It's a fine, fine line...

Ah, it's a fine, fine line between fan and freak.

A few weeks ago, I reviewed a book called What Will Happen in Harry Potter 7? by the mugglenet people. Hey, I'm mildly HP-obsessed and I just love free books. Sold.

But reading this book made me realise a couple of things. You might consider yourself a fan of something, but unless you (a) visit fan sites (b) read/write fan fiction and (c) own dress-up outfits, you're a lightweight, baby.

When I said I'd review the HP5 movie, my ed said, "Sounds dandy! But if you're wearing wizard robes, can you please not say you're from [publicaion name deleted]? that would just be embarrassing."

And fear not - I agree. I have been guilty of (a) in the past few days, but that's just because News Ltd and the Guardian keep publishing links to "spoilers" and I'm desperate to say, "Ha! As if that's going to happen! Pfffft!"

But in the Potterverse, I don't even qualify as a fan. I'm just a lightweight who happens to have read all the books and seen all the movies. You know, a big girl's blouse in terms of hard-core Harry fans.

Fan fiction and dress-up boxes are a whole different ballgame, baby. It's like the difference between watching a fair bit of Star Trek when you're a bit tiddly late at night and actually owning a Klingon make-up set, dictionary and uniform and having a character that you've named and pretend to be at Star Trek conventions. Or putting "Jedi" on your census form. You know, weird.

So unless you're a true Potter nerd, you can have no idea how many pages of fan fiction there are out there. It's not just JK Rowling whose churning out the wizard words. Just one site has something like 40,000 fan-penned stories. I'm guessing every one of them can name the magical decree where Professor Umbridge declares herself head mistress of Hogwarts, know which floor Moaning Myrtle's bathroom is on and what makes the girls' staircase in the Hogwarts dorm turn into a slippery dip. In fact, think of that episode of the Simpsons where Homer becomes the voice of (doomed and dull) Poochie and goes to a signing event. The people in that audience are just like the Potter fanfreaks.

Can you imagine being JK Rowling at one of those events? I mean, I wish to Christ I was, because then I'd be richer than the Queen, younger, better looking and married to someone who wasn't Prince Philip. But I'm a little absent-minded, so I have to admit that if I were a famous writer and someone asked me a question about page 345 of the third book, I'd be thinking, "Oh, fafuxxake. I don't know!" I'd probably just make something up on the spot because I'd be incapable of remembering what I'd written. After all, I do that at work all the time.

But as much as I love him, one of my pals is a Harry-Hermione 'shipper. Yes, he is clinging to the ridiculous hope that Harry and Hermione are going to end up together. Even though JK Rowling has said the current partnerships won't change (in my defence, I only know this because of the review book). Even though it makes no sense for Harry and Hermione to be together after she and Ron have spent six years eyeing each other off and Harry and Hermione are like brother and sister. No. He maintains that unless the two Hs get together, the entire series will have been wasted.

Look, I really don't care one way or another. The whole series will not have been spoiled for me if H and H do get together, but I recognise that it's implausible. But there are some things that really have to be in then next book. I know there are wankers who are pretending to leak spoilers left, right and centre that Harry, Ron and Hermione all die and are reunited in some sort of Deathly Hallows afterlife with Dumbledore, Sirius and Harry's parents, but pulease! Who's going to believe that?

Harry has to kill Voldemort. Dumbledore is dead. And Hagrid and either Ron or Hermione are doomed. Also, I don't like Lupin's chances.

So fafuxxake! Can we just have the book now?! I can't stand the suspense anymore!