergic to Brazil Nuts, which causes much amusement in Emergency Depts, but is frustrating as they always seem to make their way into the more delicious chocolatey offerings on a menu.

Harumph.

 
At 4:24 pm, June 06, 2007, Blogger gigglewick said...

My goodness Ms B, you are harumphing all over the internet today.

Redcap,

sorry I hadn't seen this until now. It is, as has been already outlined, truly brilliant.

I wish carma was real. I really, really do.

You are ace, my dear. Ace.

Perhaps even godlike?

 
At 5:19 pm, June 06, 2007, Blogger PetStarr said...

EEK! I is been tagged! Now that ANTM's over I might have time to do it... :)

 
At 7:13 pm, June 06, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Ariel, I usually ignore them too, because they always say, "That looks sooo noice on youse!" On this occasion, though, I was blinded by the jeans. (The Springsteen original, not the Manfred Mann rip-off.)

actonb, another anti-nut nut! Woo-hoo! I don't come across Brazil nuts very often - it seems to be almonds, walnuts and cashews that are thrown at me - but you're so right about otherwise edible desserts. And your dad is obviously a very intelligent man if he disdains celery.

gw, why thank you, ma'am! But tongues firmly in cheeks, if I were truly godlike, I'd have to stop believing in myself. And that would be a very messy Borgesian problem ;)

pet, ga'an - I know you've got plenty of angry in your angry purse, just waiting to be spent.

 
At 4:42 pm, June 07, 2007, Blogger Small Fry and The Seal said...

tagged! woo! okay. i'll have to think about this carefully. or maybe i'll just go and shoot my mouth off (fingers off?) and not make any sense at all. either way, i'm pumped! i love hating people!

 
At 12:32 pm, June 08, 2007, Blogger Steph said...

You are the BEST ranter in the known universe!
I love it when you get pissed off. Can you do it more often please?

Just spend as much time as you can around random dipshits, and them come home to write them off on your blog.

Highly entertaining!

 
At 1:17 pm, June 08, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

small fry, perhaps we could get hating made an Olympic sport?

steph, I exist in a perpetual state of pissed-offedness, so the whining isn't likely to stop any time soon.

 
At 10:10 pm, June 09, 2007, Blogger phishez_rule said...

Yep. People suck. I wish they'd all fuck off and die. Except for the funny ones and possibly some of the ones I'm related to. I will add you to the 'funny' list, even if you're about as entertaining as a drunk ant, if you provide me with chocolate or oral sex.

 
At 6:22 pm, June 10, 2007, Blogger Rosanna said...

I hope you're feeling better, Redcap.

 
At 7:36 pm, June 11, 2007, Blogger t h e - g o b b l e r said...

Nice.
In a world where people dont notice or care these days its refreshing to see that you do & will spray about it. Go hard Half-Hearted!

 
At 8:41 pm, June 12, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

phishez, I choose to provide you with chocolate. Nothing personal ;)

rosanna, I am thanks loves. Just been a tad busy.

gobbler, wow, you make me sound like some sort of ranting superhero! I think I should be wearing a cape right now...

 
At 9:14 am, June 13, 2007, Blogger coffeesnob said...

#9. i agree. "where's japan?' is a stupid question. "what's japan?" is the right question. gives you an opportunity to say "a new wave band from the 80s".

sometimes ignorance is welcome. when the salesgirl at the body shop starts talking about the kyoto protocal (about which she knows nothing except that it's supposedly beneficent) then you'll come wish she just took a normal interest in lindsay and paris like the rest of her peers.

 
At 11:21 am, June 13, 2007, Blogger Small Fry and The Seal said...

yes. a sport to be included in both winter and summer olympics. because hating is season-less. now i just wanted to let you know, i ordered, with great apprehension, a schnitzel last night, fully expecting a side of beef to be placed before me. but no, the german club on flinders street is a trip back in time to a bygone era, where schnitzels were small and tasty. and served with lemon. delicious.

 

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