Friday, July 13, 2007

You shit me to tears...

Ah, whatever happened to The Tenants? In memory of a great one-hit wonder of a Triple J Unearthed winner, I give you the things that are shitting me to tears this week:

People who are bothered by me jaywalking
I am a committed jaywalker. I say if it's good enough for our Lord Mayor, it's good enough for me. In the past few days, I've looked both ways and walked against the lights, only to have two people say (not to me, but loudly so I can hear it), "She must be colour blind" and "She took her life in her hands there!" FFS, people. It's Oddelaide. Ever tried to cross a highway in Kuala Lumpur? That's taking your life in your hands. And do you think you might mind your own fucking business? Hmm? If I get run over, I'll try not to splatter you with my tragically-wasted grey matter, OK? Now piss off.

I know that coming from me this sounds a little rich, but cheer the fuck up! You can't all have had deaths in the family/been laid low by the futility of modern existence/read The Catcher in the Rye in the same week. And I don't think that with those hairdos, you should be driving. I'd really rather you could see out of both eyes. Remember, I jaywalk.

It's not that I don't like 'em. It's just that I'd rather not see 'em. I can't remember who said it (and Google and my short attention span stubbornly refuse to oblige me) but I think it might have been Dorothy Parker: her publisher told her to be in his office at eight the next morning. The response was something to the effect of, "Why, are there TWO eight o'clocks in a day?" Hear, hear, my dear.

I don't really mind being awake so long as I don't have to get out of my toasty-kitty-warmed cocoon. Ah, bed. It's the only place to be these frosty mornings. Inevitably, I drag my sorry arse out from under the doona and tramp to the train station for my blissful half-hour of reading only to be vomited onto a platform absolutely heaving with zombies.

Yes, zombies.

Nothing else can describe the way train passengers stagger towards the turnstyles, tickets in their death-clawed fists. Their eyes are dead and their limbs are slack. What else can be drawing them forward but the faint but sustaining hope of warm brains? And I join them. What else am I going to do? If I let them know I'm still alive, they'll have bitten through my skull in the time it took John Howard to refuse to say sorry.

So piss off, mornings. I'll deal with you after midday.

Crappy attempts at marketing
Ad people, please listen to me when I say that I will never buy a product called Nurofen: Period Pain. I find the name insulting and unless it contains dehydrated vodka and super-concentrated chocolate, I can't see how it will work better than standard painkillers. Am I supposed to go, "Ooh, period! I have one of those!" and buy it? Pffft. Get a grip.

High heels
I ain't a shoe gal, as such. I refuse to have any truck with something that causes me pain and high heels are pretty high on that list. When my feet hurt, I'm in danger of committing murder, and not just the average shoot-you-through-the-skull type of murder. We're talking slow and painful, like peeling off all of your skin a hotdog skin at a time.

However, I do love boots. I think I have more boots than shoes. So when my favourite boots died, I was bereft. Just like all the other doggies (sorry, obscure Scout songbook reference) I raised a little headstone and on it I did write, "Where the fuck did my boots go?" No-one answered, so I went and bought another pair. And of course, the new ones pinched like a pervy uncle.

I have yet to sink low enough to buy ugg boots, but I demand comfy shoes, Ford-damnit!

Being expected to pay $12 a kilo for zucchini
Come on. How many people, when asked what their favourite vegetable is, say "Oh, zucchini! Every time! Love it boiled, stewed or raw." They're just padding. They don't have any taste. You use them to make your bolognaise go a bit further or add fibre to your chilli con carne. And every bastard knows that if you take your eye off the bastards they grow into something as long and thick as your forearm that would put John Holmes to shame. So do not tell me that they're worth $12 a kilo.

The fridge
I know I've whined about fridginess before, but it warrants a second whinge. How is it that stuff goes moldy with such monotonous regularity? The cheese turned blue and lumpy while I wasn't looking. And I fished out a bag with some anonymous green sludge in the bottom the other day and on the way to the bin showed it to Bloke.

"What's that?" he said, with wrinkled nose.
"Erm, you probably should ask what it used to be," I said with a blithe smile.

(Hint: it looked like squashed caterpilars, so it was probably about a book's worth of zucchini.)

Teenagers getting book deals
Now this really shits me to tears. It's even worse because I looked in The Aus a couple of months back and realised that (a) I couldn't possibly finish a Vogel-worthy manuscript by May 31 and (b) by next year I would be too old to enter. Something died in me about then. Yes, I think it may well have been the world's smallest violin, so just bite me, all right? But I had a horrible flashback to my uni days (mark one) when my thesis supervisor told me the sorry tale of suddenly realising she was Too Old for the Vogel. Ha, my 20-year-old self thought. I'll be published before I'm 35! And here one is. Not.

So, every time I see a story about some bloody over-achieving 15-year-old with a three-book deal for a gazillion bucks and who just happens to have parents who are teachers or lawyers or rocket scientists it annoys me just a tad. Christoper Paolini, I realise you are now somewhat more than 15 and that your parents paid to publish Eragon the first time 'round, but I'm looking at you, sonny jim.

When I spend my precious time cleaning something, it should bloody stay like that, goddamnit! After all, every time I scrub the scum of soap and toothpaste off the bathroom, it's another 45 minutes of my life that I'll never get back, you know? Maybe if I'd never cleaned the bathroom, I'd have written that Vogel-winner by now.

Cue violins.

But I'd also have the bathroom out of Trainspotting. Swings and roundabouts, I guess. Swings and roundabouts.

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At 10:13 pm, July 13, 2007, Anonymous Teddy said...

Brought to you by Bicardi and Coca Cola

At 10:16 pm, July 13, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

Hrrumph. Just because there's nothing for you to watch on Foxtel tonight! :P

At 10:19 pm, July 13, 2007, Blogger londongirl said...

I'm astonished that people tut at you for jaywalking. No-one would dare round here. But that's an advantage of living in a dodgy area where people think that flickknives are as essential as mobile/keys/wallet.

At 11:02 pm, July 13, 2007, Blogger Steph said...

I LOVE Zuccini and Capsicums and they are both so expensive right now.Also I noticed potatoes have gone up, that's enough to make me self harm righ there. *cries*

At 9:54 am, July 14, 2007, Blogger Lonie Polony said...

Ah, you took the words right out of my mouth. Except maybe for jaywalking - I live an earth-polluting/sedentary lifestyle these days unfortunately.

At 2:16 pm, July 14, 2007, Blogger Jacob said...

No way! I love emos.

Although I quite agree with you on the point about teenagers getting book deals. In fact, teenagers having newspaper columns pisses me off too. It must be a jealousy thing, in a 'how did they score THAT job?' but have you ever read in the 'Tiser those columns by the 18 year olds? I hate them.

At 3:41 pm, July 14, 2007, Blogger Ariel said...

Every time my parents come (from Oddelaide) to Melbourne, they daringly jaywalk and say 'ooh, look at me, I'm behaving like a Melburnian!' Jaywalking fury is such an Oddelaide thing.

And yeah, I'm sick of the fragmented marketing thing too. How many kinds of Tim Tam do there need to be?! (Though I do like the choc-orange) And toothpaste. And shampoo. And butter. They can't possibly sell more of anything - I was going to buy shampoo/butter/toothpaste/Tim Tams ANYWAY.

At 3:57 pm, July 14, 2007, Blogger ashleigh said...

Yers indeed.

Zucchini is good if you cook it up with tomato and oregano. Chop them both and do in the microwave for about 3 minutes. Grind over some black pepper. But only do this in summer with real Zucchini and tomato, preferably those you grew yourself.

And I agree with the others who don't like newspaper columns by 18 year olds. Ergh. Gag. Especially in The Traumatiser

At 5:17 pm, July 14, 2007, Blogger Ms Smack said...

HA hilarious.

I love this list!

At 6:28 pm, July 14, 2007, Blogger t h e - g o b b l e r said...

I am a teenage book deal getting, zuchinni eating, jaywalking tsk tsk-ing , morning loving, car driving emo & I am now wondering if I am now offically off your christmas card list?

At 6:30 pm, July 14, 2007, Blogger gigglewick said...

I hate teenagers getting book deals too.

And I heard a rumour that Ween had the same parental backing for their first album - it was "make this work or else" money. And 'Push tha Little Daisies' was born.

* sigh *

At 10:36 pm, July 14, 2007, Blogger the ianandan expedition said...

Yeah, what did happen to 'The Tenants' - that song is my anthem.

At 4:24 pm, July 15, 2007, Blogger Rosanna said...

I read about a 15 year old girl getting a 3 book deal the other day... le?

As for Zucchinis - they are ESSENTIALLY reconstituted pig food. Full of water. With no taste.

At 8:51 pm, July 15, 2007, Blogger Snoskred said...

I agree, with those hairdos they should not be driving.. it's a danger to everyone! :)

In case you missed it, I gave you an award. :)


At 5:06 pm, July 16, 2007, Blogger Sakura said...

Hear Hear - I am 100% with you on this post. Fucking mornings what the hell are they here for I mean really? I can't believe the price of a zucchini is Aus - what the hell is going on? It's almost UK prices.
Please, can you please tell me that alcohol is still as cheap as I fondly remember it to be ???

At 7:16 pm, July 16, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

LG, I know. You'll be horrified when I tell you that they both had English accents. Obviously they've forgotten. Or they lived in a rolled up newspaper...

steph, yeah, what the hell gives? We're getting rain now, you bastards!

lonie, I work in the city and live in the 'burbs. Driving in just isn't worth the grief. Otherwise I'd probably be with you all the way!

jacob, what makes Mr and Miss Adventure even worse is that they're actually cadet journos. Sadly, they're also tools, the poor loves.

Ariel, well, I have to admit to being fairly fond of those double coat Tim-Tams, even if you do only get nine to a pack instead of 11. Yes, I've counted. But branding anything with "period" is just not going to work. Obviously thought up by a man who thought "on the blob" was taking it a bit far, bless his little heart. (Apologies for that hideous expression, by the way.)

ashleigh, nothing against zucchini - I'm rather fond of it stir-fried with carrot, onion, honey and soy. But it's still not worth $13.99 (as per my local fruit and veg on Sunday!)

ms s, you can count on there always be something that's pissing me off. I'm perpetually annoyed.

gobbler, he he he. I'm lousy at doing the Christmas card thing anyway. Half the time I forget until Christmas Eve and then try to blame Australia Post for getting late delivery. (Sorry posties.)

gigglewick, if only we had a time machine, we could go back and bitchslap those parents. I know it didn't rate on last week's list of most annoying songs of all time, but I've always hated Push the Little Daisies with a passion.

ianandian expedition, dunno. They had another song after You Shit Me To Tears, but it was really, really... mild. Obviously only had one good burst of bile in them and they evaporated.

rosanna, was that that chick who was profiled in The Australian Magazine? Forgotten her name, but I thought at the time she needed a good smacking. The publishers said, "We would have been impressed with this coming from a 35-year-old." Yeah, right. Thirty-five-year-olds are way more marketable than pretty teenagers in knee-socks.

snos, why thank you, missy! I'm honoured! :) Last time I got an award, it was for bad writing.

sakura, nothing like a drought to make retailers hike up their prices faster than... someone who's really good at hiking up their prices. Pricks. It's not like the farmers are seeing any of it! As for booze, don't think the price has changed much. Not that you'll be coming home any time soon since you've bought real estate ~sniff~

At 8:19 pm, July 16, 2007, Blogger meva said...

Only houseproud morning people, high-heel wearing marketers and emos care about jaywalking.

At 10:19 pm, July 16, 2007, Blogger Ariel said...

Yeah, I like the double coat Tim Tams too, though I'm now shocked that I'm getting less in a packet. It's the whole concept that every product is broken into a million sub-sections that gets me. I see now that Sunsilk is making three kinds of shampoos 'created by' Australian designers. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't buy clothes designed by a shampoo scientist, now matter how bloody good they were at making shampoo. How does a clothes designer know how to make shampoo? And why would it be any good?! (And yes, I agree with your point about the 'period' painkillers.)

At 10:53 pm, July 16, 2007, Blogger redcap said...

meva, yup - you got it in one, matey ;)

ariel, since I lopped off my hair, I've had a little contest with myself. I purchase the cheapest-arse shampoo and conditioner I can find (that doesn't have a blue and white or black and gold label). At last count, I was down to $1.83 for each and my scalp hasn't fallen off yet. Though admittedly, I couldn't have done it with long hair. The frizz would have been eye-gouging.

At 9:45 am, July 17, 2007, Blogger Rosanna said...

Yeah, it was. I can't remember her name either - but the article was essentially a love-fest.

At 11:22 am, July 17, 2007, Blogger kiki said...

when I was at uni, we designed some traffic signal controls.

now, everybody from my course j-walks like crazy

At 1:19 pm, July 17, 2007, Blogger Eleanor Bloom said...

I will heartily second most of that list. The thing with branding has always driven me nuts. They seem to be pretty big on it in Japan. I read recently of a new cucumber pepsi. Next we'll be having zucchini Tim Tams (I love Tim Tams but if I were the chick in that ad I'd be keeping the guy around too, I hate going to the shops). ;)

At 3:18 pm, July 17, 2007, Blogger susanna said...

with you on the high heels. i have hobbit feet that will NOT be forced into dainty shoes, and who am i to argue?

also on the book deals. sigh.

that chicken soup of a post or two back rocks btw! we've had buckets of the stuff now. thumbs up redcap!

At 5:44 pm, July 17, 2007, Blogger killerrabbit said...

They should be called "Has aunty flow come to visit" Neurofen - I would buy that.

Toothpaste flecks annoy me, bathroom cleaning annoys me, all I want to see is sparkling but it doesn't just happen. Why haven't they invented self cleaning mirrors?


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